Stephanie Ike Okafor - Understanding Love in Marriage

Hey, y'all, we are back on Wick three of Before I Do, and today we're gonna be talking about understanding love in marriage. I think when it comes to dating and relationships and certainly marriage, there is this reduced idea that love is a feeling, right, and love is many things in marriage, but this feeling is the least of it, right. And so you know, first of all, just to recap if you watch, if you didn't watch part two, we talked about the purpose of marriage, and we talked about how the purpose of marriage is companionship, oneness, crucifixion, and godly offspring. I encourage you to watch it because we talked about how marriage, the purpose of marriage is not happiness. But happiness is an outcome in a healthy marriage, but that is not the purpose. So now as we talk about the types of love and your meanings to have a better understanding of love and marriage, especially from a biblical standpoint, right now, this is really important because marriage, in marriage, there are many dimensions of love that is expressed. Right. My pastor will talk about how marriage is like a house, and there are different rooms in that house. You know, you might spend time here, spend time there at different times. But what I also love about this analogy of a house is that every house has a foundation. The foundation, a good foundation is the strength and stability of a home. Right and in the same way, when we talk about love in marriage, there is a foundational love that really establishes a home. It is the safety and stability of a home, and biblically, that is called agapay love. Right. Uga pay love is foundational love. It is the love that God commanded us to have with one another, and it is empowered by His Holy Spirit. It's not a command like a robotic thing. Love this person and love this person. No, no, no, it is empowered by the Holy Spirit. Because uga pay love is unconditional love. It is the love we see in John three point sixteen. It says, for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. You see, unconditional means there are no conditions to my love for you. When Jesus died on the cross, he did not die with a guarantee that we would believe in him. No, it was for you. It was for us, not him. The Bible says by his stripes, we are healed. He took on the beating for our healing. Right. He did not have a guarantee, but that if we followed him, we would have victory, we would have authority in his name right, that we would have eternal life if we choose to follow him. It was an if, not a when. That is unconditional condition is when I do this, because you're gonna do this right, unconditional list. I'm doing this and this is for you, right if at any point, Hey, this is for you, right, and so aga pay. Love is the foundational love. First, we're gonna just run through each one and then we're gonna really dissect it, right, and so you have to walk in this. This is how God commands us to love one another unconditionally. Then there is filale love. Right. This is the love of friends or siblings. Now it's not romantic in nature, but phileyal love is marked by devotion, right, It's marked by loyalty and devotion to one another. This is the love we see in Romance twelve ten. It says, be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Outdo yourselves in honoring one another. This love involves trust, companionship, and shared interest philal love. But the third one we're gonna discuss, and the final one before we really go into it, is romantic love. Now, if you've ever tried to study on love and different types of love, you may be familiar when people will say ers right, ras love. But I don't call it aras love because when I did some research, the word errors is not found in the Bible. Right, there's no translation that goes to ras. Aras actually originates and is derived from ancient Greek concept of love. Right, there was a god named Eras, the god of love and sexual desire. So we're not doing that. We're not gonna call it eras. We're gonna call it romantic love. This involves sexual passion, physical attraction, and desire for one another. Right, And so while there's no official phrase in the Bible for this, we see this. We see something like this In Song of Solomon eight seven, it says many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown in. One of the translations for love in that scripture is sexual desire. Right, and sexual desire in marriage is healthy. Right, It is a healthy thing. You should want to look at your spouse and think of this as your next meal. Okay, it is a healthy thing in marriage, and we're gonna talk about that, right, So I want to now we've laid the foundation, I want to talk about the significance of these three types of love when it comes to marriage. Now, starting with Aga pay love, some key things I want you to understand. This forms the bedrock of a healthy marriage. It gives stability, It allows for endurance. Now you know in Part one and actually really more even in part two when we talk about crucifixion, you know you dying in marriage. AGA pay love allows for this. Without Aga pay love, it is impossible for two to become one because it's about serving one another. It's about putting the other's interest before your own right. It is through Aga pay love, like when I talked about, you don't fight each other. You fight what's against the marriage. We see this in Jesus when Jesus died on the cross, right, Jesus never went to war against humanity. He went to war against what was at war with humanity. Because he was coming back, he said like he was for his bride. Right, the church