A Adoptive Parent Expectations

All right, So I have three clips from body Backham as we started here. The first one introduces us to a little bit of his family and then what he talks about the importance of what adoptive parents do. For me, adoption has helped me both as an individual Christian and as a pastor. Until you know, I became a father to adopted children and was able to look at my children and know these are as much my children as those children who were related to me biologically. Until that moment, I wasn't able to fully just understand and grasp what it means to be a child of God because we are as children by adoption. When you understand the adoption that know me are is shooting and he's not going anywhere. Adoption is about the gospel. For me, adoption is important because it's just a beautiful picture of God's grace in my life. I was really the forerunner and doing something to prevent us having more children. Biologically, I was insane. I was wrong. I wanted to be in control and I didn't allow God to be in control. God is so faithful to give us back with the locusts to be I just give a chance to love on some kids who were actually my kids and raise them. It's just been a blessing. I did not think that I would be almost fifty years old with seven kids, seven little kids, But I tell you, I wouldn't trade this for anything. When we started this journey, we were on the downhill side of perthy you know, we had two kids, they were fourteen and eleven. We were just a few years away from an emptyness. And now we're, you know, almost fifty, and you know we're looking at ten eight, six, five, four three, almost, you know. So, no, we're not doing the empty nests statement. What else are we going to do? What else are we going to do with our lives that would be more important than what we're doing right now with our lives. I can't think of anything. I like to know that even Thoughdi Baka needs his wife still remembering the ages of his kids sometimes. But I really liked what he said there at the at the end of just talking about the there's nothing more important than we can do with our lives and investing in the in the lives of others, And so that kind of steps up where we left off last time, where he's going to give some an encouragement on what's most important in our parenting process. If a child somehow learns to attach to me better, but they never come to a place where they grasp the reality of sin and brokenness, that I have satisfied my own sinful desires, my own selfish desires. And so he talks about it's possible for us actually to be thinking about our own selfish desires, their owne doostry, and I'm falling short when it comes to parenting this child. Children come into this world and they don't know a whole lot, but what they have is parents. They have a relationship with us, and that relationship is designed to protect them. That relationship is designed to teach them about God and his authority, and that relationship is designed to shipperd them through the process of coming to know these things more surely and more personally. Ultimately, I'm shepherding my children to the cross, and I'm shepherding my children to a relationship with God. So the most important thing with me and my children is not necessarily them finding their way to me, but then finding their way through me to God. That's what my parenting relationship is ultimately on, all right, And then the next clip kind of picks up where where that left off. Hopefully this old Let's begin with task one. As we seek to understand our child, there are some things that can get in the way of that. And two of the primary things that get in the way of us really understanding our child are our assumptions and our expectations. And we stop and think about where our assumptions in life and our expectations come from. They come from our experience. And so I'm going to challenge you your assumptions about your child. Your expectations for what your child is capable of is probably not as accurate as you think. And let me explain that. Take, for instance, how different would you say your experience growing up, being a child and being parented is from that of the experience of your child. Now, there's a broad variety of backgrounds that your children come from, So I want to talk about some of those things to understand how we're different from our children. Take, for instance, the prenatal environment that you developed in and that of your child in the womb. Your child may have been exposed to high levels of stressful rooms or chemicals that were put into their mother, their biological mother's body, and you want early in life. What were the experiences of being cared for as an infant? Where you fed when you were hungry, were you cleaned when you were dirty, Where you've held in touch and talked to and your child wasn't all of these things come together to build an experience that then determines what our expectations are for ourselves and for others and for our children. And so when we look at our children, knowing that they've had such a different background from us, we be very careful about what we assume about what they're thinking, what they're capable of, and our expectations for what their behavior can and will be. So as we talk about expectations, I want to hear a little more from Pastor Bockham about the expectations that some of us enter into when we go to adopt or foster a child. I think when it comes to children who come into our home through adoption, the greatest difficulty is our expectation. Oftentimes we have this picture in our minds, and our picture is that it's sort of a lifetime movie picture. We have this allmark movie of the weak idea that we're going to adopt the child, the child is going to come from a difficult background. They've been waiting for us their whole lives. When we adopt them, they will run into our arms and they will hug us and kiss us and thank us, and it'll just never end, and we'll right off into the sunset. The fact of the matter is that's not real. Our children are centers, We are sinners, and we're