The Family Matters – Session 2

God, thank you so much for allowing us to gather together as a body of believers from all across the Metroplex and even other countries today and from other states as well. Thank you, Lord, that we have you in common that supersedes all of our hobbies or likes or dislikes. But we are part of the body of Christ. We thank you for equipping vote all these years, and for blessing him with the ability to speak and to articulate, and to give us sound theology and sound teaching, and to make it extremely practical where he challenges us to be the men and the women and the young people that you have called us to be. We pray God that these words would be edifying to us this morning, and Jesus then we pray Amen. Well all right, well, good morning. I don't know did they say anything about the books. Have they said anything about the books out there? Okay, So we have books out there, and we also have the Family Shepherd's Book out there, So we're talking about family shepherds and a lot of this stuff that we're talking about comes directly from the Family Shepherd's Book. So you can get your copies of those out at the table. All right, let's turn our attention. Now. We've looked at the whole idea of family, evangelism and discipleship, and we alluded to that last piece of it. Right. We have to understand the gospel, we have to understand evangelism, we have to understand discipleship. And we broke that down into three pieces. Do you remember those pieces? That first phase, the discipline, training phase, the second phase, catechism phase, third phase is that discipleship phase right? Phase one, give me your attention, Phase two, give me your mind, Phase three, give me your hand. Okay, So we want to we want to spend some more time talking about that, and I want us to look at child training in a little more depth. Usually when we start talking about child training, when we start talking about discipline, people will immediately think. You know, if if I say my mom was a strict disciplinarian, then usually the picture people have in their mind is my mother beating on me, right, because that's that's that's how we you know, that's that's what discipline is. Right, And that's rather unfortunate because there are actually two types of discipline, formative discipline and corrective discipline. And usually we think about corrective discipline. And when we think about things like spanking, right, that would be a form of corrective discipline. But overwhelmingly the discipline to which we're called is formative discipline. And I would say that the discipline that we apply with our children in terms of formative and corrective should be somewhere around a seventy thirty eighty twenty split, Like the overwhelming majority of the discipline our children received from us should be formative discipline, not corrective discipline. Now that'll make more sense as we talk about these two things. Okay, So think about it this way. Formative discipline teaches you what's expected and how to accomplish it. Formative discipline teaches you what's expected and how to accomplish it. Corrective discipline comes when knowing what's expected and how to accomplish it, you refuse. You got that. Formative discipline, basic training, amen, corrective discipline, court martial. Unfortunately, for most of us, as parents, we know nothing of formative discipline. All we have is corrective discipline, and so we're punitive with our children because they don't do what we never taught them to do. This is problematic, right, And so think about the coach, you know who, again, corrective discipline. They put it in a sports metaphor. You know, maybe you have to do push ups, so you have to run laps, so you have to whatever. Right, there's some form of corrective discipline. Imagine the coach comes out and you know, says, run this play. The players don't run the play correctly. Now they don't have a playbook, they've never been taught how to run the play. But they're being made to do push ups and run the stadium and everything else because they didn't didn't run it. It's crazy, right, Susie, you didn't share? Riddle me this, batman. Did you ever teach Susie to share? Well, we know, did you ever deliberately teach Susie to share? Or did you just expect that she would do this thing called sharing? Did you ever teach her the principles behind sharing, the biblical principles behind sharing? Do you know the biblical principles behind sharing? Are you seeing the problem? Okay? And so again, we're strict disciplinarians, and no problem would be in a strict disciplinarian, but we need to be as strict in our formative discipline and teaching what it is that we act, and how it is that that is to be achieved. Listen to this advice from Cotton Mather, again one of the late Puritans. He gives these five pieces of advice on formative discipline. Number one, we must learn to consider the condition of our children. We must learn to consider the condition of our children. And this takes us back to what we talked about on last night. Considering the condition of our children means that we have an awareness of the theological reality surrounding our children. That they are fallen in Adam. There is none righteous, no, not even one. Amen. They are ruined sinners. They don't obey God, they don't want God, they don't seek after God. Because scripture