is his bride. You are his bride. But there was something at war against that oneness, against us, following him, against us, laying our lives for him. So he didn't go to war against you, because if he went to war against you, he would have just shut this whole thing down right when the flood happened, that one time with Noah would have been part of that flood. He did not go to war against you. He won the war against what is against you. So on the Cross, that's why the Bible gives us different scriptures that gives us inst of what happened on the Cross. It says he made a spectacle of principalities and powers. He put them to shame. He took captivity captive, he went after what was after you. This is aga pay love allows for this aga pay love allows you to realize that you are not fighting each other. You are fighting what's against your oneness. You are fighting what's against your union. Because let me tell you this, and I said this earlier as well, in you know, earlier in the series. In marriage, there's a proximity you have to your spouse. Marriage is microscopic in nature. You're going to see things about your spouse that you are not going to like and they're gonna see things about you that they're not going to like. Right, you don't know what it's like to be married to you, and so before you hoped now as before I say this, there's a disclaimer. I recognize there are certain situations that are extremely toxic, right, I recognize that there are some things that are just I mean, you know, crazy that you need to separate from and figure out if this can work out. And you know X Y and Z. I understand that. But what I'm saying is that there is a cultural trend happening where we are so quick to label things and label people. We see people through their labels. We want to call people controlling, manipulative, x Y and Z. But when you don't realize that, what if your husband or your wife sees you the same way. You don't know what it's like to be with you, And you cannot allow or think that your friends give you the best mirror of yourself because they're not one with you. Your spouse is one with you. They have one of the most accurate mirrors to show you who you really are. You cannot expect your spouse to see you the way your friends see you. Your spouse has a more detailed and visual insights on who you really are. And it's a beautiful thing. Don't look at it as a negative thing because God uses that to shape and mold you. God uses that to break off the things that are against you. God uses that to reveal areas that you did not even know. You need to surrender to him, right. But it's aga pay love that allows you to see beyond the dysfunction in a person and say, I'm not at war with the person. I'm at war with what's at war with my spouse. I'm at war with this dysfunction. I'm at war with their trauma. I'm at war with what violated them to cause them to be this way. I'm at war with that. When Jesus came for humanity, he did not come to wipe you out. He was at war with what caused you to be dysfunctional. He was at war with what caused you to be blind. He was at war with the things that were warring against you. And this is why marriage is for the mature. You don't just get marriages because you just hype on chemicals. Right, Because when you meet a person, you like a person, you have a lot of chemicals just going through your body. You know, you get excited and doorphins and all kinds of things are going through your body. That's not you. You. There's a level of maturity that is needed because no one is perfect. You are not perfect. How do you expect your spouse to be perfect? There are things there's as much as you know a person can be ready for marriage, there is still baggage they come to the table with I came with baggage. Okay, everybody comes with baggage. And you have to realize you're not at war with your spouse. You are at war with what has been warring against your spouse. So there are three key things you must understand. Be strengthened through prayer, pray for your spouse, and brace being a person who would pray for their spouse because there are certain things that your words may not convict them of, but the Holy Spirit knows how to convict them of those things. Your words may just sound like noise to them when you're telling them, hey, you should do this, or you don't, you should do this better. It might just sound like noise because it's actually a trigger. It's triggering them. It reminds them of everyone else who told them to do this or that doesn't make them a bad person. Pray for them because then the Holy Spirit can bring that same revelation to them. And all of a sudden they're like, oh, my god, right, I don't know if y'all have seen Martin the show, Oh my goodness, if you know, you know, right. But they come to you and they're like, man, babe, this one thing you told me, Like I was in prayer and the Lord showed me this and that marriage is a journey. You have to have endurance. You need uga pay love because something that you saw in your want may not change until year four. It's not gonna be instant. They have been dealing with that thing for years and years of their lives, decades maybe, and you just met them and you want them to change in six months. You have to have patience, you have to have endurance. You have to want the best for them, right, and so pray for them. Number Two, renew your mind through the world of God. Study you cannot be there are certain things that when it comes into your life and just live like the average Christian your prayer life even right now, what constitutes of your spirituality cannot just be church on Sunday. You