Stephanie Ike Okafor - Who Is A Godly Husband: Before I Do

Welcome back to before I do a biblical blueprint for love and marriage. Now, I saw some comments and there were people who told me name it before and after I do. So I recognize that there are married couples who are also tuned in, and so I'm going to say a big welcome to everybody. Now, if this is your first time tuning in, I encourage you to watch the entire series. And you know, especially in the context of marriage, but even in life in general, what you know matters right. What you know can be the difference between failing and succeeding at a thing. And so when we talk about marriage, what you know about the standard of God, the ways of God, and who God has called us to be as a husband, as a wife, what marriage and bodies it is so pivotal to you know, thriving in your marriage because one of the things we talked about is that marriage is a God ordained institution. It did not start with us. It is His idea right and to what you know matters now. In the series so far, we have discussed what is marriage, the purpose of marriage, understanding love and marriage, and today we're going to be talking about who is a godly husband, now as we're going to dive in. First of all, let me just lay a foundation for who is a husband right before we get into who is a godly husband? Very simple, right, But a husband is a man who enters into a legally or culturally recognized union with a woman out of mutual love, commitment, and a desire to build a life together. Right. Why this is so important is you might be listening to this series and you're like, well, you know, my husband is not a godly husband. I think I made a mistake. No, no, no, no no. A husband is a man who entered into a legally or culturally recognized union. You both, at a point in time, made declaration to each other, made vows to each other. You made a commitment to each other right to build a home together. God recognizes that right and God is for that. Okay, we're gonna talk more about this even as we continue in the series. But you have to own this because look, let's go to Ephesians five twenty two. It says wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. You know what it did not say. It did not say submit to your biblical husband, submit to your godly husband, submit to your Jesus following husband. Submit to your Bible reading husband, Submit to your righteous husband. No, it says wives submit to your own husbands as unto the Lord. God respects order. And we're gonna really dig into this. But if you're married and you feel as though your husband does not embody these qualities, pray for him. You know, if he's willing to watch this series like this together, you know, get resources into your life that will educate you on the word of God Pertannian marriage. But you don't submit to a man because he's righteous, because he's godly, because X, Y, and Z. You submit to him because that's the man that you married and you made vows before the Lord. Right. And so if you're not married, this will also help you to recognize why it's important to not rush right. It's not just feelings. You need to know how the man thinks. There are questions you need to ask. Don't just be focused on our honeymoon destination. Where are we gonna go after we get married? Know what how he thinks? Right? Is he a man that can lead? Is he you know? What kind of does he love? What kind of man is he? How does he see? You know whether his views pertaining you know who God calls a man to be a husband, To be a godly husband, to be you need to get into his head, right, learn how he thinks, not just how he looks, not just what he buys for you, learn how he thinks. And that would also be a way to recognize is this someone that can do life with? But let's get into it right. So I'm gonna talk about five roles of a godly husband. Number one, he is a leader. Ephesians five twenty three says for the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church, and he is the savior of the body. Now let's let's really break this down right. The man being a leader is not just to have like this unlimited access to a trump card. Right. What is a trump card? Is something that gives you advantage over another person. That's not what it's about. It's been abused unfortunately, where the man just says, you know what, I'm I'm the head, I have the final say. It's not just about you have you have the final say. You know you have rights to the final say. But this is not what it's about because it's not also about manipulation or abuse of your spouse by saying I am the head. No, being the leader is a posture of service, right. It is to be responsible and a good steward or manager over what God has entrusted you with in the context of your family. If you go back to Genesis, you realize that the Lord is the one who brought Eve to Adam. The Lord is entrusting you with that woman. That's why she's submitted to you. She's vulnerable to your leadership. He's entrusting you with your family, with your children, and so being the head is to be a good steward, a good manager of what the Lord has entrusted to you. You see, Biblically, there's a term known as husbandman and some translations will refer to it as vine dresser. You should study. This