makes it very clear no one seeks God. Amen. They don't. They are ruined sinners. So we must learn to consider the condition of our children. Secondly, we must learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation. Again, this goes back to what we talked about understanding the Gospel, understanding evangelism. We must learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation. This is very important. This is a very important part of formative discipline. Right and consider this, discipline is going to produce character, right, amen. We have to be very careful with that, because it is true discipline is going to produce character. But character is not a necessarily positive term. You have good character, you can have bad character, right, Discipline is going to produce character. We a lot of us want our kids to play sports because you know playing sports will produce character. No, actually it won't. It will reveal character, but it won't produce character. Competition reveals character, doesn't produce it, okay, And playing sports can produce discipline, right, But again that's different. When we talk about character as Christians, we mean the character of Christ. Let me give you an example. If I say he is disciplined, he is patient, he is absolutely committed to staying on task and accomplishing his gold whatever the cost. Right, you go, I want to hire that person. Actually, I'm talking about a hitman. Do you see what I mean? So we gotta be really careful when we start talking about discipline and character that for us we mean the character of Christ. Does does that make sense? Okay? I don't just want my children to be disciplined. I don't just want them to have characteristics A through I want fruit of the spirit, love, drey, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlemen's self control, right. I want fruit of the spirit. I want the character of Christ to be produced in them. I want Christ to be formed in them and for them to be conformed to the image of Christ. And this is hugely important. So we must learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation. And the reason that this is important is because all of us have a natural tendency towards legalism and moralism. Legalism and moralism. It was legalism. Legalism is the idea that we are made right with God by keeping the law. We are made right with God by keeping the law. We are made right with God by keeping the rules. I'm a good person to the degree that I keep the rules. Okay, what is moralism? Moralism is the idea that we are made right with God to the degree that we reflect a certain morality. In moralism and in legalism, the person in work of Christ is lessened because in moralism and legalism, the cross is devoid of its power, because you don't need the cross to be a legalist. In fact, if you're a legalist, the cross makes no sense at all. If all you need to do is keep the law, God crushed and killed has only begotten son for no reason, because that means you can keep the law apart from Christ you follow. And again we have to be really givefuled. And this is what math're talking about. Number One, learn to consider the condition of your children. Your children are not morally neutral, and they don't just need to be pointed in the right direction and given some skills right and some character traits to develop. Learn to instruct our children in the great matters of salvation, because that is their great need. Three, we must learn to rebut and restrain them from everything prejudicial to their salvation. Now, when he says rebuke, he means call them aside, tell them what precept they have broken, tell them what God threatens, and call them to repent. Rebuke and restrain them from everything prejudicial to their salvation. Let's just be honest. Usually the natural parental response is to rebuke and restrain them from everything prejudicial to our reputation. Right, not prejudicial to their salvation, prejudicial to our reputation. That's why we'll have different standards when company comes. There's certain craziness that you can get away with. But when company comes. Now, I know nobody in here, I know nobody in here, right, But you know those people that I'm talking about right where all of a sudden, company comes and there's a different standard and certain things are just not going to be tolerated. Why because it's prejudicial to your reputation, and that's what we're most concerned about. Instead of rebuking and restraining them from everything prejudicial to their salvation. Fourthly, we must learn to lay charge upon our children. What this mean, Charge them with scripture, charge them before they fall, and charge them repeatedly. Charge them with scripture, charge them before they fall, and charge them repeatedly. This requires that we have an understanding beforehand of what it is our children are going to need, what it is that they're going to face, and how it is that they're likely to fall. A great example of this is pornography. Right. There are a lot of people you know who who think about pornography in terms of, you know, seeing to it that their children never see pornography. Here's an unfortunate news flash. And the world in which we live it's not if, but when. Unfortunately, and the world in which we live it's not if but when. Okay. And in fact, there's a lot of there's a lot of things that we