have to have a robust spiritual life and devotion to God. Right, we renew our mind through the Word of God. When you read the scriptures, the scriptures read you, it begins to expose what is in your heart. Right. And so even as a couple before getting married, embrace the idea of studying. You don't have to study the Word together. If that's not you'll staying or whatever. But talk about the Word together when you read something, be like, man, babe, you know I read this even in the dating phase. Do that, right, It's healthy. So renew your mind through the Word of God. And number three, grow through healthy marriage community. Now, marriage does not stop you from having single friends. Okay, of your watching this and you're single and you have married friends and you're learning from them. It does not stop you from having single friends. But you also need healthy married couples in your life. And if you can find an older couple, get close to them, an older, healthy married couple, let them in. And why is this important? Because some things you think are rare are actually common. Some things you think are oh my gosh, I don't know how to deal with this, are actually common and it's not that big of a deal. You might just be selfish, right, it's not that serious. You might just be seeing it wrong. It's not that serious. Maybe you just don't understand men. You might not understand women. It's not that deep. Right, If you are in your own world or you're talking to people that don't fully understand the weight of it, then you can be you know, stirding the wrong. So have healthy married couples around you have if you can find some older married couples, if you have friends whose parents are married, get closer, you know, once a quarter something, just get some time chat with them, you know, pick their brain a little bit. You would realize that the things that you're trying to crack your head about is not that deep. You will realize. You see many times when the Bible talks about marriage, even when it talks to men. The scripture, when you know they were talking to the men, it says, let me actually go, I need to go back to that scripture. But it talks about loving your wife with understanding. You need to understand a woman. A man needs to understand how a woman functions. A woman needs to understand how a man functions. Understanding will save you so much internal internal negative dialogue if he just understood each other. But this is what having healthy married community helps, because you might be you sharing something and they're like, man, babe, look my husband does that too. It's not a big deal. Sometimes they just need their metime, right. I didn't realize. I'm telling you all my bit. I didn't realize. I thought I was in dependent. You know that song I am d e p eat what I thought that was my jam? But I'm actually very clingy. I am a very clingy lover. I like to be around my husband almost all the time. I want to know what he's doing, where you're at, Oh, you know list, I want to I have this weird thing where I just like to hold this finger, you know, call me weird whatever. I love my husband right, and my husband will have moments where he just wants to have a me time. I thought metime was when people have kids. You know. He's just like, you know, I just need And I'll be like, what what is that? You know? Can I can I be in on your time? He's like, no, baby, I just need to think. I'm like, well, I want to know what you're thinking, su your thoughts. He's like, babe, I just need a moment. And then I'll be like, oh my gosh, is he upset? Are we fighting? Do I not know that we're fighting? What is going on? Right? And he will be cracking up, and I'm over here having this holy eternal thing like, oh my god, I might clinging. I don't think I'm clinging, and I'm just going through it. Yes, your pastor, your pastor will be having this chattering her head let in all kinds of weird thoughts. And I remember talking to one of our friends and I was like, you know, do man just want me time? And I have brothers. I grew up with men, but for some reason, maybe I never paid attention to the metime because I thought I was very independent, right, But then when you get into a marriage I grew up, I was I've been very independent, you know, all my life. I have very strong willed but we women are not designed to be strong in marriage, right, And so marriage brought out a softness in me I didn't even I hadn't seen it brought out a version of me, and I love it, right, I love that softness. I love that feminine posture. And it showed me that I was clinging. Even my mom was shocked when my mom came when my daughter was born. She's like, wow, this is my daughter is completely different. But what I'm trying to say to you is how to this internal dialogue and just a conversation. They're like, yes, girl, Men need to think about one thing at the time. They're not like women who are processing a thousand things all at the same time. Men just need to focus on one thing sometimes and sometimes they just need to think. They're carrying so much on their shoulders right that they just need it doesn't make them love you any less. It actually helps them love you more because they just need time to think and plan things concerning you. They want to see you be all that you can be an X, Y and right. And I was like, oh, okay, okay, I get this. Meantime, this is a very random example, but I'm bringing you in because let me tell you something. I have counted a lot of married couples even when I was single, and what causes some of the biggest arguments are some of the most insignificant things highly insignificant and