is in John fifteen, verse one, and this is actually teaking about God the Father. But that translates to a farmer. Now, who is a farmer? A farmer is responsible for managing agricultural activities to produce crops and livestock. Right. The keyword there is that he is responsible for managing. To husband is to manage. Literally, the term husband is to manage something well. Your role as a leader is to be a good manager of your home. It's about service, not mistreatment. Right. Let's look at Mark ten, verse forty five. It says, for even the son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. This is so critical because Jesus is the model for the husband. It says, husbands, love your wife as Christ love the Church, that he gave his life for her. Right. So this is about service. So when we talk about leadership, a husband leads by how he loves. He leads by example. He doesn't love from a feeling. He chooses to be love, right, he chooses. The Bible gives us a context of what love is. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not self seeking. Right, So there are all these layers to love. So he embodies this towards his wife. Now, when a husband is coming from the posture of being patient, when a husband is coming from the posture of not being self seeking, right, he aims to serve his family, He aims to see the well being of his family. Then you recognize why him having the last say is not abuse. It's not a trump card. He's looking at it from a three sixty perspective. Okay, this is not just about me, This is about the well being of my family. Right, I'm not being there's a word I'm looking for. I'm not being. You know, when a person just does a thing without even thinking. You know, it's not like he's being impulsive, right, He's not being impulsive with his ways. He's not trying to mistreat you and say, no, you're gonna listen to me because I'm the head of this household. No, he embodies love. So his ability to be a good manager is how he loves his home, how he loves his wife. And so from that place he leads. He leads as a servant, right, he leads as a follower of Jesus, right, And so that when we talk about leadership, it is that place. First of all, you recognize that for the man to be a good leader, he's a good follower. But he's a good follower to the one who is his head, Christ. So this is not for the men listening to this being the head of the household. It's not abuse, it's not mistreatment, it's not be quiet. This is it, and that's final. It's not that now as a disclaimer, even when you're doing it from a posture of love your wife. Your wife may not always agree, but how you handle it matters. Right. This is not to say that she needs to be an agreement or x Y and z. No, how you handle it matters. Your posture towards your home matters. The intent behind your decision making is what God is watching. It's not just that, Okay, your wife agreed or she disagreed, or there was an argument or x Y and z. It's about the intent. Is the intent coming from a place of service, or it's coming from a place of mistreatment? Right, this matters before God. And here is why. Because if it didn't matter to God, then he will not care about abuse the home. But look at first Peter three seven. It says likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weak of vessel, since they are here's with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Now, in the previous series, we've talked about what it means for the woman to be a week of vessel. But look at this. In other words, the Lord is saying your inability to honor your wife could cause your prayers to be hindered. Well, not the Lord is not the one speaking. But the revelation here right about how God sees marriage is showing us that dishonor would literally cause God to shut his ears to the prayers of the man. God cares about the heart posture through which you lead your home right now, Also for the man, being a leader is also spiritual. You have been entrusted by God regarding your wife and your family, and you're a call to lead in a spiritual sense. You see, have you ever noticed when you look at the pattern of God when it comes to accountability in a home, He doesn't call the wife. He calls the man. When Adam and Eve fell, who was engaging in conversation with Saying or with the serpent? Rather, who was influenced by the enemy? Eve who took the first bite Eve? And then she gave it to Adam and Adam had some food. But who did God call first when it came to accountability Adam? He didn't even say Adam and Eve. He says, Adam, where are you accountability? I entrusted you with this family and you have let it slip? Out of your hands. You have mismanaged your position spiritually as the man. So even in Deuteronomy five nine, look at what it says, you shall not buy down to them nor serve them. Right, this is God talking about other gods and idols and all these things. For I the Lord, your God, I'm a jealous God visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me. Even when we talk about generational curses and things like that, do you know the lineage it falls through the fathers. Why didn't God say, you know, the iniquity of the parents, or the iniquity of the father and mother? Right? He specifically says the fathers. A man has a