see today in commercials that fifty years ago would have had people up on charges. Okay, And so think about this. Lay charge on them, charge them with scripture, charge them before they fall, and charge them repeatedly. That means having an understanding that this is a very likely struggle and getting ahead of it with a proper biblical framework to prepare them to handle it when it faces them too. You see, again, this requires us to be formative and not just corrective. Right, is this is this making is this making sense for us? Okay? And I mean there's so many different examples that we could use, but that's just one example in particularly Okay. And then finally, we must learn to pray for our children. And I I've said this on a number of occasions when Mather talks about this, this little booklet that he writes on the duty of parents of their children and forty pages or something in this little booklet, forty forty five pages a little booklet, and I just I cannot read this section without weeping. When he talks about the urgency of praying for our children when listen, I can't have just finished praying for my children and I read this and I'm like, man, I don't pray enough. But if we understand this great need, this is where we're led to, right. And so here's a little bit of a checklist. When we think about our children's greatest needs. When we think about the things that our children struggle with, do we think, oh, we need to get them better friends. We need to get them to a better environment, we need to get them better education, we need to get them better rights. It's the crowd that they're running with. And again, I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for that one parent, because they've got to be out there somewhere, right, that one parent who will come to me and who will say, hey, you know, my kid is the bad crowd that everybody else's kid is running with. Because you notice, nobody's kid is the bad crowd. They just have problems because they run with the bad crowd. Right. I'm waiting for that one parent, right who's like, yeah, you've heard about my kid all over the world. As Christians, we understand our kid is the bad rid out that they're falling in at him. We get that right. And if you think this, if you think, okay, my kid has difficulty, if my kid could just get into it's the crowd, it's the friends, it's the environment, it's the whatever. Okay, do you believe then that if we could get your child into a pristine environment that they'd be. Okay, before you answer, remember Adam, perfect parents, perfect environment, perfect surroundings, perfect companions, perfect man. So can we just all agree that your child's not better than Adam and that the answer is not getting them to the garden because Adam was in the garden and he fell. Amen, somebody. So this changes our understanding and our approach to what it is our children need. Okay, when we talk about formative discipline and get another way to talk about formative discipline is discipleship. Okay, we're preparing, we're trading our children, we're indoctrinating our children, were getting them ready. There is a continuum of discipline that we find in the scriptures, Okay. And one of the ways that we can see this, for example, is if we look in the Psalms, we go from formative to persuasive, to corrective to punitive. Let's look at formative discipline a couple of places that we see this, and I said the Psalms, I mean Proverbs. We're gonna need. We're gonna need a couple of readers here. Somebody who read Proverbs three thirteen to fifteen volunteer, okay, and then we're gonna have somebody to read Proverbs four, seven and eight. There, okay, great, all right? Ours three thirteen to fifteen Amen, Proverbs for seven to eight the beginning of wisdom understanding? Okay, no, again, what is happening in the book of Proverbs. This is a father encouraging his son toward proper behavior. This is formative discipline, seek wisdom, seek understanding. Okay. This is not a kid who's done something wrong who's being corrected. This is formative discipline in form of improper behavior. This is the next level, right, in form of IMPROPERBA. So Proverbs one ten to fifteen. Really Proverbs three thirty one and thirty two. So Proverbs three thirty one thirty two? Anybody? Yes? Back there? Okay again, honesty, right, we've gone from seek wisdom to stay away from this, Stay away from this. Don't even envy this kind of person, Stay away from this kind of person. Okay, three. Explain the negative consequences of sin, Proverbs one, eighteen nineteen. Anyway, all my readers are over here, what's what's up this side of the room? And yes, right there, right there? Okay, and then uh Proverbs five three through six, Yes, okay, one eighteen and nineteen. Everyone who Okay, again, we're explaining negative consequences here, right, five three through six. Now we got back there. Okay again. This is not a father saying to his son, here's what you've done. Here's who you've hooked up with. Here's no. This is a father saying to his son, listen, there's something out there you need to be aware of. Okay, and it's costly. It's costly, and here's what it costs. Okay, this again, this is formative discipline, all right, All right, Now we move to persuasive. Now we gently exhort Proverbs four one and two, and then fourteen and sixteen. Proverbs four, verse one