dealing with children who have tremendous problems. Chief among them is the fact that they're born and said and shape their inguity. And so our goal has to be a realistic goal, and it also has to be a christ centered and cross centered goal. So I may never experience the kind of relationship that I imagine with a child that comes into my home through adoption. So I want to just pause there, because one of the things that struck me is he says, the greatest difficult in his estimation for many parents actually begins with their own expectation. And that's maybe different than probably a lot of us thought about it, or even the way a lot of us might even think about it. Now, how much how much of the difficulty actually has to do with our thinking as parents, And he goes on to talk about the reality of sin, not just in our kids, but in us. It compounds this difficulty in the way we think. And he says, our goal has to be realistic, and it also has to be a price centered and a cross centered goal. That's one of the things I really like about the emphasis is teaching and these speakers here, because there's other important things even that have been brought up in the beginning here, and there's different emphasis that you can find from psychological goals or bonding base or behavioral goals for our kids. But I think it's important to start where he says, this is such an important issue that often or in many cases, a great difficulty that we have to talk about is expectations and if you have your study guide open. And that's also what John bergeron the guy who introduced this, says on page on the left hand side. There he says, the two primary things that get in the way of understanding our children are our assumptions and our expectations. And I want to play actually a little bit more from John bergeron where he kind of expounds on this in his own He's been doing a lot of ministry in this area, a lot of counseling for over ten years of families and he talks about some of the most common issues and where he starts with in counseling. That's something that I'm hoping for that will continue, and it's something that I'm learning more and more. It's just that we can never ever minimize the impact that we could potentially have if God is the one fueling it. So again, today you're in for a treat with this interview. I was able to sit down with Welcome to Think work on the podcast for Orphan Excellence, Real talk with real people navigating the global world crisis. That's drug that I've learned in more and more is just that we can never ever minimize the impact that we could potentially have if God is the one fueling it. So again, today you're in for a treat with this interview. I was able to sit down with John bergeron with the Austin Cown Counseling Austin Austin Stone Counseling Center, and John's also a speaker, He's an adopted father, He's just a man who you're going to learn a lot and that On that note, what are some of the most con issues that you are dealing with? I'm sure so many people out there listening have adopted, Are there any process of fostering? Are considering it? You know, what are what are the most common issues you're dealing with? And really, how are you advising counseling people are people to go through those similar issues? Sure? Yeah, you know, I can answer that question in two ways. One, probably the one most people are expecting, would be to kind of talk about how the you know, what kind of things that children bring into the home in terms of you know, you've got aggression, you've got attachment issues, There's often a lot of neurological and health issues. But as I was thinking about that questions you asked, I thought, you know, I really end up working more with parents, because I believe, you know, I can help a child far more by equipping and preparing their parents than really working with them maybe once a week at most. And so the things I see in families is probably two things. Number one is after the adoption, I find a lot of couple struggle with some pretty deep and painful disappointment. And that comes about because we often enter into this this adoption world kind of the way I did, with some really unrealistic expectations about what it's going to be like and what I'm going to do for this child, and what you know, how quickly they're going to heal and bond to me? And sometimes it often, I would say we as parents, we end up facing some real disappointments in that arena. Their reality is often a lot harsher than what we had imagined, and sometimes even we're prepared for. So, so I would say that's that's probably one of the big issues that I work through parents with is just kind of grieving the loss of that that dream and sometimes that those unrealistic expectations, so that we can step into the reality that God has called us into, which often isn't quite as glamorous and definitely not as neat and clean as we would like it, right, Absolutely, absolutely, and definitely seeing a lot of that in the work I've been doing, so very similar answers assessment he gave in terms of one of the most important issues where we have to start and acknowledge and talked about it actually in Brian Gorgman's book on the very first page. If you remember reading that. Dan Krueger, I don't know if you're familiar with him, but he's probably been one of the most involved Christians. He's been the founder Together for Adoption, organizing conferences and supporting parents. Wonderful ministry. Together for Adoption is the website some great some great resources. But he talks about how common and easy it is to romanticize adoption, and Brian Gorgman's talked about that also, But he writes there on the first page, the post adoption journey always involves some suffering, and then he goes on to mention often unexpected parental feelings of loneliness, resentment, anger, doubt, intergret. He says, I've talked to many couples who began their adoption journeys with great anticipation and excitement. Those are those expectations only to be met with behavioral and emotional issues that quickly move them out of