Dating and Courtship

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Starting mind that today is our last day meeting. So from here we have our session which is entitled dating and Courtship. It is represented by. Gold bouch and Junior. And then don't forget that from eighteen paty to twenty pety we meet in the main book where will have the last closing session which would be handled by Road. So then asked that we stanned and seeing him number sixty three Race his supplement entitled. This in this Love. So we stand and seeing him number sixty three about being from Race in supplement. Mm hmm. By so, so. The timing begain in and seen. Me. It's it's time. Is that reason? It's are you sir? Thank you for singing. I will ask past singer lease sing that to give us the opening prayer? Shall we friend? Oh yeah, father, we think you very much for the time about us. It's my prayer that decision as for inflation and buy us. So that last m ray that not race. That's m hm m hm. Okay, we'll good afternoon. Now we've had lunch, so this session is going to be a little more interactive, so that I don't have to go wake anybody up, so that nobody has to come wake me up, right. So it's always interesting when we have a session like this. This session is about courtship and dating, and it's always interesting to have a session like this because essentially, I'm being asked to ask to talk about something, or to talk about what the Bible has to say about something that the Bible has nothing to say about. Dating is not a biblical concept. Ay man, somebody right, It's not a biblical concept. And so before we get into this, what I want to do is sort of set up the parameters and talk about why this is so difficult for us. If we take ourselves back to the not so distant past, if we take ourselves back now, even in biblical times, even to just times, you know, a couple of hundred years ago, what you would find is people marrying in their teens. It would have just been a normal thing for people to marry in their teens. And so the interesting thing about that is that from a biological and physiological perspective, that has always made a lot of sense. People mature, they enter into physical, physiological adulthood during those years, and so marriage would happen during those years. But over the years, marriage has been delayed more and more, and the primary cause for that has been really the Industrial Revolution. Prior to the Industrial Revolution, what does a man need in order to support a family? This is where the participation part comes in. Anybody before the Industrial Revolution? What does a man need in order to support a fam? What's that? What a piece of land? If you've got a piece of land, and you know how to take care of a piece of land, and you know how to take care of, you know, animals, and you got a you know, a cow for milk or a goat for milk, and you've got some chickens and you can get eggs, and you know, you have some layers and some broilers. You can you know, you got some maize, right, you make it, some maze meal and some shima. You're good. Okay. The Industrial Revolution comes along and now all of a sudden, entering into the workforce becomes a thing, not just having a piece of land, but entering into industry, and that requires more time, more skill, more education. Right, So now we go from a young man basically needing a piece of land and a couple of animals to him needing education and a trade or some kind of job in industry, and so we see people getting married later. And as we progress beyond the industrial revolution to the technological revolution, that moves back even further toward. Now instead of people being married in their teens, people are moving marriage back to the late twenties and really approaching the thirties to where people are starting to be married. And that has a whole host of issues associated with it. A number of things that we see associated with that, from infertility to whole bunch of other issues, but one of the major things associated with it is this concept of dating as we understand it. So they used to be a pretty short window between the time that you developed biologically and physiologically into an adult to where you became a sexual being, right and the time when you would marry, which is the Bible's legitimate outlet and purpose for the expression of your sexual being. Amen. Like Amen, should have been right there. Let me let me, let me try it again. I'm backup, We're gonna try We're gonna try that one more time. Okay. So yeah, so now there's this big gap between you know, when you become the sexual being and when you in you're into marriage, which is God's outlet and purpose for you as a sexual being. Okay, all right, thank you, thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, so what do we do then? It's very interesting what we've done is we haven't gotten rid of that uh tendency for young men and young women to enter into that exclusive, almost covenantal relationship. We've just delayed marriage. So we've created quasi marriage. We've created a relationship that has many of the tendencies, many of the hallmarks of the biblical relationship, which is marriage. But it's not that. And so the idea, for example, that people would be a couple and not be married, that's a very recent phenomenon, right, that people would be a couple and that they would not be married. That that that, you know, teenagers would talk about being single again. I mean every time I hear that, what what does that even mean? What does that even mean? Well, it means you know that right now I'm not in a relationship. No, no, no, Being single again is what people say when their spouse dies or they get a divorce, which is exactly what's happening. Young people are entering into exclusive, committed relationships that mirror the marriage relationship. They are essentially playing marriage and then when it ends, they are essentially experiencing micro divorces. And it's crazy, it's devastating. I remember I didn't always have you know, all this right here, I was a young man in love before too right, my girlfriend lost, my girlfriend