two, fourteen and sixteen. Okay, fourteen, same chapter four fourteen and then four sixteen. Okay. Do you notice the change in tone here? It's not hey, this is bad stuff. Get involved in this, and here's here's what will happen. Now it's do not. This is exhortation, do not, do not do this we've gone from this is how the world works. Here's the dangerous stuff to listen to me, look at me, do not again, nothing's been done wrong, right. This is formative discipline. This is a father preparing his son. Okay, and then gently rebuke and reproof. That's level five Proverbs three twelve moddy and then roverbs twenty four, twenty four and twenty five. Okay, you got which one you got? Twenty four, twenty four and twenty five Proverbs three twelve. All right, there we go. Okay, now we're gonna see what that looks like. Twenty four, twenty four, and twenty five, twenty four versus twenty four and twenty five US people. Okay, so reproof, reproof of wickedness. Now we get to corrective discipline. Okay, Now we get to corrective discipline. Now again, notice the continuum here. We're encouraging proper behavior, we're highlighting righteousness. Okay, and that's where we want to start, and that's where we're going to. That's where we want to spend time. Okay, in form of improper behavior. Don't don't ignore it. Don't be ignorant of it. Don't let our children be ignorant of it. Explain the negative consequences of sin, because they have to understand that there's a price to be paid. Gently exhort. That's where we get to the do not okay, and then gently rebuke and reprove. Now, when we're rebuking and reproving, now we're actually we're actually responding to things that have gone in ways that we said that they shouldn't, and we're moving toward correction. Corrective discipline. Corrective discipline is punishment that does not cause physical harm. Punishment. It is punitive, it's putative, but it does not cause physical harm. Proverbs nineteen eighteen, bank well, prover Is nineteen eighteen. Okay, that's how we're here. Proverbs thirteen twenty four. See I keep looking over here, all the hands going on over there. Parver's twenty three, thirteen and fourteen. All right, there we go, Proverse twenty through thirteen and fourteen, and then perverse twenty nine fifteen. All right, great, thank you, twenty fifteen. All right. Proverbs nineteen eighteen. Okay, discipline your son for their hope. Do not set your heart on putting him to death, Proverbs thirteen twenty four. There, okay, that's the famous passage, whoever spares the rod hates his son who loves him Verse twenty three, thirteen and fourteen child. Okay, okay, Perverse twenty nine fifteen. Okay. So here we're talking about corrective discipline. And notice that corrective discipline this is, this is corporal punishment, but it's corporate punishment that does not cause physical harm. Okay, it's it's it's it's not meant to maim, to injure to Okay. The right of correction is not meant to be used in that way. It's not meant to be used out of anger. It's part of a continuum. Okay. Problem comes when we don't have a continuum, when all we have is the rod. It's the only tool in our arsenal. Right, the man whose only tool is a hammer everything looks like a nail. Right. It's the only tool in our arsenal. And it's what we use when we're frustrated, it's what we use when we're it's not part of this continuum, but when it is a part of this continuum. And noticed that we had to get to level six, and this whole process of discipline before we saw this corporal punishment. Okay. So when I said the overwhelming majority of our discipline should be formative rather than corrective, again, I'm making that argument based on what we see clearly taught in scripture that the majority of what we're doing. Now here's the good news, because I know, you know, we hear this and we're like, oh man, I just this formative discipline stuff. Don't You probably do more formative discipline than you think. But because you don't know what it is, you're not being intentional about it. Amen. So it's not that we don't do formative discipline, it's just that we're not intentional about it. Okay. And the fact that we're not intentional about it means that we're not being as effective as we ought to be with it. Okay, you feel better? All right? Then there's level seven corporate punishment that causes physical harm Proverbs ten thirty one, PBS thirty all right, proverse ten thirty one, Roger Wisdom. Yeah, see cutting out people's tongues, that's causing physical harm proverse twenty thirty. Okay, these are these value wounding people, right, and then level eight. Level eight is death, stoning at the thro the gates. Here's the good news. Level seven and eight are actually in a different jurisdiction. Okay, I mean we talk about those jurisdictions, right, we have we have those three institutions that God gave us. He gave us the family and the church, and the state. These these last levels of jurisdiction, they belonged to the state, who, according to Romans thirteen, bears the sword, but not in vain. So you don't have to worry about level seven and eight. And I'm grateful for that because I wouldn't have made it. Because it's a couple of things that I never doubted when I was growing up. One, I never doubted that my mother loved me. Never ever, ever did I doubt that. Two I never doubted that she would