your death. And then at the end of the introduction by Pastor Borgman, he says this, the quicker you know the truth, the quicker you can adjust your expectations so as you're able to learn and adjust and then step into the reality as he says that God has for us. On the sooner you can do that, the better. Let me just ask you, guys, how many of you guys have read Bryan's book through yet at this point it's okay if you have, but me encourage you guys to read through it for next week. I think, just to give you a homework assignment, it'd be good to read chapter five and six, where he talks about grace to readjust our thinking and a ministry mindset and spiritual warfare. He talks about we'll get into that a little bit later in the course, but he writes this on page fifty two, we must go into adoption with this kind of ministry mentality. How do you know when you have a ministry mentality when you're bringing to the calling no expectations and a heart full of compassion. And so he says, one of the ways we know we're thinking ministry wise is we're not expecting things that for us. We're expecting what God has for us for us to do. And I want to introduce you to another ministry that's actually touched very much on the same note. How many of you guys have heard of Tapestry Ministry. It's out of Urban Bible Church. They have some very helpful resources and so this is a good ministry for you guys. Tapestryministry dot org. This is their website here and you probably can't read that, but you can see on the just to give you an idea of their categories on the right hand side, resources for adoptees, birth mothers, for churches, for families, books, challenges issues, discipline, getting started, motivations, expectations, race, culture, school issues, and thearious blogs and all kinds of topics down here. But they also talk about this. Michael Monroe and his wife Amy started this ministry out of their church to support families, and this is they've had a lot of involvement counseling and being involved with people, and so I want to let him weigh in on this whole topic as well, taking a new look at your expectations. We often talk with parents and we find them very frustrated, sometimes even on the verge of crisis, because of the challenges and behaviors they're facing with their kids. And while there are a number of principles and strategies that are highlighted in the Connected Child and that are focused on the Empowered to Connect website that can deal specifically with how to respond appropriately to those behaviors, I think it's important for parents to always keep in mind that we need to go back and look at a number of things, and one of those is our expectations. Expectations play a huge role in the adoption and foster care journey. I think oftentimes what we find is that we hear about some of the challenges and some of the behaviors and some of the issues that we're likely to face along this journey. Early on. We hear about them. We may even read about them. We may go to trainings and conferences and really get a lot of information. But somewhere along the way many times, and I know this has been true for Ani and I, we filter those out. We simply make the logical decision in our own mind that's not going to happen to me, and so we go down a series of steps where we begin to form very solid expectations about what life and what this journey is going to look like for us based on filtered information. The reality is that we adopt a child from a hard place. When we adopt a child who's experienced loss and trauma or abuse, who neglect, which is all of our kids who come into our family through adoption and foster care, we need to have the appropriate expectations Many of our kids don't know what it's like to be a part of a family. Many of our kids don't know what it's like to feel safe, not to be safe, but to feel safe. Many of our kids don't know what it's like to have a voice and to be able to use that voice, able to have that voice heard and responded to in a loving and nurturing way. Many of our kids don't know what it's like to have appropriate boundaries and limits put on them in love. And yet many of us fail to expect that our kids don't know those things, and therefore, when they don't respond the way we expect them to, we're surprised, and we equickly become frustrated, and we quickly become sometimes even disillusioned and disheartened. In this journey, the reality is that we should expect challenges along the way, and while that won't make those challenges any easier, expecting them and then knowing that we need to be prepared for them, knowing that we need to connect with others and be supported to respond to them is a big part of being successful along this journey, and that Empowered to Connect dot org is also a website with a lot of resources, Karen Purvis, Texas Christian University have done a lot of stuff. What Tapestry Ministry does is they partner with them and they bring a lot of a lot of some of the scriptural principles to bear. They actually have a free downloadable study guide called Created to Connect where they tie in some of those principles with things that are in God's Word and so that's another helpful resource. How many of you, I know a couple of you guys have been involved with the trust based Relational intervention which they're also partnering with, if you're familiar with that. Also, my wife and I have gone to one of their one of their training events. They actually they have some various events and trainings in the in the area here. I know Jeff and me have also benefited from them. Anyone want to share just a little bit something that is that you found helpful through their the trust based relational intervention approach. Yeah, well, we have the video series we Haven't Loved, gone through the entire thing to revisit that for sure, and then we were were involved with the group that juppened me on. Okay, I've been involved with in uh rosill I think for me, it's removing the biggest thing was removing the emotional piece and setting limits. So you're not giving in to your child, but