playing my breakup songs. You know. Oh, don't act like you know what? Okay, And so again we've created this. Now let's put this within the context of Christianity. So as Christians, we are committed to the Lord Jesus Christ, we are committed to sexual purity, and we're also committed to this cultural practice of quasi marriage, where we say, when we get into a relationship, we're not single anymore. By the way, if a person's not single, from a biblical perspective, what are they thank you all are paying attention. Okay, you're not single, you're married. If you're not married, you're single. But people get into these exclusive relationships and don't want to call themselves single anymore. It's a quasi marriage. And then here's what we do, because we're Christians, we say, I am committed to you and to you exclusively because I want to be a person of character. So we're dating. By the way, a date used to mean you make an arrangement, right, That's where the term comes from. Set a date, Right, We set a date and make an arrangement to meet somewhere, to go somewhere, and to experience something. So you know, there's a dance and we're going to meet. I'm going to pick you up. We're going to meet somewhere, and we're going to go to the dance. It's a date, right, That's what it used to mean. Now dating means quasi marriage. I'm not single anymore. I'm fifteen, sixteen, seventeen years old, and I'm not single anymore. I belong to another. Again, that's a biblical category reserved only for marriage, belonging exclusively to another. Okay, And so now I'm a Christian, so I want to be committed and I want to be faithful. So I'm committed exclusively to you, so emotionally, I belong to you. And then we're Christians, so we both got to be Christians. So we had to have a spiritual relationship, and we got to develop our spiritual relationship. So we have an emotional relationship and a spiritual relationship. But because we're Christians. We're going to commit to not having a physical relationship. Sexual relationship. Okay, I think it's better to say sexual relationship, because here's what happens. What happens is the law of diminishing returns. Okay, So the physical follows the emotional and the spiritual. Okay, And we fool ourselves and we say, no, we're going to deepen our spiritual commitment. We're going to deepen our emotional commitment, but we're going to avoid the ultimate physical commitment. You know what that's like. That's like getting in a bathtub, putting hot water in the front and making a commitment to not let it get to the back. So here's what we do. This spiritual and emotional commitment was designed by God to manifest itself physically. God did not design us to commit ourselves convenentally to one another, only part way. And so what happens is there's this law of diminishing returns. First, first, I'm satisfied just gazing into your eyes. That's enough, right, go home hard as all a flood. What did you do? We just gazed into each other's eyes. Oh that's so cute. But then that doesn't satisfy like it used to. So now you touch each other's hand, and it's cool because now it's like wow, like that spark that we used to have from gazing into each other's eyes. Now we touch each other's hands and it's like whole new thing, right until it's not. And then we don't want to touch each other's hand. We want to hold each other's hand. And then we don't want to just hold each other's hands. We want to hold each other. And then we don't want to just hold each other. We want to kiss each other, and then we don't want to stop me. If you've seen this movie, right, it's the law of diminishing returns. And so let's put these two things together. We reach physiological adulthood, where we are physiologically capable of being married and reproducing, but because of these cultural changes and nuances, we now have ten fifteen years where we're ready for that, but we put it off. And in those ten or fifteen years where we're ready for it and we put it off, we enter into quasi marriages, where we give ourselves to one another exclusively emotionally and spiritually, and try to fight not to follow through physically help you if you think that's a healthy thing. It ain't not. It's not. It ain't. That's stronger than it's not right. There is nothing in the world healthy about that. And here's the sad reality. The sad reality is that again, some of you would be surprised and shocked, but many of you wouldn't because you know, some of you would be shocked to know how many of our fellow committed, godly Reformed Baptist young men and young women are already sexually active because since they were in their early teens, they've been giving themselves covenantally to another, which God designed to happen in marriage, committing themselves emotionally, committing themselves spiritually, and believing that that could go on and grow and deepen and not become physical. And then they often learned the hard way that the physical naturally follows that spiritual and that emotional. Now, am I saying that it's impossible. No, that's not what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is it's unwise. Jesus said temptations will come, but woe to the one through whom the temptation come. It's one thing for me to be tempted as a natural process of living in the world. It's another thing for me to engage in practices that, by their design set me up for extra and ultra temptation. But essentially, essentially what we've done because in large part because of this huge gap, right and because of us just not knowing what to do with this huge gap, with this ten fifteen year gap. And unfortunately for many and that ten or fifteen year gap, they've experienced three four, five seven exclusive committed relationships quasi marriages that ended in many divorces. So now let's fast forward. I've been in five seven committed relationships where I said, it's you and me exclusively, it's a quasi marriage. I made the same commitment that married people make to one another, but was it married, and then things weren't so nice and we ended it. I did that four five seven times. Now I decide, I'm