Keeping Yourself Happy

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What if 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:11.080 you could unlock insights about your finances in less than 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:13.600 five minutes with a clear picture of where you stand 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:16.399 today and where your money can work harder. Now you 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:19.480 can visit facet dot com to take the free quiz 0:01:19.520 --> 0:01:23.280 and get your financial wellness score today. That's face t 0:01:23.600 --> 0:01:25.679 dot com. This add a sponsored by Facet. Facet Wealth 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:27.840 in Corporated is an SEC registered investment advisor. This is 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:29.400 not an offer to buy yourself security s noor is 0:01:29.400 --> 0:01:30.800 it investment, legal or tax advice. 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.039 Hi, this is Joel and Victoria. Thanks for listening to 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:37.200 our podcast and thanks for supporting the ministry. If you 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:39.880 enjoy today's message, why don't you be a blessing and 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:42.600 share it with a friend. We appreciate you and pray 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:56.120 put God's very best in your life, and. 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:59.160 God bless you. It's a joy to come into your homes. 0:01:59.360 --> 0:02:01.320 Don't want it an I know that we love you 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:04.280 and we're believing that two thousand and six is going 0:02:04.320 --> 0:02:06.600 to be your best year so far. That's what I've 0:02:06.640 --> 0:02:08.760 been telling them here in this auditorium, and we speak 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:09.840 the same thing over you. 0:02:10.080 --> 0:02:11.480 Pray for you every single day. 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:13.760 We may not know you, but we feel like you're 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:16.040 a part of our extended family. And if you're ever 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:18.600 in our area, I hope you'll stop by and see us. 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:20.320 We'd love to have you be a part of one 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:21.040 of our services. 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:22.160 Love to meet you in person. 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:24.519 I say it often, but these are the finest people 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:26.960 in all of Houston. So come on out whenever you can. 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:30.000 But God bless you. Thanks for tuning in. I like 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:32.720 to get started with something funny each week, and I 0:02:32.760 --> 0:02:36.040 heard about these three sisters that all lived together. They 0:02:36.040 --> 0:02:40.280 were ages ninety six, ninety four, and ninety two. One day, 0:02:40.280 --> 0:02:42.400 the ninety six year old draws a bath and she 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:46.520 puts one foot in and she pauses. She hollers, downstairs, 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:49.280 I can't remember if I was getting in or getting out. 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:52.280 The ninety four year old says, I don't know. I'll 0:02:52.280 --> 0:02:53.320 come up there to see you. 0:02:53.560 --> 0:02:56.120 She gets halfway up the stairs and she pauses and says, 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.520 I can't remember if I was going up or coming down. 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:01.440 Year old shook her head and said, man, I hope 0:03:01.440 --> 0:03:04.000 I never get that. Forgetful, and she knocked on wood 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:06.919 for good luck. Then she said, hang on, I'll come 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:08.799 help both of you as soon as I see who's 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:13.280 at the door. All right, hold up your Bible. Say 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:16.240 it like you mean it. This is my Bible. I 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:18.760 am what it says I am. I have what it 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:21.360 says I have. I can do what it says I 0:03:21.400 --> 0:03:24.560 can do. Today I will be taught the word of God. 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:29.720 I boldly confess. My mind is alert, my heart is receptive. 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:33.920 I will never be the same. In Jesus' name, God 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:38.280 bless you. We've been talking about being the individual that 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:40.880 God's made us to be, and not living. 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:44.840 Just to try to please everybody. It's very easy to take. 0:03:44.680 --> 0:03:48.120 On a false sense of responsibility to where we think 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:52.000 it's our job to keep everybody happy, to fix this person, 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:56.360 to rescue this person, solve this other person's problem. And 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:58.800 of course it's good to want to help, it's good 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.840 to reach out to others, but too often we get 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:06.080 out of balance. We're doing everything for everybody else, but 0:04:06.120 --> 0:04:10.000 we're not taking any time to keep ourselves healthy. And 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:13.760 I found when I try to keep everybody around me happy, 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:15.760 when I try to meet all their. 