spiritual responsibility for his home. If you study how God deals with families, when it comes down to who he holds responsible and accountable of what happens in the home, it's the man. It's about God's order right now. This is not to scare you if you're trying to get married or you're in a marriage, that do I have to be a pastor to be a husband. It's not that. But you have to be submitted to Jesus you have to be a student of the word. Right. If you're still growing in your knowledge of the world, get you know, rooted in a good local church right where you and your family can grow in the faith. Be a student of God's word because you have a responsibility to your home spiritually. Right. Your accuracy as a leader is connected to your accuracy as a follower of Jesus. So you are not just a leader just to say you're a leader. Your accuracy talking about being accurate before God. Your accuracy as a leader of your home is connected to your accuracy as a follower of Jesus Christ. Right. And so there's so many layers into this. It goes beyond just being the man of the house. It's much deeper. Number two, A godly husband is a learner one Peter three seven. It says, likewise, husbands, we just read this, We'll read this again. Leave with your wives in an understanding way, right, Live with them with understanding. What is it talking about gay knowledge? Right? Learn your wife, don't compare her. Learn don't compare. This is very critical because sometimes you you know, a man might expect the woman to think like him, to process like him, to receive love. The way he gives love. So when she says I don't feel loved, I don't feel seen, you're confused and you start telling her all the things you've done for her, not realizing she's not receiving it the way you're giving it. And so in order for you to live with your wife in a you know, in a cool, happy, joyful environment, learn her understand her right. And there's a wisdom that has been given to many, even through books like the Five Love Languages. When last you know, for those who are married, and when you know, for those getting married, ask your spouse, Hey, what are your love languages? How do you receive love? And for I'm telling you, almost ninety nine percent of the time, men realize that they were wrong in how they thought their wife received love because they're thinking, the way I give it is how you receive it, you know, because for a man he's like, oh, we hang out all the time, like I'm with you all the time. This should show that I love you, right, or even when you when you think about sex, right, you know, for the man that he could be the way he's thinking that, she's like, oh my god, she should know how much I love her In this moment, and for her there's something else that she wants. But communication is key when you make room for it, right, And so ask your spouse, how do you receive love? What are your love languages? Even when it comes to you know, even sexually, find out from them what do you like? What do you enjoy? Right? Because listen, if you're listening to this, we're grown, okay, and if you're not grown, you're gonna be grown one day. It's not just about get into a finish line, right, It's not just about a climax. There are things that you want to learn about your spouse, and so be a learner. Live with your wives in an understanding way. God did not create the man and woman to process the same. Women tend to be more emotional, right, and men tend to be more bottom line, But find out learn them because when you learn them, it will deepen the bond. Now, what I am not saying is that this is an excuse for toxic behavior. No, I'm not saying that you should just you know, applaud your wife when she's doing things in a toxic way. But you can learn the trauma that was at the root of that behavior. And when you learn find out babe, why do you act like? Is there something that happened? You know? And the Lord will give you wisdom on how to approach this topic without her, you know, coming off defensive right, but your heart posture should be what should be a desire not to just change her overnight because that it doesn't it doesn't happen that way, but to learn why does she do it this way? So when you have conversations with her to say, man, Babe, I've noticed this pattern, you know, was there something that happened that triggered it? Or are there are they things that I do that might be triggers? And why is that a trigger? Learn what is the trauma behind it? Because remember you are not fighting your spouse, you are fighting whatever is against the union. So if the if there's trauma that is causing you know, you know, a toxic toxic patterns the home. The trauma is what you're fighting against as a union. So when you discover what happened, now you're more equipped in how to best serve your wife. Is it therapy, is it pastor or counseling? What are areas that you can serve her for her to grow and flourish and break the stronghold of that trauma. Right now. Number three, A godly husband is a loyal partner. Right Hebrews thirteen fourth, Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterus. Now, you can't honor your marriage while making excuses for dishonorable behavior, right you see, For example, there are some men who believe that