finished with my master's degree, I have enough job money in the bank, I'm approaching thirty let's go ahead, we're gonna get married. And now we get married. Now things get tough in my marriage, and four five seven other times I've made very similar exclusive, covenantal commitments and when it got hard, what did I do? Huh, what's my natural inclination going to be? Anybody quit to quit? And as somebody who's counseled couples for years and continues to do so, I am here to tell you it is far more common than you think, far more common than you think. So there's the there's the setup, there's the difficulty, there's the problem. I want to point you to some some hope. Okay, but what time do we sixteen sixteen? Okay, so I'm supposed to do questions at fifteenth thirty. We'll have some intermittent But okay, all right. If you have your Bibles with you, open them to the Forbidden Book, put them to the forbidden Book. Do we know what that book is? What? What? What? What? Sona Solomon Sarmas Solomon, SONA Solomon. I know those people out there, like, wait a minute, I thought this was a reform Baptist meeting. Serious Christians don't read that book. Think about how crazy that is. Right, I'm a serious Christian. So there's a book in the Bible that I consider off limits. No, all right, all right, So SONA Solomon, A couple of things. Just put this in this context. So Solomon is wisdom literature. Okay, it's poetic. It's wisdom literature, and it's poetic. It's very important to keep that in mind. You know. We need to we need to we need to understand the type of literature that we're reading. We don't read all of the Bible the same way, and unfortunately people tend to do that. They'll take a verse from over here in the wisdom literature, and a verse from over here in the Law, and then the verse from over here in the Gospels. And because they use the same word, they'll say, no, this is what No no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no. Okay. If you find a letter that I've written, I'm Dean of the School of Divinity at African Christian University. You find a letter that I've written and I've signed it as the Dean of the School of Divinity at ACU, then you would read that one way, right, like this is an official right, it's a letterhead. This is going to be official academic business. You find a letter that I wrote to my wife, you better not read it. But if you did, you wouldn't read it the same way that you would read the official letter that I've written in my capacity as dean. I could use the same word in each of those letters, right, and it would mean something completely different. Right, same word, but it would mean something completely different because of the type of literature. All right, So Songer Solomon is wisdom literature. Wisdom literature is not law. It doesn't lay down rules. It's about principles, and it's also poetic. There are three approaches to the book. Three basic approaches. One is a symbolic approach, right, that this is an allegory and everything in it is symbolic. Another one is a literal approach, that this is a you know, a literal This is literal writing about a particular relationship. Another is a redemptive historic approach, that there are things in here that are literal and things in here that are symbolic. But ultimately, the best way to understand the Song of Solomon is to put it within the context of redemptive history. Put it within the context, for example, of the relationship between Christ and his bribe the Church, and that is our ultimate template for understanding the truth and behind the Song of Solomon. Son of Solomon is about looking back at a love relationship through Psalm. Okay, and really there are six snapshots in the Song of Solomon. And you know we won't have time to go through the book, but I just want to give you a kind of a picture, kind of an overview, not as much as last time with Revelation, No asked. Snapshot number one Attraction. That's chapter one, verses one through eight. Attraction. Okay, And by the way, this is important because this is another thing. One of the things that gets us in trouble is that we lie, right, we try to be so holy. Right, No, it's so holle. Now I'm looking for a mate, I'm looking for gordliness. And no, come on, now, come on now, stop lying. There are things you're attracted to, amen, somebody, and there's things you're not attracted to. Right, We need to be honest about that. The attraction plays a role in this process. And I've actually had people ask me you know that question, because you know, we get so so heady and so helloa that you know, we're like to want something and to be attracted to something it must mean that it's not godly, because everybody knows that real Christians have no fun and like nothing. They just do it because it's gordly. No attraction Attraction is real, and attraction is providential. Attraction is providential. Right, think about this, there are there you know probably Now let me back up before I say this, and let me say what I don't believe. Do not believe for a moment in this sort of romanticized you know, wide eyed Cupid's arro of the one, one one. Everybody's all scared. You know, it's just it's just the one, and how do you know if it's the one? And how do you know if it's it's the right one? And you know, yatta, you know, And my kids asked me, Dad, how did you how did you know that mom was the one? She said, I do and that made her the one? Amen, somebody, Okay, because here's the problem. The problem is, you know, we have these wide eyed notions of you know that when it's when it's the one, and you know, and you're just gonna right and then we're gonna get married, and you know, our love will be the love to end all loves and there will be no love in the history of love that had loved as much as the love that we have within this loving love that we ship. I mean, it's just it's it right because because it's the one, and then you get married and you're like a month end and you're going, I don't like this person. Sometimes, and if you're if you hold on to that theology of the one, guess what you start asking yourself, I