kill me. But I'm glad she didn't. All Right, listen to this. This is from John Wesley. But some will tell you all this is lost labor. A child need not be corrected at all. And when he talks about correction, he's talking about spanking. Right. A child need not be corrected at all. Instruction, persuasion, and advice will be sufficient for any child without correction, especially if general reproof be added, as occasion may require. I answer, there may be particular instances wherein this method may be successful. Notice the double may be there. But you must not in any wise lay this down as a universal rule, unless you suppose yourself wiser than Solomon, or to speak more properly, wiser than God. For it is God himself, who best knoweth his own creatures, that has told us expressly. He that spares the rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him, chasing with him betimes. And upon this is grounded that plain commandment directed to all that fear God, chasing thy son while there is hope, and let not your soul spare for his crying. In other words, please spank your children early and often because there is need. Because there is need. And it's interesting that there are a lot of people who have huge issues with this, and they have huge issues with this usually for a couple of reasons. One, there are some people who've been in a situations where they've been they've been abused, right, and they've seen this, and that's that's horrible, that's absolutely horrible. But the fact that there are people who have misused something that God gave us. Doesn't mean that we refuse to use what God gave us, amen. It just means that we make sure that we learn how to use what God gave us properly. Right. So, yes, there are people who have who have misused and who who who've abused that, and we re we redoubled our efforts not to do that. The second thing that happens is that there are people who don't want to engage in this process because they don't like the way they've responded to their children. So I've got I'm angry, and I've flown off the handle and I wailed on my kid and I was in sin, and I'm just not going to do that because i don't want to be there. I've heard this, I've I've had this discussion, and inevitably, inevitably, when we unpacked that here's what you find. I have it aversion just spanking my child, and so I avoid it. I avoid it until I avoid it, until until when until you're fed up at the end of your rope and angry. You know what's ironic about that? That's somebody who's not spanking enough, because you should have banked way back there, right, but you didn't, and you thought you were being this wonderful, loving parent by letting stuff pile up on you until you flew off the handle. Do you see the problem there? Okay? And there's another issue, and the third issue is this. It's people who are not engaging in formative discipline and the only tool that they have is corrective discipline. So they feel like like all they're doing is being done their children. And in some instances that's true. That's true. That's the only engagement that you have with your children in terms of their discipline, and that is that's problematic. We don't want to be there, We shouldn't be there. Okay, So what do we do? Well, I'm glad you asked. Here's what we do. We develop a plan. Amen, Here's what I want all of you to do. I want all of you to think of areas in your child's life where you continue to run into obstacles, difficulties. Right, my kid really struggles with this. We really have a problem with that. Okay, whatever it is, being disrespectful, being lazy, being you know whatever. I mean. The list could go on and on and on and on and on, right, and so maybe list that thing out or listen two or three of those things out right. You're not writing like now, we should be doing this. Now, get your little phone thingy out notes and notifications and all this other stuff. Right, And so there's what you do, and then go through this continuum on each one of them. First, encourage proper behavior. Now here's what I don't mean. You're not the standard, So don't go back to your child with here's what I like. Remember we talked about being careful with the idea of character. We're looking for the character of Christ, not the character of my family's traditions or my preferences. Well you know, in my family we always well God bless you and your family, okay, But we're looking to form the character of Christ. Okay. And that's not to say that there's no room for traditions, okay, But I wouldn't say anything about saying yes sir and no sir, and yes ma'am and no ma'am. But we press that. We don't press it as biblical truth. Right. We make sure that we clarify that this is but we press that. So I'm not saying that those you know, traditions and things like that are an important But again, what we've got to get to is this biblical process. So encourage proper behavior. What that means is you need to get down to brass tax and figure out what it is the Bible says about this thing. What does the Bible say about being lazy? Go to the end, you sluggard? Proverbs awesome, all kind of stuff up and through that right, or or being you know, disrespectful, or being you know what, irresponsible, or being all of these things right. But what would find find? What what scripture teach us about this? Encourage proper behavior. Now as you do