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:18.440 Needs, I'm the one that ends up suffering. 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:22.200 And God does not want you to sacrifice your happiness 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:25.720 in order to keep somebody else happy. And I know 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:28.640 that may sound a little selfish, but there's a balance here. 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:33.080 Your first priority is to take care of yourself and 0:04:33.160 --> 0:04:35.880 some people, no matter what you do for them, no 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:38.679 matter how nice you are, no matter how much time 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:41.520 and energy you give them, they're still not going to 0:04:41.560 --> 0:04:45.039 be happy. They've got issues on the inside they need 0:04:45.040 --> 0:04:49.559 to resolve, and you should not take responsibility for someone 0:04:49.640 --> 0:04:53.159 else's poor choices. When you do that, before long, they'll 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:56.400 be controlling you and manipulating you, and some of you 0:04:56.520 --> 0:05:00.719 Right now, you're not happy because you're allowing someone else 0:05:00.920 --> 0:05:04.640 to keep you unhappy. A spouse, a child, a friend, 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:08.880 a neighbor. They won't do right. They're always dumping their 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:12.080 problems on you. They expect you to come bail them 0:05:12.120 --> 0:05:14.640 out and keep them cheered up. And so now you're 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:17.240 kind of frustrated because you're spending all your time and 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:19.919 energy on them, and it seems like every time you 0:05:19.960 --> 0:05:21.640 get them fixed up, they're back a. 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:23.400 Week later with that same problem. 0:05:24.000 --> 0:05:26.560 And do you know, if you continue to help them, 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:30.720 you're not only hurting yourself, but you're doing them a disservice. 0:05:31.200 --> 0:05:34.400 You become a crutch to them, because as long as 0:05:34.480 --> 0:05:36.920 they know they can come running to you and make 0:05:36.960 --> 0:05:40.600 you feel guilty and talk you into solving all their problems. 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:43.480 Then they'll never deal with the real issues on the inside. 0:05:43.640 --> 0:05:44.800 Then they want change. 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:47.440 Now. I found a lot of times people like that. 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:50.480 They don't really want to be helped, They don't really 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.559 want to change. They like the attention that it brings them. 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:56.359 And sometimes the best thing you can do for somebody 0:05:56.400 --> 0:05:57.960 like that is to not help them. 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:00.000 Think about a little child. 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.240 If every time they throw a fit you come running 0:06:03.600 --> 0:06:06.080 and give them exactly what they want, they're going to 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:08.880 continue to do that. They know what they have to 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:11.360 do in order to get their way, and they'll use 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:14.080 that to control you. But if you let them throw 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:17.320 that fit five or six times, and even though they're 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:21.400 hollering and screaming, you don't give in, you just ignore it, well, 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:24.039 it won't be long until they realize throwing a fit 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:27.240 doesn't do any good, and then they'll have to change. Really, 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:29.719 it's the same principle in adults. 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:31.120 As long as. 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:35.040 You allow somebody to pressure you into giving in and doing. 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:37.320 What they want, they're going to continue to do it. 0:06:37.960 --> 0:06:40.760 But friends, life is too short to go through it 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:44.680 being controlled and manipulated by people that won't make good 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:49.560 choices on their own. Please understand, you are not responsible 0:06:49.600 --> 0:06:51.240 for everybody else's happiness. 0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:53.680 You are responsible for your own happiness. 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.560 And if somebody is controlling you today, the fact is 0:06:57.960 --> 0:06:58.960 it's not their fault. 0:06:59.080 --> 0:06:59.840 It's your fault. 