wonder if I'm married the wrong one, because everybody knows that if it's the one one one, that it's all butterflies and rose petals. Well, somebody lied to you, amen, So somebody lied to you. What is the greatest most significant marriage in the world. Huh? Christ and the Church? Now, when Christ gave himself for his bride, was. It because she was the one one one and because he felt butterflies and heard music and herd? No, he said, Daddy, if there's any other way, let this bitter cup pass from me. Me I don't want right. So again, this is not, this is not this is not the picture. And I've often said, you know, especially talking to husbands who struggle with this, like, Okay, when are you most christ Like when your wife is meeting your every need and you just can't think of anything more or better, Or when she's not and you lay it down anyway, you see the problem is that hole, the one one one lies to us. So we believe that when it's time to lay it down, that we've made a mistake, and nothing can be further from the truth. Okay, So attraction is real and attraction is providence. Now let me make the points that I was going to make, and you needed to hear that first, about the whole of the one or whatever. There are probably thousands of women that I could have married and would have been fine. Right, Godly women love the Lord and would love me, and we could right could have could have been fine. But providentially God placed into me certain desires, preferences, and and and providentially he did the same for her. And providentially, because of those desires and preferences that God placed within us, we we ended up marrying each other, and not one of thousands of other people you follow. So, so don't don't knock this. That's a part of providence. Okay. It's it's not the only thing, it's not the most important thing, but it is an important thing. Attraction Chapter one, verses one through eight. Then there's intimacy and courtship that's one nine through three eleven. One nine through three eleven. Then there's marriage and honeymoon and sex. That's four one through five to one. Stop it don't turn there. People are like, okay, I'm done right now, I'm going to chapter four. I'm gonna but again, there's marriage and honeymoon and sex, okay, and there's much to learn there. You know. One of the interesting things is that for many Christians, sex is just such a taboo subject. And so we have Christian children being raised to become Christian adults who've never been taught about sex from a biblical perspective, and yet they're going to get married and guess what's going to happen anybody, anybody? Yes, yes, right, And we're like, no, you need to know about this. You need to know about that, you need to be prepared for this, you need to be preyed for that. And then all of a sudden, they're coming to me because they're having issues with their sex life, because their loving Christian family decided to teach them about everything else but not touch on that. Our God doesn't do that. He addresses sex and his instructions to his children. You can't say amen. You got to say out. I don't write the mail, I just deliver it, okay, And it's in here. Then the fourth snapshot is conflict. Conflict. And it's interesting how this goes right because having done you know, marriage conferences and conferences and marriage counseling and weddings and you know, and pre marriage counseling and all this sort of stuff, I see this and it goes like this. Every day. There's attraction, there's intimacy and courtship, there's marriage, honeymoon sex, and there's conflict. There's conflict, and God's not surprised by that. It's in his book. We get surprised by that and want to run away because somehow somebody convinced us that if you and by the way, this is a very pagan idea, the idea that fate will bring you the one and when it's the right one, that you won't have all of the that's a very pagan idea. Okay, so attraction, intimacy, marriage, honeymoon sex. By the way, I want you to note something that sex and intimacy are not synonymous. Intimacy is a part of sex, but it's not the same thing. And this is where people get in trouble. Okay, intimacy, let me give you a simple definition of intimacy. Intimacy happens when I let you into a part of my life that's not readily available to everybody else. Let me explain. I tell you my name, that's not being intimate. I got a name tag off right, that's not being intimate. But if I say, listen, i've never told another person this, I'm being intimate. And it's interesting. Affairs start with intimacy. You know, I just love talking to you the things I can't talk to my wife about. I just said, there's a part of me that I'm giving to you that I'm not giving to my wife. And if I say that often enough, eventually I'll give you the part of me that I'm only supposed to give my wife. Are you following me? So, intimacy is a part of a sexual relationship, but they're not synonymous, and we need to build intimacy. Here's the other thing. If intimacy is a part of a sexual relationship, this explains what I said earlier. Because if I'm fourteen, fifteen, seventeen, eighteen, twenty one years old and I'm saying I'm not single anymore, and I've given myself to you exclusively, and then we're going to have an emotional relationship and a spiritual relationship. What's another word for that? What's another word for it? Intimacy? We're going to have intimacy. And I just told you intimacy is not sex, but it leads to sex and is an important part of sex. Which is why when you pour the hot water into front of the tub, the back gets hot. Attraction. Intimacy, Courtship, marriage, honeymoon, sex, conflict, then romance, romance chapter seven to one through eighty four. There's romance, sure marriage what yes, absolutely, absolutely? And again I talked to Christian young people who just like that just blows their mind. You're like, wait, married people are supposed to be romantic. No, married people better be romantic. Amen, somebody. And then finally commitment eight five through the end. And so again there's this wonderful picture of this relationship, this