why lack of understanding? Right, So that's that. Now here's three characteristics about aga pay love. I want you to understand you pour out without an expectation to receive, right John three sixteen. We see that picture there, number two. It's found in God first John four sixteen. It says God is Love, and he who abides in love abides in God and God in Him. This is why I keep hammering if you are not yet married, who you marry matters. Aga pay love is not found in a good person according to cultural standards. It's found in God right, and not just because the person says they're a Christian. I'm talking about a person who is surrendered, who is willing to walk out their relationship with God because the deeper they go in intimacy, the easier it is to love this way, who you marry is important. You cannot marry just on chemicals. You have to marry from things that are foundational. Does this person have the capacity to love me unconditionally? Right? Do I have the capacity to love unconditionally? And it doesn't mean you do it right away, but you grow into it. It has to start with a willingness because you grow into it with the Holy Spirit. Why is it found in God? Because it is the love that God embodies. It is who God is. The Bible says God is love. It is his nature. Future of God is aga pay love. So the deeper you find yourself in Him, the easier it is to express it. So you, as the person who wants to be married, should seek That's why you don't make marriage and idol. I will say this again and again and again. You don't make marriage an idol. Seek God, grow deeper in love with him because then you become more postured to be a spouse. Right. The third thing is it's a choice, not a feeling. Aga pay love is not a feeling. It's a choice. Look at first Corinth, there's thirteen fourty seven. Love is patient and kind. That's not a feeling. You don't feel patient, right, you become patient. You choose to be patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful, or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. That is a choice, not a feeling. When this is again about oneness, right, oneness cannot be sustained without aga pay love. There's something you want to do that your spouse may not be in agreement with. Because you are fighting for oneness, you don't demand your own way. It's a decision. It's a choice, not a feeling. It is not irritable. Right. The deeper you grow in God, you have more understanding for your spouse. You're not easily irritated anymore. Why, Because you're anchored in revelation, not a feeling. Revelation is what causes you to not be irritable, right, And it keeps no record of being wronged. Why revelation Because there's a revelation the Holy Spirit brings you into that. You don't even see that's being wrong. You just see that as a moment and it will pass and we grow from this. Your perspective changes, right. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins. Love never gives up, Love never loses faith. It is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. This is for mature people. Love, did you? Love endures through every circumstance. We don't want to hear this because the moment it's not serving our comfort. Oh I'm out, check me out, right, But love and DERs through every circumstance. This is agape love, This is foundational love. This is what makes marriages work. But it's found in God. Now. Number two, filial love. Right now, as I said, filio love has to do with friendship. Is this brotherly, you know, family type of love. Now, friendship and marriage is important. Filial love is using this scripture and check this out. I thought this was really incredible. Titus two four. It says these older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and to love their children. The word for love their husbands is philia. It's not fascinating that when it comes to the wisdom of the older women to the younger women on having a successful marriage. It talks about the kind of love that has to do with friendship. That is amazing to me. And why is that? Because aga pay love is the foundation. But it does not mean friendship because it is the same way God commanded us to love our enemies. So you can have aga pay love with someone you don't you just don't like, you don't like. Can you imagine. I remember hearing this before and I thought it sounded crazy and hilarious. And the woman said, you know, I love my husband, but I don't always like him because that like comes from friendship. Right. Here are three characteristics of a healthy friendship. To make this very plain and simple, emotional support friends confide in each other, they find comfort and encouragement in one another. And this also helps with effective communication and conflict because you feel supported emotionally, your walls already down. You don't feel like you're you're you know, you're you're stepping on eggshells with your spouse. So desire friendship and when I say friendship, emotional support, desire to be emotionally healthy for your spouse. Because when your spouse feels that you are their safety, oh my goodness, you you don't your arguments become conversations because you're my safety. When a person feels the need to yell over you, they don't feel safe, they don't feel heard, so they have to do something that catches your attention that they have to break the mold, right, they have to they have to, like, ah, right, because they feel like there's all this tension, because it's like you're walking on eggshells, and so the moment they can release it, they just let you have it. So, if you're married and you're listening to this and you and your spouse have this