0:07:00.560 --> 0:07:03.080 Many times they don't even realize it. You've got to 0:07:03.160 --> 0:07:07.080 learn to set some boundaries. Quit allowing them to call 0:07:07.200 --> 0:07:09.600 you all hours of the day and night and dump 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:12.960 their problems on you. Quit catering to them and giving 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.160 in every time they throw a fit. Quit loaning them 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:19.840 money every time they make poor choices. What I'm saying 0:07:20.000 --> 0:07:23.840 is you have to let them take responsibility for their actions. 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:24.280 Now. 0:07:24.280 --> 0:07:27.200 I don't mean to sound harsh or non caring, but 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:29.560 you know as well as I do. Sometimes we can 0:07:29.600 --> 0:07:32.600 be so good hearted and so generous that we allow 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.920 people to control us. We have to realize at some 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:39.520 point we're not helping that person anymore, and not only that, 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:41.160 now they're hurting us. 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:43.400 And I see too many people. 0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:49.280 Going around upset, frustrated, discouraged, and it's all because somebody 0:07:49.320 --> 0:07:51.960 in their life won't do right, and they've made the 0:07:52.000 --> 0:07:56.160 mistake of taking on this false sense of responsibility. Now 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:59.080 they go around carrying this heavy load, trying to fix 0:07:59.160 --> 0:08:01.360 this person, to keep this person happy. 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:03.480 Now you can be free. 0:08:03.240 --> 0:08:05.840 From all that if you'll just give those people to God. 0:08:06.480 --> 0:08:08.960 Quit trying to be the keeper of the universe. That's 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:12.120 not your job. You can't make everybody do what's right. 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:15.880 You can't make your children serve God. You can't force 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:18.960 your relatives to make good decisions. Why don't you take 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:22.760 the pressure off yourself and let God deal with them? Well, Joel, 0:08:22.800 --> 0:08:24.920 if I don't loan them the money, they may get upset. 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:27.520 If I don't call them every morning, they'll get mad 0:08:27.560 --> 0:08:29.840 at me. Or if I don't give in when they 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:31.880 throw a fit, they may not talk to me for 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:34.640 two weeks. Or do you want to live the next 0:08:34.640 --> 0:08:36.800 twenty years like that? Or do you want to help 0:08:36.840 --> 0:08:39.440 that person get free? Because you're not doing them a 0:08:39.480 --> 0:08:42.640 favor by allowing them to control you. You're taking the 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:43.600 easy way out. 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:44.440 Now. 0:08:44.320 --> 0:08:46.520 I realize at first it may be a little difficult, 0:08:47.160 --> 0:08:49.200 but if you'll put your foot down and make these 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:52.600 necessary changes, then in the long run, both your life 0:08:52.679 --> 0:08:54.719 and that other person's life are going to be much 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:57.480 much better. Now I know this couple and for the 0:08:57.480 --> 0:09:00.320 first few years of their marriage, it was miserable. And 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.360 this lady had come from a very negative background. She 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:05.520 had gone through a lot of unfair things growing up, 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:09.439 and now she was just a very negative, very unhappy person. 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:11.880 And if she didn't get her way, she'd go around 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:15.360 throwing fits. She'd go through the house palutin for two 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:18.120 or three days. She was always having some kind of 0:09:18.160 --> 0:09:21.320 crisis where she needed attention. And this husband, he was 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:24.439 just as good as gold, and like probably most of us, 0:09:24.440 --> 0:09:26.560 he would do anything he could to try to keep 0:09:26.559 --> 0:09:29.960 her happy. He was always encouraging her, trying to fix 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.520 her problems, letting her know she is going to be okay. 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:36.200 And for three years he catered to her night and day, 0:09:36.760 --> 0:09:40.200 and he basically gave up his happiness in order to 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:43.360 try to keep her happy. But one day it dawned 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:46.160 on him that she was never going to change. He 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:50.839 finally got fed up. He realized although he had good intentions, 0:09:51.080 --> 0:09:52.760 he was not helping her anymore. 