intimate covenant relationship, this intimate man woman covenant relationship that we follow through this book. So why Son Solomon number one God's design for courtship, marriage and sex. This is so let's go back to the problem that we outlined earlier. Right, So we've got this ten fifteen year gap where we're sexual adults physiologically ready for marriage, but for you know, cultural historical reasons, we got a ten to fifteen year period where we have to be ready for it but not engage in it. In the midst of that, we're going to enter into quasi marriages where we make commitments that only married people are designed to make. Say that we're not single anymore, have emotional exclusivity and intimacy, spiritual exclusivity and intimacy. But we're Christians, so we're going to try to avoid the natural inclination toward the physical exclusivity and intimacy that naturally follows it. And oh, by the way, my church and my family are not teaching me about these things other than to say it's bad, don't do it. But everything in you knows it's not bad. Hey. Man, if it was bad, you wouldn't be here. So now that makes it this forbidden thing that you're even more curious about and getting no information on. Right, do you see this whirlwind that we're creating here? Okay, So God's design for courtship, marriage sex. Secondly, Song Solomon is important because we need to counter the world's lives. The world has sold us a bit of goods. And if you've seen a movie in the last twenty years, you've been sold that bill of goods. Right. The whole idea of romance and all of this, the way we think about it, comes to us through this sort of fairy tale, romantic comedy perspective that creates unrealistic, unattainable expectations, which leads to incredible frustration when people finally get married. Okay, so we need to counter the world's lives. And here's the great irony. The great irony is that this lie that they're selling pales in comparison to the real thing that God has given us. It pales in comparison to the real thing God has given us. Okay, there are people who are out there just as empty as they can be, trying to convince themselves that the next sexual partner is going to be the one one one right, that the next relationship is going to the next, the next, the next, the next, and they just grow emptier and emptier. Thirdly, avoid the pain that accompanies the current model. It's devastating. It's devastating, and some of you have experienced that devastation, right, it is, And so anything that we can do to mitigate that we need to do it all right. Wow, okay, I wanted to look at at least the first part here. But let me do a couple of things to see if we can get to that before we do our questions. And traditional cultures, marriages are arranged by families. I mean, historically, this is the way things have happened. Right. You don't just send your kids off and hope they come back with a good one, right you You, if you're Abraham, you you tell your most trusted servant put your hand under my thigh and swear that's what he did. Trust me, it was a thing. Okay, but but but swear to me. Swear to me a couple of things. Number one, you're not gonna find a wife or my boy from around here. Number two, you're gonna go and you're gonna find a boy from my wife among our kindred and our people. And the servant goes a name, doesn't even talk to Isaac talks to the servant. Right when does he talk to Isaac? I don't know when he goes, hey, Isaac, servant brought you some But that's traditional history, and it starts with character and seeks romance. It starts with character and seeks romance. We go the opposite way around. We start with romance and hope, we end up with character. And you know what that ends up resulting in. What that ends up resulting in is the person who is just hopelessly devoted, Yes in Greece, y'all, I don't even know that movie. The person who's just hopelessly devoted to someone who's got bad character, who's not a Christian. But you've already given yourself to them. And so now you start making justifications, right, you start doing all you're going through all of these mental gymnastics to excuse the lack of character because you started with romance. In modern culture, marriages independent of families. It's a a little different in modern African cultures. Not completely different, right, not completely different. In most modern African cultures, we have the facade of family involvement, but it's just that it's a facade. You go off and find somebody, you get committed, right, and then after you've already made your decision, they come and they bring plays and you go through the formality with the family, so that we then pat ourselves on the back. Go look how family oriented we are right. We had absolutely nothing to do with it by the time before it got to us. Right, is this thing on again? So there's there's there's sort of a facade of the family involvement. So we send our children off hoping they come back with a good one. And even traditionalists, you know, who asked for a woman's hand in marriage, right, even traditionalist who go through the whole process, right like they've they've already gotten what they want. They're just going through a formality. There was a song, there's a real popular song all over the place several years ago called marry her anyway, right, And the whole premise of the song was the guy went to the dad to ask for the girl's hand in marriage, and the dad said no. And he's like, dude, what's wrong with you? I don't care. I'm gonna marryer anyway. Right. I was just asking to be polite, okay, because we've already decided this, you know. And here again it starts with romance and ends with character, our hopes to end with character. In this first segment in Song of Solomon, you see two things. We see this reference to name and heart, character and submission. Wow, let's just let's just look. Let's just look real quick here. Song of Solomon, chapter one, verse one, the song of Songs, which is Solomon's let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, where your love is better than wine. Man. See now we had a