you're setting boundaries, but you're doing it without the emotion. They they train you on how to do it, you know, and remove that piece. I mean, that's the biggest challenge for me. So that's where it's been really helpful for me. Yeah, Jim, I think that was the first place that I had learned about the science behind how trauma affects our kids' brain and how devastating it is. So they do a lot of they've done a lot of research on that and how how our brains function, how they develop, how our kids who have had severe trauma neglect have parts of their brain that just aren't even developed at all, and it allowed it doesn't allow them to have eye contacts, have conversations, to respond in any kind of a normal way, you know. So it was very very eye opening. Yeah, yeah, good. On your study guide on the right hand of that page, I think it's page twenty seven, there's a little graphic that as we think about some of the things that we may be expected as we as we love and do things for kids. This is this is a tree of what often and not all of these apply to everyone, but these are often things that are what we what we see. What are some of the things you see on that on that chart there on the tree line at the top there lying what are some of the others manipulation, yeah, struggles and so that's obviously not an exhaustive list, but there's a there's a number of those are those are common things? And what do you think is the point of the the top of the tree and then the bottom of the tree. I'll pull this up in case you don't have the handout here, so other there could be tantrument could be involved here, clean excessive cleanness, manipulation, power, struggles, lack of affection. And then what's the point of this lower half of the of the visual here, although I think they're trying to represent the fruit of those things are what you see at Bob and the root of where those come from, the root of the issues are these are showing? Yeah, And so we'll actually see this a little bit more next time they'll talk John Burge around will talk more about this from a scientific and scriptural standpoint here. But I like the way he breaks it out because some some some people you'll read and they'll they'll tie these specific things. All is a one to one relationship to different things. But I think to see there's a cluster and there's a variety of roots and spirituals not to be ignored as well, spiritual and even some of the backgrounds where these kids have come from. But grief, lack of learning, bad learning. Sometimes there's neurological deficits that we have to be aware of, attachment problems, trauma, and so those are those are some important things for us to think about as we as we realize that there's often a connection between those roots and those fruit, but it's not always clearly a one to one relationship. Sometimes there's a combination and constellation of different things. Yeah. Absolutely, you know any of our kids us you have both biological and adoptic kids. You know they can have the fruit on the top or bio kids can't. But and you know, needing to be taking care of the discipline and things like that. But it's different with our adopted kids. When the fruit looks like that, I mean the roots looks like this, because it's not necessarily a behavioral sin issue, but it can look like that, the fruit can look like that. Does that makes sense? Yeah, And so that's why I like that they've got spiritual there in the center. And certainly there can be spiritual reasons, but there also can be these other reasons that are either contributing factors or in some cases, especially with neurological deficits and lack of lack of learning and bad learning, that it's it's very difficult. It's harder for them to break through some of those temptations to say. And so we keep the spiritual in mind, but we need to recognize there's these other things going on as well. So, yeah, Steve on that same line, because when you start bringing in the sin part of it, that sort of sometimes the hair up back, my neck stands up, because yeah, there's that component in all of us. But then you come to the neurological stuff. And I know, for myself, I feel like if I could just embrace the neurological problems, my expectations would change. But because my upbringing and how my expectations are and then the whole you're bringing them sin part of it, my expectations are too great and it brings the stress in of how do we deal with the emotions and everything. But to be able to recognize that there is an issue that goes beyond you know, the sin or how we raise this child, it would make things a lot either because then you can take the emotion out and realize that there is something going on here. Yet at the same time, you want to teach them what they need to know just in case they come out of it and they have those tools and stuff. That's you know, been a hard thing for Yeah. Yeah, that's the balance. That's the balance that that I feel like the questions of wondering, Okay, is this particular behavior? Is this just a sin? Or are we looking at some kind of fruit of you know, do you genuinely have a medical problem? And I see I'm using the word medical because I'm trying to separate just the natural propensity that we have to sin as to something that's hardwired or whatever, Like how do you draw a line or figure out what's what? That's the question that we always have and struggle with. And when you know, we have these behaviors that we discipline and then wonder later, you know, I hope that was the right thing to do, but isn't that also in the balance that I was thinking about is that when Scripture talks to it, it doesn't say if you have an autistic child, if you have a whatever something you know, or a traumatized child or an adopted child, that maybe you shouldn't. You know, you have to focus this way. That the balances you focus both ways, you never I think, you know, eliminate an opportunity to present the gospel knowing that there's maybe other things, you know, in there, because we serve a sovereign, huge God who who had you know, died for