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:55.679 He was hurting her. He had become a crutch. He 0:09:55.720 --> 0:09:56.520 was very bold. 0:09:56.880 --> 0:09:59.280 He went to her and he said, listen, I loved you, 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:02.720 but I realize there's nothing I can do to keep 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:05.520 you happy. I've done everything I can and I'm just 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:08.839 letting you know that I'm finished trying. And as harsh 0:10:08.960 --> 0:10:12.160 as that consound, she said later, that was the best 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:15.040 thing that ever happened to her, That made her look 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:18.560 inside and deal with the real issues, that forced her 0:10:18.600 --> 0:10:21.880 to take responsibility for her own actions. That was the 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:25.040 wake up call she needed. That was over twenty years ago. 0:10:25.360 --> 0:10:28.360 Today their marriage is stronger than ever. But see, up 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:31.600 to that point, she was miserable, and she was making 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:35.400 it her business to make everybody around her miserable. You 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:38.800 may be in relationship with somebody kind of like that today, 0:10:39.280 --> 0:10:42.160 but you should not allow them to steal your joy. 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:46.079 Do not make the mistake of going through life unhappy. 0:10:46.640 --> 0:10:49.720 If they're making poor choices, if they're choosing to live 0:10:49.800 --> 0:10:53.280 down and depressed and in the pits, be kind, be courteous, 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:56.240 but don't get in the pits with them. Your attitude 0:10:56.280 --> 0:10:58.600 should be if you don't want to be happy, that's fine, 0:10:58.720 --> 0:11:00.640 but you're not going to keep me from being happy. 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:01.360 Now. 0:11:01.400 --> 0:11:04.840 I know there's a very fine line here. There's a 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:08.200 fine line here, but really, you are not responsible for 0:11:08.280 --> 0:11:13.199 your spouse's happiness. You're not responsible for all your children's happiness. 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:17.760 All of us are responsible to keep ourselves happy. I 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:19.880 know some of you today, you're on the flip side 0:11:19.880 --> 0:11:20.920 of what I'm talking about. 0:11:21.160 --> 0:11:24.240 You're the ones doing the controlling. Sure's you bitter lock 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:24.800 the doors. 0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:29.079 So you've got to quit relying on that other person 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:32.600 to carry you. Quit making your spouse cheer you up 0:11:32.600 --> 0:11:35.760 every day and keep you encouraged. That's not fair to 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:40.200 that other person. Take responsibility. Quit being a baby. Quit 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.720 throwing a fit when you don't get your way. Quit 0:11:42.760 --> 0:11:46.360 going around manipulating that person for three days until he 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:50.280 does what you want. No, take responsibility and learn to 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:54.040 keep yourself happy. And I'm not talking today about being 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:57.800 selfish or self centered. We should be givers, but there's 0:11:57.840 --> 0:12:02.199 a big difference between giving and allowing somebody to control 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:05.240 us and make us feel guilty until we do what 0:12:05.280 --> 0:12:09.200 they want. One thing I've realized, God has not called 0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:12.480 me to be unhappy in order to keep somebody else happy. 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:15.720 And if that's happening, it's not the other person's fault. 0:12:16.200 --> 0:12:20.840 It means that I've taken on this false sense of responsibility. 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:22.160 And now I'm allowing them to control me. 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:26.520 And if you're in relationship with somebody where you're always 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:31.280 doing the giving, you're always encouraging, you're always rescuing. Well, 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:33.960 that's a good sign that something's out of balance. You 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:37.240 become a crutch. And unless you make these changes that 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:40.480 I'm talking about, then, most likely twenty years from now, 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:43.200 it's going to be the exact same way. You've got 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:45.840 to take a stand. You don't have to be mean 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:47.920 or rude about it. You can do it in love, 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:50.160 but you need to go to that person and say 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:53.200 I love you, but I'm not going to allow you 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:55.600 to keep dumping your problems on me and making my 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:58.439 life miserable. I'm not gonna let you keep draining all 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:01.800 my time and energy. You've got to take responsibility and 0:13:01.880 --> 0:13:02.200 learn to. 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:03.199 Keep yourself happy. 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:05.839 Well, Joel, If I do that, they may get their 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:08.000 feelings hurt, they may get upset. 