very heated, raw conversations, when all of that settles down. You need to have a real conversation and simply ask each other do you see me as your emotional safety? And don't ask to argue, don't ask to compare, don't ask to defend yourself, don't ask to say, well, don't you remember when I did this for you? No? No, no, That's the reason they don't feel safe. Ask the person, wait, do you feel safe with me? And how can I how can I serve you better in that space? Because when there is emotional support, oh my goodness, their walls are down. Their walls are down. They don't have to figure out how to have the conversation with you, They just have the conversation. They're like, babe, I was thinking about this, what do you think? Because why when there is friendship, it goes into my second thing. There's trust and loyalty. Trust says I trust your intention and motives concerning me. So when I tell you something and you don't agree, I trust where it's coming from. I trust that you care. I trust that you love me. I trust that you know what concerns me. I trust that you know what bothers me. Because look, even in our relationship with God, we don't always understand why God does things right, but we trust his motives for us. We trust the heart of God for us. We don't always understand, but we trust his heart. This is why it's the friendship element is so important in marriage because there's trust and loyalty. Listen, if you are dating or engaged to someone that you don't trust, don't rush into a marriage. If they're red flags that you see, don't rush. Marriage is a journey, it's not an event. Marriage does not automatically flip a switch. Those red flags will still be there. Work it out while you're dating, work it out while you're engaged. Now, if you're already married and you know all this is there, it can be worked out as well. It just requires time and patience. Right But, as a married couple or one who desires to be married, desire a healthy friendship with your spouse, desire to be their emotional support, desire to have trust and loyalty with one another, and number three, shared interests and activities. Find something you both like to do because this strengthens the bond between spouses and you have quality time and fun together. This is where the fun part comes in. Right now, you're always gonna have fun. You know, there are many things that you could just be chilling and having a great time, right because that's where friendship steps into. Look at that the scripture when older women giving younger women wisdom, it was about being a friend, being a friend to your husband and husbands in the same way being a friend to your wife. Women, create a safe space for your men. Create a safe space for them to lay their head. Don't make them feel like they have to walk on eggshells to talk to you or get your or have you agree with them. Be a safe space. Desire, don't just talk about all the things you want him to be. Desire to be his safety, and men desire to be her safety. Desire to create a space where she can share. If she's dealing with something, she should not hide it from you. If you have If your spouse has to tell you, man, Babe, I got to confess about something. I did this a few days ago. I didn't tell you. These are signs that the friendship is not healthy in the marriage because they should feel safe enough to say, babe, man, I messed up. But they don't do that. Why maybe because you keep record of wrongs. Agapey love is not the foundation. So they're scared to tell you things because you already kept a record of the last thing they did. Well, this is just what you do. This is just who you are. Red flag and friendship desire. I'm not saying this thing is on change overnight. Remember, marriage is a journey. But you should desire to be the person that is a healthy friend to your spouse. Right. Desire to figure out what you both enjoy and get into a habit of doing it. Find something you both like. Don't just be business business business, you know, kids, kids, kids, kids, this, this finds something you enjoy together and do it because, especially when kids are involved, kids can take up so much of your time. You don't want to lose sight of each other. Right. The kids are looking to the parents. Part of their healthy development is seeing the health of their parents. So have fun together because you model that for your children. And then romantic love right now, this is also key in marriage, right because apart from sex for procreation, sex is bonding. But here's the thing, romantic love. There are a few things I want to share into this because although romantic love kicks off with physical attraction, passion, sexual desire, and all these things, it will eventually evolve, and we're going to talk about that, right. But for women and men who want to get married, here's some key things that and I'll just share with you in just my experience in learning about the experiences of others. Men are very visual, very visual. If you're a woman and you desire to get married, take care of yourself, take care of yourself. Eat you know, eat good. You know you have your snacks here and there. But what I'm saying is that don't let yourself go. Let your faith meet works. Right. I'm not talking about get surgery, do BBL and I'm not talking about any of that, Okay, I'm just saying, take care of yourself, work out, take good care of yourself. Men are very visual and for women because you have to say, I'm talking about what turns a personal right. If you have found yourself, you know, you have great guy friends and you are exactly what they're looking for, but they just constantly put