that child, you know, died for that child and wants to redeem him, you know, bring him back pho. He's born a sinner too, so or she so. Anyway, it's a balance. That's how I loved your word. Yeah, and you know, I would guess Steve and Nancy, you guys have had the physical disabilities, and then there's the mental things that aren't as obvious that it's it's probably I would guess it's easier to be compassionate for the physical, obvious things. But when the things aren't as obvious, or you're not sure is that true, it's it's harder to be compassionate, And I was just thinking about this, doesn't mention fear here. I think that'll come in later. But I remember being in an event and there was a girl standing, young girl standing up giving a speech, and it was just so obvious she was fearful that her lip was trembling, And I think every mother of the place are just melting with emotion and compassion. Sometimes fear actually looks quite a bit different for some of these kids, and when it looks like anger and aggression, it's a lot harder to be compassionate than when you just see them before your eyes. And so that'll that'll come in later, But I think it's it's just a really helpful thing to keep that keep those things in mind. So I was thinking, we're also not supposed to provoke our children, and so I feel like it is different with our some of our biological children than our adopted children because of these things. So where we're not supposed to let sin go, you can't necessarily discipline the same, yeah, because it will provoke them versus bringing them to Christ. Right, So we still have to deal with sin. But I think some of the important things is there's different strategies for dealing with sin when there's some of these things going on that are that we'll we'll see as we go through this course. But yeah, that's good. Let me let me introduce you to one more resource that I wanted to make sure we get to today. It's uh, actually there's a only when we play this this interview for you first. But her name is Sherry McMahon. This is the interviewed. The resource just came out this year, I think just in the last few weeks. Kevin Swanson was interviewing her on Generations and this actually just popped up on my ceremon audio when I was looking at other things. She's a mom of eleven kids, five of those are adopted, and several of those had had serious reactive attachment disorder and various background and trauma things. And she's been for many years, uh, putting together resources on a blog and encouragement. She's actually come out with the with the book and she she talks about this issue of expectations. Also, this thing just seemed to keep coming up and the resources I was in and so she's talking about how she tries to counsel or encourage moms who were were wrestling with some of those expectation things. Mm. You know, I think a lot of adoptive parents walk into adoption with a lot of expectations, and it seems to me that they go through a period of time in which they're crushed. They just the immediate expectations are crushed and they don't want to do right. Well, how do you respond to people who are dealing with broken expectations in the adopted process. Well, I think parents who are parenting traumatized children, which all children from foster care, from adoption, from orphanages are traumatized children because they've been separated from them both parents. I think you have to realize that they have tremendous grief that they have to go through, and in that process, you have grief to go through, and you will be angry, you'll be in denial, you'll be frustrated, But then you have to move on and really see that what you are doing is being the hands of Jesus. And if you can just look to the Lord for your strength and just show up every day to do your job, his mercies are tender and new every morning, and you can do it. So much of this is work God is doing on us and I think every parent could agree with that that as we walk through these difficulties with our children, God is working on us, oftentimes in order that he might work on our children. But he's working on us first and foremost is using our children to get through to us. And you ever experienced that share, definitely. You know I'm going to be sixty years old next year. You can all help me celebrate. And I'm like, seriously, Lord, I do not want to learn more if he's good person, but yet he gently draws me, guides me, leads me. And I think that the most important thing that you can do as an adoptive parent is remember the pit of sin that the Lord pulled you out of and he set you on high ground. And you need to help your children go through that same experience. They carry so much baggage when they come into your home, even if they're a tiny little baby. And there are some families who really haven't had a lot of problems with their adopted children. They just have typical parent raising problems. But a lot of families just have no idea what it's really going to be like. And I hope that they'll read my book to go into this eyes wide open and then feel equipped that no matter what battle is before them, they have some strategies that they can help their children cope, they can help themselves cope, and they could just keep going every day. I think more than anything, like our faith turning, that is just do it every day. Follow the Lord every day, dedicate your day to him, seek him, follow him, obey him, you know, confess your sins before him and let him refresh you. I think that's the same thing that is going on with adopted to children as she raised them. Cherry, can you say it in your experience and adoption, there were ever any moments in which you were just utterly shocked and you saw it almost traumatized yourself, like the adoptions where you woke up to a reality that you had never expected. Yes, I definitely did that. And I think what a lot of people don't want to believe is that your precious, darling little children absolutely can have the worst of behaviors. They can be fire starters, they can exhibit sexual behavior, they can lie