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:11.599 Well, that's between them and God. When you stand. 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:13.560 Before God, he's not going to ask you, hey, did 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:16.480 you keep everybody around you happy? He's going to ask you, 0:13:16.640 --> 0:13:19.199 did you fulfill the call that I placed on your 0:13:19.200 --> 0:13:19.720 own life. 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:22.920 I read about this couple. They had a grown son. 0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:25.160 He was thirty one years old, but he was still 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:28.360 living at home, and this young man was very lazy 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:31.360 and undisciplined. He wouldn't go out and get a job. 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:34.840 He just liked to sit around the house and watch television. 0:13:35.240 --> 0:13:37.360 And the funny thing was, he didn't think that he 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:40.040 had a problem. He didn't see anything wrong with that. 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:42.760 As far as he was concerned, life was just great. 0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:46.720 And these parents were constantly catering to him. And of 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:49.480 course they loved their son like we all do, and 0:13:49.600 --> 0:13:51.640 they didn't want to be too hard on him. They 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:53.320 tried to get him to go out and get a job, 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:56.840 but he wouldn't take any initiative. He didn't have any motivation. 0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:59.440 And they allowed this to go on year after year. 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:02.520 But one day they were so distraught by it they 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:05.800 went to see a professional counselor and they explained the 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:09.880 situation to this doctrine told how the son was very lazy, 0:14:09.920 --> 0:14:12.320 and they said, doctor, on top of all of this, 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:15.800 our son doesn't even think that he has a problem. 0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:19.560 And the doctor said something that really shocked him. He said, well, 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:22.920 I agree with your son. He doesn't have a problem. 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.360 You have the problem because you've delivered him out of 0:14:26.400 --> 0:14:29.200 all of his problems. He went on to say, if 0:14:29.200 --> 0:14:31.240 you want your son to get better, you need to 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:34.360 give him back his problem. In other words, he was saying, 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:36.640 you've got to quit making it so easy on him, 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:39.360 quit delivering him out of all of his trouble. 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:40.640 See, it's not. 0:14:40.720 --> 0:14:44.240 Always the best thing to rescue somebody and make their 0:14:44.280 --> 0:14:47.400 life easy. It's not always the best thing to solve 0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:51.120 their problems for them. Sometimes you've got to have tough love. 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:54.400 Sometimes you've got to say I love you. But if 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:56.440 you're going to live in my household, you're gonna have 0:14:56.480 --> 0:14:58.160 to get up and go get a job. You're gonna 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:00.560 have to start taking some responsibility. 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:04.680 The Bible says if you don't work, you won't eat. 0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:07.680 You need to say to somebody like that, if you 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:09.240 don't go get a job, you're about to. 0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:10.960 Find out what it means to go in a long, 0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:11.760 long fast. 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:17.680 But when somebody's lazy, when they're irresponsible, when they're going 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:20.200 around pout and all through the day, we do them 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:23.840 a disservice to make their life easy and just to 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:26.680 deliver them from all of their problems. I heard somebody 0:15:26.760 --> 0:15:29.800 say there are two important qualities that all of our 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:33.000 children need to have. They need to be grateful and 0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:36.120 they need to be eager. If they're not grateful, they're 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:39.480 going to take everything for granted. They're gonna expect everybody 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:42.040 to give them what they need on a silver platter. 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:45.920 In life, then they need to be eager, eager to learn, 0:15:46.160 --> 0:15:50.560 eager to serve, eager to achieve. Sometimes, as parents, this 0:15:50.680 --> 0:15:53.360 is difficult. I know, I like to make it easy 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:56.320 on my children. We have a little help around the house, 0:15:56.360 --> 0:15:58.320 and the easy thing is to let the help do it, 0:15:58.640 --> 0:15:59.480 let the help clean. 