there's nothing wrong with being friends with their exes. They have a you know, they feel confident in like, no, that was in the past, X, Y and Z. But here is what you have to understand. Boundaries are not because you don't trust yourself. Right. It's not that you put boundaries because you feel you have feelings for your ex For example, non't boundaries are to protect you from crossing a line as a default response when the lesser you shows up? What do I mean by that? When do you who just had an argument with your wife shows up? When do you you know marriage is real? Your wife maybe she's you know, she's pregnant and she's just in a space where she Pregnancy can can bring out very interesting things in women. Right, You might be horny and she's just not willing when a lesser you shows up, when a you that is triggered by situation where your desire is not being met, if you don't have boundaries in place, then your default response would be to cross the line. So now, when you had an argument with your wife, for example, and you're upset and you're this now you're texting your ex and you even though you feel like you don't have feelings, you have no clue what's on the other side of that phone where she's feeling, and the manipulation that can take place, right, and so you place boundaries not for when you're strong, you have boundaries for when you're weak. So it's consistent that you don't default to a behavior that could cross the line. You see, something I've learned is that sexual immorality it's often the fruit of a lack of physical and mental boundaries. Where there is no boundaries. That's why people are like, oh, it was a mistake. I didn't mean it. I didn't did da da da dad? How was it? There was no gun to your head, you know how it was a mistake. You had no boundaries. If you're right now and you're you know you're dating someone who you consider to marry, and you're still flirting with all kinds of women that many people in your life do not know. You're in a relationship. You're not serious. You have no boundaries, and that behavior is gonna show up in your marriage. If you have an issue when your girlfriend or your fiance tells you that they are not comfortable with you being close to your ex, you're not ready because there's sacrifice involved to protect your home, to protect the purity of your home. If you're gonna be loyal, your loyalty is not based on you when you're strong. Loyalty is revealed when you're weak, and you have no clue the you that will show up when you're weak. You have no clue the version of you that will show up when the woman your head over heels you know in love with annoys you to a point that you and you don't even want to be around her. If you have no boundaries, that's when the enemy slides in right, and so have boundaries to protect the purity of your union. Number four. He's a provider one, Timothy five eighth says, But if anyone does not provide for his own especially for those of his household. He has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. That's strong. That is strong. Now, I would say this as a disclaimer, right, there are different dynamics when it comes to family, especially you know, cultural contexts and where you live and things like that. If you live in the United States, for instance, you know, like I'm Nigerian. You know, having a maid and a nanny Nigeria is you know, very very affordable having that in America not so much so. There are situations where in marriages, the man, let's say, for example, the woman is earning higher than the man, right, and her income is able to sustain the family rather than you know, him using his salary for like a nanny or things like that. He might decide to be a stay at home dad, but there's understanding in the home. He's not doing it from a place of laziness, right, it's based it's from a place of strategy. Okay, a parent gets to be hands on with the kids, right, and we can work out our finances. We have a structure, we have a system in place. That's beautiful. There's also situations where the man has sacrificed for years for his family and he wants to pursue a dream in his heart, and they're financially stable enough for that, you know, for him to do that where he's not working and he's just investing into this goal or this dream of his that's not what we're talking about. What we're speaking about is a man who chooses to be idle, who chooses to be lazy, and the consequence is his family experience in lack. That is a problem. And what the Bible says concern in such a person is that you are worse than an unbeliever. That is a problem. And you see, you can't even make the excuse. You know, I have this dream, I have this goal, I have this You can dream and earn. You can be a creative and earn. And one of the problems that I think men have when it comes to ego and pride, right, because your dream, your your vision, it's it's gonna work, you know, especially if you have strategy and you you really have thought, and you're you're really working, you're working hard at it, it will work. But for a season, you you might need to take on a job that is beneath you if it will provide for your family. Right. The job may be during the weekends, it may be a nighttime, it may be daytime something. It doesn't mean