chronically, they can be evil in their heart, they can hurt people, and it just you just can't believe it. You think, Wow, we're a Christian family. I can't believe that this is happening, and I can't tell anybody because it's so embarrassing or horrifying. But you have to be able to surround yourself with a circle of trusted people in your life, your elders, at your church, your closest family and friends, and you have to be able to draw those people into a network of support around you, because it is horrifying sometimes what happens. And I know my biological Yes, He's sufficient to take care of you in parenting your children, no matter how sinful and you may be. He is faithful and he will provide for your children who are in your household because he knows that you seek and serve him daily. Sherry mcmanh is writ in the book Adoption, Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey, a gigantic four hundred page encouragements for tens of thousands, if not on hundred thousands of the doom five parents around the world. Friends. Check it out at generations dot org. So I made copies of of the introduction, the forward, and the table of contents. I wanted to actually just pass this around because this is Sherry McMahon m c m I I'll show you the book, but this this will have the title and the website. I have a couple of copies of it. If someone needs it now, I can get it to them. That there's also. Yeah, it is a it's a good sized book. It's one of those books you probably don't read cover to cover. It's one of those books that maybe you seventy two chapters. Yeah, eleven kids, Yeah, seven free kids. But one of the things that stood out to me is on the on the first page of your hand out there. This person he's a Level two of ACBC Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. He's a pastor with a doctor to ministry. But he says this, I've studied Christian psychology, counseling and theology, and college and graduate school, and in two seminaries I taught into Christian school for two years. I've been a pastor and Christian counselor for over thirty seven years. But Sheerry McMahon has taught me more about raising adopted children in this book than I learned in all those years of training. I only wish I had this book to guide me when my wife and I adopted our two boys now ages thirty and thirty three. Cherry may not have a formal doctoral degree, but she has definitely earned an honorary doctorate during her years of study and hands on training in the area of adoption. This book is jam packed with specific, practical, biblical help and understanding the ministry of raising adopted children. She's researched a ton of information in the adopted field, but she's also learned much by plain old trial and error. And then he says towards the bottom, there there were times when we felt like complete failures as parents because our expectations were not met. It would have been extremely helpful to have been warned ahead of time regarding these difficulties and to have the many helpful coping mechanisms that are shared in this book. And so if any of you need help getting this book just financially or whatever, we can help get those for you. But just I gave you the table of contents, they were twenty dollars each, so and we can help with those if needed. But just looking at some of the table contents, you'll see there's a lot of topics and things that are not given a lot of attention in other resources, and so again, maybe not all of these chapters would are what are pressing issues for you right now? But there's a lot of just practical information. I want to read what she said on expectations, just to give you a sample that from that chapter. It's called high Expectations. And what she does is each each chapter begins with a scripture verse. So this is Psalm one thirty eight eight. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me. Your mercy, O Lord endures forever. Do not forsake the works of your hands, Psalm one thirty eight eight. She says, I am and have always been, an overachieving, dominant personality with lofty goals and sky high expectations. It is who I am, what I do, and how I roll. My husband also, she goes on about him very similar traits. Yet, my adopted children have taught me many lessons regarding expectations and perfectionism, whether a genetic predisposition, early environment, or the shady lens of trauma. My adopted kids, and I would presume a majority of adopted children do not possess the aforementioned personality characteristics. Now granted, they may be complete control freaks because of a background of abuse, and neglect, but obeying their adoptive parents high expectations is typically not in their vocabulary or even in their language skill set. A conundrum I think we can safely assume is that adoptive parents, by their very nature, must have high expectations to go on this journey if they must be willing to accept far less as they raise their adopted children. And she goes on to talk about I've done this adoption thing long enough, and I'm gaining a realistic view of the battle. First, I see the wars with the enemy and not my child. Second, I know God is on my side, and I firmly believe that Jesus wins the overall war in the end. Third, I have finally come to the conclusion that if I can love each of my children each day, God will work out their education, their adult job career to support themselves, their future spouse and children, and their negative behaviors. God will work it out. He is the potter. I am not to keep things simple. My primary goals each day are food, clothing, shelter, and love. If I can achieve that we had a good day, I long ago gave up the idealistic sky high goals I had early in my parenting life model citizens excellent grades in school, scholarships to college, successful careers, and picture perfect And let me just read a little more from her. These are different expectations. There's still great expectations in wanting her children to know God. She talks about that. But looking back, what I wish I'd done differently from the beginning of our adoption