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:01.320 No, I know that's not the best. 0:16:01.680 --> 0:16:04.440 Our children are ten and seven and every morning they 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:07.400 set their own alarm, they make their own bed, they 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:09.920 get their own clothes on, they get dressed by themselves. 0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:12.240 They come down, they have their chores to do, and sure, 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:14.560 we could have somebody else do it. But I know 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:17.560 if we make it too easy, they're going to develop 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:20.240 the wrong habits, the wrong mindsets, and it's going to 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:23.080 hurt them later on in life. Really, we all need 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:25.960 to be grateful and we need to be eager. But see, 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.920 I have that tendency to want to help everybody. I 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:31.440 want to solve all their problems. Let me do it 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:34.640 for you. But I had to realize that's not always 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:38.120 the best. I remember one time, several years ago, I 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:39.520 ran into this homeless man. 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:42.560 He was a young man about my age. 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:44.360 And I had this twenty dollars bill that I was 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:46.560 just about to give him. But I felt a little 0:16:46.640 --> 0:16:49.160 check down in here, and so we begin to talk 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:51.920 and he told me his story, how he'd gone from 0:16:51.920 --> 0:16:54.640 city to city, had a pretty rough life, and he 0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:56.720 tried to hold down a job but it just didn't 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:59.200 work out. And I really felt compassion for him. I 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:01.760 really wanted to help him, and so I invited him 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.359 to church. I said, hey, I'm a pastor of a 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:07.600 church here in town. Where are you on Sunday mornings? 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:10.000 And I'll have somebody come by and pick you up. 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:12.439 He said, oh, no, I can't come to church. I 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:16.360 don't have time to come to church here. He was homeless. 0:17:16.480 --> 0:17:17.639 I thought, man, what are you going to be doing. 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:19.040 You don't have to mow your lawn, you have to 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:24.000 clean your house. The more I talk to him, the 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:27.000 more I realized he didn't want to be helped. He 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:29.280 didn't want to change, he didn't want to live in victory. 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:31.280 He wanted to take the easy way out. He just 0:17:31.320 --> 0:17:34.040 wanted my money. And I'm not saying he didn't have 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:37.560 a hard life. But when somebody doesn't want to change, 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:40.280 when somebody doesn't want to be helped, we do them 0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:43.480 a disservice by delivering them out of all their problems. 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:46.000 And I could have easily given him that money, but 0:17:46.080 --> 0:17:48.959 I didn't want to do anything to prolong his misery. 0:17:49.200 --> 0:17:51.080 And yes, we should help the needy. 0:17:50.800 --> 0:17:53.520 But there comes a point where if you continue to 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:57.040 help somebody, you're actually hurting them more than you're helping them. 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:00.000 And I think a lot of times we're be in control, 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:03.800 old and manipulated more than we realize. Hell, Joel, I 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:06.080 got to work sixty hours a week, or my boss 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:08.159 will look down on me. He won't invite me to 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:11.600 important meetings, he'll lead me out. He recognize what's happening. 0:18:11.680 --> 0:18:16.080 That's a controlling spirit. You're doing things because you're being manipulated. 0:18:16.600 --> 0:18:19.000 The thing to do is to set some boundaries. Just 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:21.240 go to your boss and say here's what. 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:22.000 I'm able to do. 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:25.159 I cannot work late every single night. I've got a family, 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.359 I've got commitments. But when I'm here, I'll give you 0:18:27.400 --> 0:18:31.000 one hundred and ten percent. You need to confront it. 0:18:31.040 --> 0:18:34.760 Don't go ten years being manipulated and doing things out 0:18:34.760 --> 0:18:38.199 of guilt. Start paying attention why you respond to a 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:41.280 certain way and why you do certain things. Some of 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:43.639 you are doing way too many things out of guilt. 