this, don't just stop with Proverbs. Okay, and we don't have time to go into all of this, but remember Proverbs wisdom not law. Here's another thing that you need to remember. Christ is the wise son of Proverbs, not you. Okay. Proverbs is about a wise son, and there's only one wise son. It's Christ, the son of Solomon, who is the wise son of Proverbs. Is Christ? Okay. This is huge because what it does is it says, listen, I'm giving you these truths from Proverbs, not because if you try hard enough, you can be the wise son of Proverbs. I'm giving you these truths from the Book of Proverbs, acknowledging the fact that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be the wist son of Proverbs, because only Christ is the wise son of Proverbs. So I'm pointing out these things that are deficient in you and pointing you to the cross, because that's the only place where the wise son, who is all these things can be formed in you, Which gets back to rebuking them against everything prejudicial to their salvation. She said, how I did that? Okay, So be really careful on this that we're not going back to legalism and moralism here, all right. So when we're encouraging proper behavior, remember that we are talking about the behaviors in themselves. But ultimately we're getting to the truth that is found in Christ and a character that belongs to him two in form of improper behavior. Not just this is good, this is this is bad, this is wrong? Okay? What is it that's wrong about that? Okay? And there's some ways that we can do this. You know. Oftentimes when our children, you know, do something, you know, and our families like your family, and then you'll have a child who apologizes for whatever and One of the things we like to do is go, go, that's great, you know you're sorry for that, you want to be forgiven for that. But why is it wrong? Why was it wrong? Well, what's wrong with talking to your brother like that? Why is it inappropriate for you to take that thing that didn't belong to you? Right? So, in form of improper behavior, and again we're going back to the text, not this is wrong because we don't we just don't do that. That's great, but it's not enough, okay. In form of improper behavior, why is this wrong? Explain the negative consequences of sin? What does God say about this? What does he warn in regard to this? Okay? And then we gently exhort do not do not, don't be that person, don't live like that, okay, and then gently rebuke and reprove. Here's some things that we've seen and they're not okay and they need to be corrected. Okay, So go through those five steps with these areas that you've just pointed out one, two, three things, and then trace them back through this process. And then we go to our children right with these things, and we start being formative. We start being formative, all right, And we get this, you know, And I'll close with this, this great, wonderful biblical example of formative discipline. There's a young man who wanted to learn karate, and he went to a man who knew karate in order to learn, and the man had him to wax his car. He was very specific in how his car was supposed to be waxed. Wax on, wax off, right, wax on, waxall. And then then he hadn't paint his fence, right, paint defense. He's very specific and how you hadn't paint def You guys know the story, right, it's karate kid, right, it's the karate kid, you know. And mister Bili comes and eventually the kids like, you're supposed to be teaching me karate. You're not teaching me karate. Mister just goes off, you know, he does all these moves and stuff. Right, What's what's the message there? That was formative discipline. Those things looked like they had nothing to do with karate, right, but they did. They were important and formative discipline. Same way, okay, And our kids may think, you know, this has nothing to do same thing when it comes to whatever, you know, reading or math or science or all this other stuff. Right, They may think, why am I doing this? This makes no sense. Well, that's because you're ignorant. And I don't mean that as an insult. It's just true. You're ignorant. You don't know what you don't know. And we have to treat our children like they're ignorant because they are. They don't know. So we don't wait for our children to figure things out. We teach them what they don't know. And that's what formative discipline does. Okay, So go back with these tools, use these tools, and then eventually we'll be able to go through the same process with everything that we're dealing with with our children and begin to be more purposeful in our children's formative discipline. Ay Man, all right, let's pray Father, thank you for again another opportunity to gather around your word, or another opportunity to apply the truth to scripture to these very important, vital, everyday issues of life. We desire to raise our children and to do so rightly. So often we say we just desire to raise good kids, but there's no who's good. We don't want to raise good kids. We want to raise godly kids. And we can only do that with your help. We can only do that through the person and work of Jesus Christ. We can only do that to the gree degree that Christ is formed in them, and so grant by your grace that we might use all the tools that you've given us for that purpose. For we ask these things in Christ's name and for his sake. Amen.