journey was to love my children more and to be okay with their lack of ability to love me back In the same way, I wish I'd focus more on capturing their hearts instead of on their less than perfect behavior and the accompanying struggles and the worldly realms of school and community. Was it worth my fighting over the stolen food they hoarded in their room, which attracted infestations of mice? Maybe? Was it worth me constantly correcting them about their messy hair and lack of personal hygiene? Was it worth me getting angry over their lying, stealing, and manipulation. Was it worth my frustration when helping them with their schoolwork because they couldn't read, or sit still or pay attention. No, no, no, Each and every time I should have pointed them to Jesus Christ and his purpose will for them, not my expectations. I should have told them they were precious, trusted the Lord to change them. We do need to civilize all our children. We do need to correct and discipline them. We do need to keep them safe and teach them personal boundaries as we live together. And yes, in that sense, we should have expectations of them receiving an appropriate education, trying certain opportunities, and enjoying healthy relationships in our family and community. But most of all, we need to love them each day the way that they are, and we need to find out who they are and what they think, what they can't communicate, what they need, and grow our compassion for them. She says they are worth the time, the waiting, and the trusting God. And then at the end of the chapter, she has kind of like a just set of questions for you and your spouse to think about and talk about together. So how would you rate yourself and I won't ask this for you guys on a scale of one to ten regarding expectations and why do you think that is? When your spouse fails to meet your expectations, how do you respond? And then talking about together, how how does this help you think about the the next time. So helpful resource Again, if we can help you get those resources, please let me know. Our time's almost gone. I want to just close with a passage scripture. I meant to go here earlier, but Luke chapter nine, if you guys would turn there and if I could ask someone to read, just to kind of wrap this up. Luke ninety seven through forty eight, first one, they're just read it out. Yeah, So does she go on? Is saying what you do, You're to choose those battles because when you have every one of those battles all day. Yeah, so say look to Jesus when you're the ants in that. I mean, I'm sorry, the practical like that sounds beautiful, but that's not real life, right right? So is that what the next chapter is? You've got a whole relations I've got a couple of copies you'll you'll find it. Question. But there's a lot of practical suggestions of things she's learned by trial and error, and I think that particular chapter she's just looking back at her her thinking and her heart, but not negating the discipline aspect. Whether it's there's very specific things she goes into So, yeah, a good question. My other copies at home, so you can't ask another question you got Luke n But Jesus, knowing what they were thinking in their heart, took a child and just took him by his side and said to them, whoever receives his child and my name receives me, whoever receives me, who sees him? Who sent me? For the one who is leased among all of you, this is the one who's great. Yeah, So how does Jesus view our children based on that passage? Season is great? And when we receive a child into our home in the name of Jesus, what does that passage say we're actually doing and we're actually receiving him? I mean, does that change a little bit aware of thinking that this isn't just about this child, this is actually we're doing this for and to Christ and so that should help our our vision of what we're doing. What does Luke nine twenty three say, which also kind of ties in with this, Someone have Luke nine twenty three, just read it out if you have it. And he said to them all, if anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself and take up this cross day and follow them. So one of the guys I listened to together for Adoption of Conferences name with David Wooten, and he has a whole message and I'll actually we don't have the time to listen to it. Maybe I'll send you guys a link to it. But he talks about this concept of denying ourselves how that looks in terms of our expectations, because taking up our cross means what does that mean to take up your cross daily? What would that mean to the first century people to take up across? Are you ready to die? Yeah, it means you're dying that day when you see a guy holding across. This isn't just bearing carrying some suffering. This is actually dying to self, dying to our desires, dying to our dreams and expectations. And the disciples had a hard time with it because they had other expectations of what he was going to be like following Jesus, and they were crushed when their dreams seemed to have died with Jesus and his path was a different path. So I want to I want to just play, just give you a little taste of this, and then I'll send you the whole link to it on our maybe an email this week, but this is by David Wooten. He does a whole seminar on on adjusting our our expectations. And I'll just play a couple of minutes of this and then we'll we'll let me wrap up for him. And as I wrestled with the Lord, I realized that I have to come to the point if I'm going to be a christ follower, I've got to come to the point where I'm willing to abandon my agenda. My agenda was to be an empty nester since our family, and I thought, you know what, our family is such a fun place. She's gonna come in here and be lavished by our love, and her heart and mind would just be flooded with peace and tranquility, and this is exactly what she needs. And we would just be holding hands and running through fields of poppies. And so what I didn't realize was that in her mind, the best way she could cause dered herself safe when she got afraid, but when she got