you in the friend zone, then maybe you are not because they could be. I have, like, I have a lot of male friends and sometimes they're just like, yeah, I don't know, she just don't like she don't you know, she don't she doesn't feel feminine to me. Right, So take care of yourself. Realize that you are also a lady. Okay, so just you know, do do take care of yourself, get your nails done, get your hair domb. When you do that, you know, do do your thing. They're visual people. Women, women are Yes, women are also visual. Right. You can see a man You're like, ok, he looks good. But I will say, and ladies, if I'm wrong, correct me in the comments. Okay. But women are turned on by stability. And I'm not just talking about financial stability. I'm talking about emotional stability. Women are turned on by you being their safety. You can be fine as they come. Women if I don't feel safe with you, ah, right, women when they feel because finances, women are killing it. Okay. Women are being bosses and all those stuff financial to some degree, right, because they want to make sure you as the head, you're leading and all that stuff. But what has been what I think is number one is emotional safety. And so men heal before you are, before you start rushing into marriage. You know, if you know you need therapy, get therapy. If you didn't cry as a child, you need to work those things out, right, if you felt like you had to be extremely promiscuous to get things out of your system because you you know, maybe as a kid you are in the cute kid or the popular kid, and then you grew up and you got fine, and then you just start hitting everything. Heal, heal, heal, heal, heal, heal, heal for your wife, be intention know about your healing right, study the word of God. Get connected into a good church, get con plugged into community groups. Heal. Get a group of healthy men around you that you can cry with. You can You don't have to have this, you know, toxic traits about you healed, because for a woman, she needs to know that she can be safe. Women thrive on safety the same way men thrive on being respected. Right, and so this romantic love, there are many There are different things that can turn it, that can you know, cause a person to feel turned on. But there are three truths about romantic love. Number One, it can't stand alone. It's not it can be the only love that exists in your marriage. If that's the only reason you got married because you are just hot and bothered, it does it is You're you're opening the door for failure because you can have it with a stranger in the elevator. Okay, you just it's like a film. You walk in, you see this person. Oh man, you know you can have it with several people. You call it chemistry. Right. It cannot stand alone. Right, And that is also why I encourage people. If you are if you're dating, you're waiting to get married, you're engaged, be celibate because sex could cause a fuck, could cloud your judgment, right, and you're not seeing things properly. You're just hype on chemicals. That's not why you get married. It cannot stand alone. Right. Number two, Romantic love evolves. It might begin as one thing that drew you to the person, but then it evolves into a deeper commitment of like your relationship to them. And what do I mean by that? Because you see things change. Right. A woman can get pregnant and she doesn't bounce back according to your timeline or whoever's timeline, right, her body is not looking the same. A man could fall in to depression. You know, you don't feel as emotionally supported like you do, but there is something that causes you to stay attracted to them. It's no longer what just started it. It evolves because there is a posture deman takes, there's a posture the woman takes that. And that's what we'll talk more into next week. We're going to talk about, you know, who a biblical husband is, and then after that, who a biblical wife is. When you take on the posture that God ordain, there is order, there's order and marriage. When you take on your position, when you take on that office, it brings there's an attraction that comes with it. That's why some of the most attractive people their marriage is also failed, not even because somebody was toxic or crazy, just people just moved on because it cannot stand alone. Romantic love cannot stand alone. And so when it evolves, it evolves because there is something that you see the person like, I'll give you an example, right, and even I'll use for women. A woman's submission is her beauty. It's no longer yes, you know, you're you're you know, you keeping yourself and all that stuff can be cute, you know, but some days, you know, you just look in a mess and your husband is looking at you like just the best thing ever. You know, you'll be like, wait, why, And that's why women confuse it sometimes they think they're like, my husband loves me, like I mean, he's always he would be my cheerleader at all times. But it's when I have no makeup, nothing, just chilling child, just chilling. He's like, Wow, you are just stunning. And I'm like, bro, what And you hear many men say this, like they just they want all that stuff stripped down? But what draws them to you because it's not it's no longer how they met you. It was no longer because when they saw you, yes, they saw all this stuff that they were like, Oh, she's fine, she's this, she's that. But what keeps them in that place of me? Man, my wife is just she's it for me. Submission is beauty in the eyes of a man. When they know that you respect them, when they know that you lean on them, when they know that there is a level of dependency you have