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:47.159 You're working late because you feel guilty. You're helping somebody 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:50.840 because you feel guilty. You're over committed, worn out, run 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:52.280 down because you're guilty. 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:54.480 You're afraid you're going to hurt somebody's feelings. 0:18:55.040 --> 0:18:58.399 This is all rooted in that taking on a false 0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:02.439 sense of responsibility to keep everybody happy. That you should 0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:06.480 not feel guilty because you can't meet the demands that everybody. 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:07.040 Put on you. 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:10.639 You've got to recognize what's happening and then learn to 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:14.919 change how you respond. If every time you disagree with 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:18.520 your spouse you get the cold shoulder and life is 0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:22.320 miserable for the next four hours, that's a form of manipulation. 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:25.800 The next time that happens, you need to address it 0:19:26.200 --> 0:19:29.399 and don't respond the same way. Well, Joel, she's ignoring me. 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:31.520 I'll show her. I'll go to the ballgame, I'll go 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:35.239 play golf. No, if you'll change how you respond and 0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:38.040 not give in, not play those games, it'll force that 0:19:38.119 --> 0:19:40.600 other person to change how they respond. Or if a 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:43.199 person that invites you to an event, you check your 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:46.240 schedule and you're not able to You're way too busy. 0:19:46.680 --> 0:19:49.240 But you feel that pressure and you know they're going 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:51.560 to get upset, you know you're going to fall out 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:54.360 of their good grace. Well, you get to recognize that's 0:19:54.400 --> 0:19:55.359 a controlling spirit. 0:19:55.400 --> 0:19:56.240 That's not normal. 0:19:56.760 --> 0:19:58.560 You need to be able to say I would love 0:19:58.600 --> 0:20:00.919 to go, I'm sorry, I'm just not gonna be able to. 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:04.439 And if they can't understand that, that's their problem. But 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:08.000 don't go through life being controlled and being manipulated, and 0:20:08.080 --> 0:20:12.399 be aware of high maintenance people. These people are almost 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:13.719 impossible to keep happy. 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:17.200 You've got to call them so many times a week. 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:19.760 You got to make sure you're stroking them enough, make 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:22.640 sure you're at their beck and call. If not, they're 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:25.760 gonna get upset. They'll be disappointed in you. They'll make 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:29.119 sure that you'll feel guilty about it. I found that 0:20:29.280 --> 0:20:34.159 high maintenance people are almost always controllers. They're not interested 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:37.160 in you, they're interested in what you can do for them. 0:20:37.600 --> 0:20:40.280 They're interested in how you can make their life better. 0:20:40.920 --> 0:20:42.879 And if you fall into that trap of trying to 0:20:42.960 --> 0:20:44.840 keep them happy, you're going to be. 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:45.760 Totally worn out. 0:20:45.840 --> 0:20:49.160 You're gonna go around all frustrated. I remember one time, 0:20:49.480 --> 0:20:52.800 many years ago, I knew this couple and I really 0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:55.320 liked them. They were fine people. In fact, I went 0:20:55.359 --> 0:20:57.720 out of my way to help them. They moved to 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:01.199 another state. I gave them some money. I tried to 0:21:01.240 --> 0:21:04.000 stay in touch, and they ever needed anything. I was 0:21:04.080 --> 0:21:07.960 always available. But it seemed like I was never doing enough. 0:21:08.000 --> 0:21:10.679 They were never happy here. I had gone out of 0:21:10.680 --> 0:21:14.080 my way to help them. I was being kind and generous, 0:21:14.119 --> 0:21:17.359 but they never saw any of that. They just found 0:21:17.400 --> 0:21:20.679 some reason to find fault. They found some way to 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:22.760 make me feel a little bit guilty, like. 0:21:22.760 --> 0:21:25.919 I wasn't doing enough. But one day it dawned on me. 0:21:26.359 --> 0:21:29.040 They are just high making its people, and I am 0:21:29.080 --> 0:21:32.280 not responsible to keep them happy. I can't make them 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:35.080 like me. I can't make them be grateful. I need 0:21:35.080 --> 0:21:35.960 to just run my. 