angry was to run. She's a runner, and after she'd been in our home for a few a few months, she ran away. Of course, we went into a panic. We didn't know what to do. We called the police and and so you know, three times they used K nine units to find her U And so my expectation that we're going to be holding hands and running through fields of poppies, we were running through fields, but they were police helicopters enter it so wasn't what I expected. Uh. The solution tedisco, arrol and peace and tranquility, because all of a sudden she's in our wonderful, loving home and that's filled with love and laughter. And I had to embrace the cross. I had to die to what my expectations were. And we all have expectations in the adoption process. Maybe you have an expectation on what how long it should take, and then when it takes longer than that, you get frustrated. You have noa's in the art and know in the art, and so you know, it may be that the expectation is that my child's going to be so grateful and thankful for this active rescue that's happened on their behalf, or that even the expectation that my child is going to love me. When we first adopted our daughter, her attachment was very, very distant towards my wife, and it was a little closer with me, and yet I realized now that some of that was manipulation to kind of you know, if she could show that she was tight with me and not with my wife, that would be another way to kind of push my wife away. And so we you know, learned some of those things that were having some manipulation that was happening, and that kind of stuff. One expectation is that your journey is going to be the same as other friends that you have that are adopting, and it seems like theirs went smooth, and you expect yours to go smooth, and doesn't always go smooth, and we have to die to that expectation. It may be that the expectation that this adoptive child, once this adoptive child comes into our family, is going to pretty much fit in and be like my bio kids were, and that's an expectation that we have to die to. It may be that I have the expectation that the information that this country is going to provide for me on my child, the medical information, the social information, the background information on this child is going to be complete and accurate, and you get to the country and you find out who they're more needs if you were told, and you might blame the adoption agency, but the adoption age you may not have known either, and you may blame the orphanage, and the orphanage may not have known everything that was involved in that as well. And so the expectation that you're going to get a full report, it's going to be complete and accurate, may be an unrealistic expectation. The expectation that developmentally they're going to be at the level that should be based on their age. You're adopting a seven year old, but she may be adopting someone who chronologicallayer or developmentally is at a four year old level or a three year old level, and so you're wrestling through those kind of issues when the child comes up. What I'm saying is to be a Christ's follower and adoption it means we deny ourselves and we take up our cross. And taking up our cross means we die to things, including our expectations. And I had expectations that I that I had to die too. I just thought all of this girl needs is a loving family. And then the third thing that has helped me in adjusting my expectations to reality is to follow Christ. And I think what that means is to conform our thinking and our living to the image of Christ. To love her as Christ loves. Even though it's been the hardest thing I've ever done in a Christian life, it really is, it really is, hear me, It really is the greatest, sweetest thing I've ever done in my Christian life. God has taught me so much about himself through my daughter. God has talked me so much about me and my own heart through my daughter. And God has built a family of support and network around us that through the pain and suffering we've been through and the difficulties we've been through with her, had met our hearts together with some friends that we wouldn't have had otherwise. And God has been good in these hard providences. And if I could rewind and go back and shop from my empty nest car and plan all that where there are no kids in the house anymore, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. This has been too good. It's been hard, but it's been too good. I understand a little bit more. And you can tell by my testimony that I'm far from where I need to be. But I'm understanding a little bit more of the Father. There's a lot more I'd like to share. There are times up, but that is David Wooton. He's involved with Lifeline Children's Services. It's an adoption support ministry. So I'll I'll send out the link to that for you guys during the week. That. Yeah, the vote block and line where he's talking with it. What's the name of that one of the with his kids? He was not with his kids or is it actually like in the church the background? Yeah, that was part of the Rooted series. So both of those clips were from the Rooted series. Yeah, in the video one and then started a video two. So let me let me for the sake of time, pray and then we can family. Father, We as we think of your word, as we think of these weighty things, Lord, we thank you for your grace. We thank you for your goodness. Is my brother just spoke of and and uh, Lord, I just asked that your your grace and your goodness and this would encourage your people. And Lord, we are on this journey. Others have gone before us that we can learn from, But Lord, we most of all need to learn from you. And learn your heart. And Lord, I just pray that you would help us to do that and to humbly continually seek your wisdom and to guard our hearts and to grow and grace. I just thank you for this family, this church family, and these families that you have brought here. And I just asked that you would bless us this week. And as we go now to the big Family of Christ to worship, we pray you bless that in Jesus name, Amen.