Baptist conference talking about kissing and wine. Lord, have mercy. We're in trouble. I'm gonna get disciplined somehow. Your anointing oils are fragrant. Your name is oil poured out. That's your character. Okay, that's your character. Therefore, virgins love you. Why because of your character, because of your name, draw me after you let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers. We will exalt and rejoice in you. We will extole your love more than wine. Rightly do they love you? I am dark, but lovely, Oh, daughters of Jerusalem, like the tents of Ketar, like the curtains of Solomon. Do not gaze at me because I am dark, Because the sun has looked upon me. My mother's sons were angry with me. They made me keeper of the vineyards. But my own vineyards I have not kept. So she's talking about her physical appearance that she hasn't been able to keep up. Tell me you whom my soul loves, where you pastor your flocks where you make it? Lie down at noon? For why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions? What does that have to do? Has to do it character? I'm not coming to you in secret, I'm coming to you in public. This whole again, if we had time, This whole section here is about character and about the attractiveness of character. It's not exclusive, right, your fragrance, your aromas and all this other it's not exclusive, but it is pre eminent. This is about character, first and foremost your name, and then for her, what makes her attractive? Right outwardly, she says, you know, I haven't been able to take care of myself because of the things that I was forced to do. And yet what's this whole book about? How crazy he is about her in spite of the fact that she has not been physically pampered and preserved like some of the other women. There are things that are more important than that, and she has those things that are more important than that. Okay, so okay, it's fifteen thirty. Let me read a little bit more. If you do not know almost beautiful among women? Stop right there, don't miss this. She says, I haven't taken care of my skin. Right, Essentially, that's what she's saying. I haven't taken care of my skin. You know, she's not the rich, pampered girl with the beauty products and you know, with the with the soft skin and all of this. Because she's been pampered, her hands are probably coarse, and her skin hasn't been taken care of like that. And so she's self conscious about this. She's self conscious about her appearance. And what does he say the first time he speaks, if you do not know almost beautiful among women? Following the tracks of the flock and pasture your young goats beside the shepherd's tents, I compare you, my love, to a mayor among pharaoh's chariots. By the way, pharaoh's chariots are pulled by stallions, he said to her, Compared to you, all the other women look like men. Huh. There's serious stuff right here, y'all. But you see this though, right, You see that there is this attraction. But what is chief among all of it. The character. Right, it's not character without any attraction. It's character that enhances attraction. Okay, okay, your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make for you ornaments of gold studded with silver. Well, okay, I'm gonna stop because you would just okay, I'm gonna stop. But you get the point, right, you get the point. And those six vignettes I think are incredibly important for us. We need to have a full orbed biblical understanding and view of attract and of courtship, and of marriage and sex, and of marital conflict and of resolution of that conflict and romance and commitment. Okay, that's a very different picture than the one that is painted for us by our culture. So in the midst of this sort of dead zone, right that ten fifteen year dead zone, we need this. We need this more than ever. Okay, we need this more than ever. And what I want you to go away from with this is that God has spoken, has not left us wandering aimlessly in the dark on these incredibly important issues. And there is hope, and beyond hope, there is beauty and great joy that He has stored up for us. Amen. All right, Maybe not what you were expecting from this session. But it's what you got. Ask me your questions. No, I'm not going to reach out before okay, yes, oh sorry, we have to do a little switch, see I remember. Okay, very exciting. But my question is what's you Would you advise that they don't get into any kind. Of relationship well know, see relationship is a very broad word. I would, I would advise that they don't get into exclusive, covenantal relationships. If if you are not ready to be married and you're in a relationship that's got you saying you're not single anymore, you're in danger. M No, I don't give to her. Now, go ahead, go ahead, buship. People who are already in these marriages. A. Yeah, yeah, I see. That's a yeah, that's a that's a that's a tough one right there, because you know you're you're you're already there, and you are already experiencing some of the some of the elements that lead to this massive either pain and disappointment and heartache for the massive compromise. Right. I've often said that, you know, being an exclusive relationship before you're ready to be married is like going shopping when you don't have any money. Either, you're going to leave frustrated or you're going to take something that doesn't belong to you, right, And so I would just caution people that you need to reevaluate and rethink what this relationship is and what it ought to be. Right. Yeah, And I think we if we we really care about people, we don't want to put them in compromising positions in situations. You know, we need we need to care about it enough to not put them in compromising positions and situations and and and and have good wholesale relationships, right, learn how to have brothers, sister, you know, relationships, but but at the same time be wary of this whole I'm no longer single mentality. H question is in the Beginnings book, how. Where are you? Okay? There in the beginning the people I've got ready to be my. And it's even yes is it? My question? Is get anything