towards them, it is beauty. They look at you like they have to protect your Imagine it's just the same way a man can be with his child. You would hear a man say I would give my life for my child. Why because that child completely depends on them. That child sees them and there they know, like I need you, so they would give their life for that child. When a woman is trying to go toe to toe with her husband, when she's trying to be controlling, when she's trying to be this, when she's trying to be that, she becomes a roommate in his eye. They're still married, He still you know, has oga pay love for her, but he starts seeing you as a roommate. Because the way God created men, they have a nature of they're competitive by nature. They like to conquer things, right, and if they feel like they have to war with you to conquer, they no longer see you as soft. So if you are not soft, I'm not protecting you. So now I'm over here. You just okay, we're fighting together rather than me fighting for you. Right. So when a woman embraces submission, and we'll talk about what submission is when we get there, when you understand it, you would you would you would embrace it. Why when wheny women have ran away from it is because it had all this stigma and all this stuff that just feels like prison. Right, But when you understand it, you'll be like, oh yes, let's sign me up. Right. And men also have their thing we'll talk more about that next week. There is a posture when you take on that posture because the man as the head of the household is not just for a title. You are call to reflect the love of God to your wife. That is why the man is the head over his wife, and Christ is the head over him. And then the God is the head over Christ. The Father is the head over Christ. Why but the man And we'll dig into that next week. The man is supposed to reflect the nature. What God will not do to her, you do not do to her. If God is patient with her, you be patient with her. It's a reflection thing that is happening. It's not just it's not just about you know, it's not like to be suppressed. No, it's to reflect that. The man reflects God to his wife. So who God is, what God will do to her, is how you love her. That's why the Bible says husbands love your wives. And it tells you how as Christ love the Church. Because your position is to reflect God to her. And if as a man you're not ready to do that, don't rush into marriage. If you're not ready to sacrifice, if you're not ready to you know, get out of your way a bit. Don't rush into marriage, and as a woman, if you're not ready to submit, if you're not ready to trust his leadership, Understand what it's all about before you rush into it. And if you're already there, then be willing to unlearn and learn right. And so the final thing about a romantic love is that it can be corrupted. And what I mean by this, marriage is not a cure for addiction. If you have a pornography addiction, if you have a sex addiction, marriage does not cure it. What that does it corrupts romantic love because now you see your spouse as a one who has to meet the needs of your addiction and not your intimacy. So it's no longer about you both being intimate to bond or love or pleasure or fun. It's to meet the addiction. Now I'm not talking about having a high sex drive. Those are two different things, right. You can have a high sex drive high sex drive you're in control. An addiction you have no control. It must be fed. It doesn't cure it. So if you are dealing with that, don't rush into marriage as the cure. Get that worked out, right, So know that it can be corrupted. Now here's a practical takeaway and I'm going to see you on next week. Many times, when we think about marriage, we have our list. We have the list of what we want this person to be, whether we want our spouse to be, how they should look, how tall they should be, what they should do for us. Listen, I know the list, okay, But I want to encourage you for those who are looking to be married. Those who are married, I want you to write a serve list in the heart of aga pay love, the foundational love. Write a list on how you desire to serve your spouse. Get out of yourself for a second and look at your spouse. How do you desire to serve them? Because aga pay love is the foundation of everything. Without that, filio doesn't stand. Because filio love that friendship love is conditional. Aga pay love helps that to endure. Without agapay love, romantic love doesn't stand because aga pay love gives understanding. It helps you to recognize when okay, look marriage, you know when you're married. And yes, women can have a high sex drive. Of men tend to have more of a need for sex. While women want sex right, they want it when they there's like an emo, you know, they just feel like it's happy or excited or whatever whatever. Whatever, Man, whether they're whether you're fighting or you're not, they will still listen. You all could be in a hot argument and they could still go to bed expecting you know, to do to do. But Aga pay love is what gives understanding and what helps to say, Man, my spouse had a long day just tonight, just you know, they need to sleep, they need rest or you know, x Y and z Aga pay love is what makes you realize, like you see each other beyond your need, You see each other beyond your desire for a thing. Right. So it is foundational in nature and so in the heart of Aga pay love right a serve list, how do you desire to serve your spouse? And I will see you next and we're going to talk about who is a biblical husband. If this is blessing, you like it, share it, subscribe to the channel, and see you next week.