that because your wife may be bringing in incombus. She needs help, and the help that she needs a little goes a long way. It may even be a weekend job, but a little goes a long way. And here is the lie of the enemy. The lie of the enemy is that to take a job that is beneath your standards, beneath your your intelligence, beneath your experiences, diminishes who you are as a man. But here's the truth of the Holy Spirit. It strengthens who you are as a husband. It's not diminishing you. It strengthens your position as a husband. Your wife cannot be breaking her back and you're doing nothing to help. Because you're creative or your dreamer. You can do that and earn right, you can get you can you can strategize, use that creative ability and think, you know, think through some things that would bring income. It doesn't mean it has to be you know, grand, but it's helping the home. That's what this is about. This is not about the man being you know, having the highest income of the home. Know, it's that he is a provider. He can provide on some level for his home right, and the goal for the man should not be to stay at just any level. You should have a vision in play. You should have a vision in mind. You should have a strategy in mind of to see your family being taken care of. That is why the Bible talks about a good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children generational wealth. Right. So while you're in a season, and it's seasons, let me encourage you for the men who are just trying to get things together. It's gonna be a season. That dream got put in your heart will happen. That idea God gave you will happen if you put your if you work it right, don't be idle, don't get lazy, don't get comfortable with you know your woman taking care of you. No, contribute, work at what you're you know, work at the thing isn't that's in your heart. But contribute in some capacity, right, doesn't have to be much, but contribute while you work out the vision. Now number five, he is a protector. Ephesians five twenty eight says, so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Now, I would say this if you have ever laid hands on your wife, or you've ever laid hands on a woman that you love. I understand that sometimes women can just you know, they can nag at you, and they can get on your nerves. But if you've ever laid hands on your wife, she is not the problem. You are. Because it says he who loves his wife loves himself. To lay hands on your wife is a reflection of your self hate. You can walk out of the room, you can disconnect yourself from the situation, but to lay hands on her, you are the problem and you need help. If you recognize that you are dealing with self hate, do not rush to get married because you're setting up a woman to be abused. If you are dealing with self hate, you can't stand the things you do. You create size yourself in. I mean like you are your Everybody would say I'm my own worst critic, but you really beat yourself down right like you just as plains and simple. You hate yourself. There are many things about you that you always like. You're always constantly in this place of guilt and in this box of shame. Get help. Maybe you need to go through therapy, Maybe you need to talk to your pastor maybe you need to, you know, open up and talk to some men who you can be accountable with, who can sharpen you, who can who you can be vulnerable with and transparent with. Do not do that to a woman because you might say, no, you know, I've never touched a woman before. If you hate yourself, it's gonna show in your marriage. It's going to show in your marriage. A man who lays hands on his woman, a man who mistreats his wife, actually is the evidence of self hate. Take time to work on you, heal what was broken. It's not that you have to be perfect to get married, but this is a serious thing. If you hate yourself, heal before you get into a marriage. And if you're already in a marriage and your blind spot is to think that the woman is the problem, let me tell you right now, you are the problem, no matter how she talks to you, no matter what she did to you. To touch your wife. That's why the Bible was very specific in this. It says, love your own wives as your own body's body. He who loves his wife loves himself. You cannot touch her and say, oh, you're a good man. She just annoyed you. No, you actually you don't really like yourself. And that's not to shame or condemn, you know. It's the awareness brings healing. If you're aware that there is something deep down in me that is deeply broken and wounded, then you would work on fixing that and not blame shifting. All right. Now, what I didn't say, and everything I've been teaching on is for both for the men to recognize who a godly husband is and for the women to recognize who a godly husband is. For the women who are listening, what doesn't define a godly husband. Number One is his height. Okay, let's give it plain and simple. Okay. Culture has us messed up. Now, I know my husband is tall, Okay, but there was a time in my life I said, Lord, Now, first of all, i'm tall. Okay, So it's just the math. We just have to, you know, make the math work. Okay, I'm tall at least I was like, okay, Lord, maybe you know same high, little bit taller. But