began? What they should? Ye, get you get married? You know? And I think part of that too. This is not only my message to young people, but I think more importantly it's my message to parents, right because you know, parents treat marriage. Not we don't intend to, but parents often treat marriage to their kids. They basically say, listen, ye, marriage is going to come. But what I want you to do is suck all the joy out of life first, and they go get married to somebody and die, right, because because you know, marriage is just it's a burden. You know, marriage is going to prevent you from ABC X y Z. Right. We treat marriage like this. We don't intend to, right, but if we're not careful, that's what we end up doing. We end up treating marriage like this burden that must be put off as long as possible. Right. And so then we have people who put off marriage. We have young women who take their most fertile years and put off marriage, and then they get married and we're looking at them crazy because they're not giving us grandkids. That's all I have to say about that. Okay, next question, So. Pastor, you have. Mentioned how byko it is for someone to be rich to get married before they get involved with a person. Now, they also mentioned the. Reality of the gap between someone of the truths and someone is actually ready to take care of a home. Now, with. This reality of attraction, I mentioned character attraction in other situations, those are not always reversed. The processes all correctly. The character is that Ben defied. The attraction is there, and this person has a desire that is growing. It's not tear ready to take care of a home. Do you. How do you deal with that? No, you don't have to, You don't have to by you might have to pry the feelings away. Yeah, but but you know, if you my son comes to me and he says that I love this girl, and and you know he's nowhere near ready to be married. One of the phrases that's repeated in the song as solum is do not awaken love before this time. Do not awaken love before it is time. We defraud one another when we do that, right, And so, if you love this person, love them enough to let them go, and trust God enough to either bring them to you when you're ready or to bring you someone else. But but but but don't be greedy, right, don't don't don't be greedy. Don't say, well, I'm not ready yet. But what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna hold on to you right here. I'm gonna drag you through my life right so that you know when I'm ready. And and and oh, by the way, you know, some the better may come along. And then I'll let you go and then I'll drag that person through my life until I'm ready. No no, no, no no, Now, don't do that, right, don't do that. Don't defrag one another. So are you basically saying sit away as low as. Yes, and if you're not ready to get marriaged, go somewhere. But again, we also have to be we also have to have a more realistic picture of what being ready for marriage is. I talk to some young people right about being ready for marriage, and it's like, you want your life to be as stable as a forty year old before you get into it. Come on, now, that's ridiculous, that's ridiculous. You know, do you you don't need as much as you think you need in order to be ready to get married? Yeah? Yes, that was my question there where does how does someone that they're married or ready to be ready to be married? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah and so and you know, I've talked ofalking about the four ps. Right, especially for a young man, Right, he's ready to be a priest, prophet, providing, protective. The priest is the one who's ready to represent God before his people. Right, he's ready to do that. He's ready to take spiritual theological leadership or represents people before God, and that the prophet is the one who represents God before his people. The provider is the one who's ready two do what is necessary to provide his people with what they need. And the protector is the one who's ready to put himself between his people than anything that would do them hard. Right. These are character traits and character qualities that we see, and they can manifest themselves. They can manifest themselves early on, you know. So that's what we have to be asking not you know, you can have a master's degree and still not have the four p's and you can have a grade twelve and be ready to get back because it's about character, right. So yeah, and a lot of women make that mistake. Right. You got a guy with a master's degree who can't keep a job or won't keep a job, you know. And you got another guy and he hadn't graduated from college, but he's a steady worker. Right. Yeah, noon, So my question to you, excuse me, my question to you is what would you recommend for young people to do in that fifteen year period since you've encouraged us to take time If you're not ready. So what would you recommend young people do within that fifteen year period. Yeah? Everything, I mean, serve the Lord, serve, serve God. Service people, you know, find your gifts, talents, abilities, desires and passions and and and steward those, right, think like someone who's going to be married, and prepare for it. That's that's the other thing. You know. You've got people who are like, you know, yeah, so I'm gonna be a doctor. Oh really, yes, So I'm gonna do this right, and then when I finished this, I'm gonna do that. And then I'm gonna go here and I'm gonna do that. And then once I've done that, I'm gonna do this, and then I'm gonna get into practice. And here's the practice or a lawyer, you know, And they're like they've got it all mapped out, and like you go, okay, are you gonna be a husband one day? You give me a wife one day? Well, sure, give me your map for that. I mean, we're making no plans like we'll just magically one day because we've reached a certain age and a certain socio economic status. Now we just snap our fingers and we're ready for that. We would never treat the law like that. We would never treat medicine like that, we'd never treat engineering like that. We never treat anything else like that, only marriage, right, So yeah, be about that preparation. Yes, h. M hm be burying me up this week. And I was hoping maybe the animabors okay to talk to a single young maid and there is a want told me that it's still there's a poly t leasy for young men who get more than man here at that time they walked up of the life in plankets, and this week and next week they're getting somewhere. Maybe then they break. Up the stame case to you. And she said, it's foreman. But that also the back that why the m I name will great patience? She like, now we're not saying they are already bring out through some line, and that shows that you're ready to see respects. And so I don't know why to like that to speak to our young name. I know that you need to do more of big change. But it's yeah, but this goes back to the whole principle, the whole So here's the question that I'm going to ask, why is that wrong? Why? Why is that wrong? Are we in agreement that it's wrong. Anybody think it's not wrong. Anybody you didn't like making you to raise your hand right now, right, somebody up here that will not be identified with. But here's why I asked question. We think that's wrong because we see it as a quasi marriage. That's the only way that we could think that's wrong. You think there's an exclusive, covenental relationship that exists and needs to be honored. You're treating it like marriage. That in and of itself proves my point. So there's a fundamental problem there. Right, if we're not ready to be married, then we don't need to be in the kind of relationships where we have these ethics around it that look exactly like the ethics around marriage. So you had mentioned who someone asked a questions, how do you have your marriage? Anna? You gave the fourth pieces for a young man who was to head the home. Yeah, so my question is what would that look like for a yeah, the same yeah, yeah, so a young lady with the same goal. Ultimately, what we're looking at is maturity and submission. Broadly, maturity and submission, right, that's' willoking for she's not submissive to her father she won't be submissive to you. He gave her life and better flow. Hey, what are you cute? Yeah? Kaya, yes, sir. It seems like you're saying that boyfriend and girlfriends is not allowed. So is it okay? If I feel like I'm ready to marry, to get into someone's relationship, I just get the give because I'm ready to. Go for it. That's one of my students, by the way. For us, that's whatever. Yeah. But and then that's the other thing too, Right, you have people who are at that place and and they're ready, but then they're still dragging their feet. I get one of the one of the phenomena, and it's you're more prevalent here. I hear it here all the time. Right, Young people are like, I'm getting married, that's awesome. When twenty twenty five? What what do you? What is it? Later away play? I mean what you know or what you call it layby or whatever? Like no, no, no, no, no, you know how long you need to be engaged long enough to plan a wedding? Married in twenty twenty four? No? Hum hum? That again, that's like, I'm gonna hold on to this right because I'm selfish and I don't want to let go. I'm still gonna be on the lookout in case something better comes around. I won't be honest about that, right, m ladies, don't let it happen to you. Don't let it happen to you. Somebody come to you talking about twenty twenty five anyway, Okay, next question, next, next question. Okay, all right, our time is almost up. But listen, be on the lookout. No guarantees, but there may be an actual Song of Solomon conference coming up where we walked through the whole book. Right, maybe maybe just be on the lookout. In the meantime, I commend it to you with that outline and just encourage you to Number one, know that God has a plan, right, He hasn't just left us wandering aimlessly in the dark. Number two, know that his plan is good. Amen. God's not trying to rob you. He's not He's not trying to deprive you. Okay. God's got a plan and his plan is good. And the last thing is this. The world. Desperately needs to hear and to see this good plan because ultimately, what is this a picture of the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church, which looks nothing like what Hollywood sells us, but is far more fulfilling, satisfying and in the end God glorifying, and that's what we're after. Amen. All right, thank you. I think in this spectacular time, I'll ask you more that we pause for a few minutes just to reflect on what we're blent for this particular day and there after our cause with a word of prayer. I mean, we're Britain. We've come to the end of our afternoon service in session, but just be reminded that we're meeting again at eighteen thirty to twenty thirty when you will be having our last session in our conference. We'd like to thunk our our voting boots Junie for that worderful presentation. I wanted to ask something, but I felt I felt I should hold it because I'm aware that our children, we try to advise them making choices that they always want to experiment. Yeah, so I would encourage all of you that that those that have had this message that please take your time, do a good job. Then commit everything in the hands of God and then you will guide it. Shall we pray our good and our Father in Heaven. We come before you once again to bring our thanksgiving to you or the way in which you've been with us since morning up to this time. Lord, Indeed, you didn't leave anyone out, especially in the last discuss that we had. That indeed, Lord, you were able to open our ears, our eyes, and our hearts. Therefore, Lord, we bring honor and praise unto your name. We also look forward that, indeed, Lord, in the same way that you've been with us this afternoon, Lord, extenditive into the evening last session. That we'll have. That, indeed, the whole spirit will be in our midst. Now dismiss us with bracings as we prepared for the last session. As we ask all these things through Saint Jesus Christ, with our Lord and Savior, will pray Amen. H hinaaati. Konda ife when they laudio artifuna funa ia Indentali so said to