then I will see where a woman who is five two talking about he got to be he's six feet girl, you five two. Here's why I'm sharing this. So often women women cannot even have a conviction of who their husbands are because they can't even see them. They have ruled them out of their minds because, oh, he's not six four or six'. Five why because culture has given us this idea that what makes a man an eligible bachelor, has you, know is his height and a certain income earning. Range that's not what the scripture. Says being a provider does not mean that he has to have six figures right, now or he has to have seven figures right. Now. Right the man may have, vision he may have things that he's working on that will see that vision. Manifested, Right so if you box him into this cultural idea of who a husband, is that man will come and pass you because you will not even recognize. Him and so The bible does not talk about How The bible does not talk about a percentage of what he should be earning or where he should be at in his. Income The bible does not say. That and so my prayer for single women who are listening to this is For god to remove the veil of deception from our, eyes right or from your, Eyes i'm not a single child from your eyes for the single. Women and this is so important Because i'm telling YOU i have seen and apart from you, know people THAT i, counsel close friends of, MINE i have seen situations where the very, men they were, like oh, no he's not, this he doesn't fit this whatever this. List years passed, by they want to circle back to those. Men they're, like, man what WAS i? Thinking he's actually, amazing he's good, looking he's getting his life, Together he's the da da da. Da you. Know some may, say, oh, no she's just being. Desperate, no there's Now sometimes a woman can be you, know desperate or, whatever but sometimes the lack of options becomes a thing that opens your. Eyes you're, like hold, UP i literally walked away from a lot of eligible. People and so WHAT i want to encourage you, is, look you have to be attracted to your spouse and all of, that but really ask yourself deep down the things THAT i, have you, know on this internal or External some people have a, list, right what motivated? It is that really coming? From what makes me attracted to a person or is that me trying to fit into the, cultural you, know concept of who a husband should be. Right so that's that for single. Men if you feel as though you don't want to get married until you hit a certain number, financially let me encourage. You if you meet a woman who is willing to grow with, you who understands and supports the vision that you're, after do not allow where you are in your financial bracket to limit you from moving forward with that. Woman because here is the. Issue what you may not realize is your decision to Say i'm not going to get married UNTIL i hit this financial. Goal you become the prize in marriage because now it's, about, OH i hit my, goals this is What i'm bringing to the. Table you become your own, prize and you're most likely not to cherish and honor your wife in the way that you. Should you're most likely you're not going to sacrifice the way that you should because you see yourself as the prize in. Marriage you see yourself as the one who hit all these, goals hit all the check, marks because you're thinking that the reason subcome, subconsciously the reason she married you is because of where you were. Financially so now you're looking at her to make all the, sacrifices and it's not a recipe for a healthy, marriage, right and so don't let that hold you. Back. Now WHAT i want to say as we wrap up is that marriage is a beautiful. Thing there is a work it does in, you and it is not you, know sometimes people think, Like i'm going to get married WHEN i have get you, know do all the fun THINGS i want to. Do marriage is, fun it's. Amazing it's a beautiful. Thing what it does in you is, pruning not. Punishment it's. Pruning being able to, sacrifice being able to lay things, down being able to be selfless is actually the image in Which god created. You but life and distractions and deception has caused us to embrace an identity that is so far from our. Truth and so in, marriage there is a pruning that happens that brings you into a healthier and a fruitful. You so marriage is a beautiful. Thing the work that it does in you is for, you for your good, right it's for. You up, next we're gonna be talking about who is a godly wife and so, yes you, know we talked about the, men and we're going to talk about the. Women in the, meantime if this. Message blessed. You THEN i encourage you to, share to. COMMENT i want to hear from you and subscribe to our. CHILD i want to pray with you before we, close and So Heavenly, FATHER i just thank you for, this you, know this. CONVERSATION i thank you for the truth in your. Word AND i, Pray Lord, god that you would remove the. Veil that if there is anything causing the eyes of your sons and daughters to not see their, spouses remove the. Veil AND i thank you for the men who are tuned into, This Lord, god that they would know that by your, grace it is possible that as they submit to, you it is possible to live out and be a godly. Husband In jesus', Name, Amen, amen