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:38.760 Race and not allow them to steal my joy. And 0:21:38.840 --> 0:21:40.480 that's a very freeing way to live. 0:21:41.160 --> 0:21:43.639 You need to examine how you spend your time and 0:21:43.720 --> 0:21:46.560 why you do what you do. Is it out of guilt? 0:21:47.200 --> 0:21:50.119 Is it because somebody is manipulating or controlling you? 0:21:50.320 --> 0:21:51.840 If so, make these changes. 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:55.360 I found if you don't take control of your life, 0:21:55.520 --> 0:21:58.560 somebody else will control it for you. You've got to 0:21:58.600 --> 0:22:01.199 learn to set these boundaries, and you need to be 0:22:01.240 --> 0:22:04.600 secure enough in yourself to tell people no. If a 0:22:04.600 --> 0:22:07.400 friend invites you to dinner, you're not able to go, 0:22:07.920 --> 0:22:10.320 and yet they get all upset. You know what, They're 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:14.119 not really your friend. They're a manipulator. They're using you 0:22:14.320 --> 0:22:18.199 for what they want, because a true friend understands. A 0:22:18.240 --> 0:22:20.920 true friend doesn't get upset when you can't meet every one. 0:22:20.840 --> 0:22:21.639 Of their demands. 0:22:22.040 --> 0:22:25.040 I know, I get invitations to speak at other places 0:22:25.200 --> 0:22:27.439 I would love to. I'm very honored, but with my 0:22:27.520 --> 0:22:30.360 obligations here and with my family at this time, I'm 0:22:30.359 --> 0:22:34.320 not able to. And I've received several invitations from very 0:22:34.440 --> 0:22:37.800 good friends of mine, people that I've loved and respected 0:22:37.840 --> 0:22:40.480 for many, many years, and it was very hard for 0:22:40.560 --> 0:22:42.679 me to tell them no because I don't like to 0:22:42.720 --> 0:22:45.800 disappoint people. But I've learned what I'm telling you today, 0:22:45.800 --> 0:22:47.480 that I got to take care of myself. 0:22:47.480 --> 0:22:48.600 That's my first priority. 0:22:49.200 --> 0:22:52.760 But the first time I declined these invitations was kind 0:22:52.760 --> 0:22:55.439 of nervous and kind of wondering what they were going 0:22:55.520 --> 0:22:57.480 to think, Ah, man, they may think that I've got 0:22:57.480 --> 0:23:00.600 the big head. I think I'm too important. Every time 0:23:00.640 --> 0:23:03.520 those people wrote back, they said, Joel, it's no big deal, 0:23:03.560 --> 0:23:06.720 it's no problem. Whenever you can come, the invitation is 0:23:06.760 --> 0:23:10.840 always open. And see, that's a true friend. Somebody that's 0:23:10.920 --> 0:23:13.560 not just out for themselves. Somebody is not going to 0:23:13.640 --> 0:23:17.119 pressure you and make you feel guilty unless you do 0:23:17.200 --> 0:23:21.600 exactly what they want. It's really free to understand that 0:23:21.640 --> 0:23:24.800 you don't have to keep everybody happy. And I really 0:23:24.840 --> 0:23:27.639 believe that if you live your life just trying to 0:23:27.640 --> 0:23:30.560 please people, you will not be able to fulfill your 0:23:30.600 --> 0:23:34.000 God given destiny. I know when I went away to 0:23:34.119 --> 0:23:37.960 college after that first year, I knew, deep down on 0:23:38.000 --> 0:23:40.560 the inside that I was supposed to come back to 0:23:40.640 --> 0:23:43.919 Lakewood and start a television outreach. I felt it so 0:23:44.160 --> 0:23:47.720 strongly down in here, but I was very concerned about 0:23:47.720 --> 0:23:48.200 what my. 0:23:48.240 --> 0:23:49.520 Parents were going to think. 0:23:50.160 --> 0:23:53.719 After all, my brothers and sisters had all graduated from 0:23:53.800 --> 0:23:57.280 college here. My brother Paul, he had spent twelve thirteen 0:23:57.400 --> 0:24:01.080 years studying to be a surgeon, ailed at three times. 0:24:03.000 --> 0:24:08.919 I'm just kidding, it was twice, you know. 0:24:09.280 --> 0:24:11.080 I came back home and I didn't know what my 0:24:11.080 --> 0:24:12.919 parents were going to think. And I was talking to 0:24:12.960 --> 0:24:16.359 my father about it one day and he was very open. 0:24:16.480 --> 0:24:19.159 He said, Joel, that'd be great, just do what you 0:24:19.280 --> 0:24:22.639 feel good about doing. Daddy was fine with it, but 0:24:22.720 --> 0:24:24.600 now my mother was a different story. 0:24:25.240 --> 0:24:26.440 Mother needed prayer. 0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:30.120 She couldn't stand the thought of one of her children 0:24:30.160 --> 0:24:33.160 not graduating from college. And as I said, I don't 0:24:33.240 --> 0:24:35.720 like to disappoint people, and I really struggle with that. 0:24:36.160 --> 0:24:38.560 But I finally had to make the decision to just 0:24:38.680 --> 0:24:41.080 do what I felt good about. I had to follow 0:24:41.160 --> 0:24:44.280 my own heart. And of course Mama eventually she came around. 0:24:44.760 --> 0:24:47.080 Told her the other day, Mother, I didn't graduate from college, 0:24:47.160 --> 0:24:54.080 but I'm doing pretty good today. Sometimes sometimes you're not 0:24:54.119 --> 0:24:56.720 going to be able to keep everybody happy. And of 0:24:56.760 --> 0:24:59.800 course we should honor our parents, respect them, listen to 0:24:59.800 --> 0:25:02.199 their advice. But in the end, you got to just 0:25:02.280 --> 0:25:05.320 follow your own heart. And the scripture says there in 0:25:05.480 --> 0:25:08.760 Solomon one, verse six and the second part, they have 0:25:08.960 --> 0:25:13.000 made me a keeper of vineyards, but my own vineyard 0:25:13.080 --> 0:25:15.960 I have not kept. In other words, he was saying, 0:25:16.280 --> 0:25:19.439 I was real good at keeping everybody else happy. I 0:25:19.520 --> 0:25:22.480 kept my parents happy, kept my family happy. I took 0:25:22.520 --> 0:25:25.000 care of all of my relatives, my friends, but in 0:25:25.080 --> 0:25:28.919 doing so, I neglected to take care of myself. So 0:25:29.040 --> 0:25:31.600 many times, that's what we do today. We live to 0:25:31.640 --> 0:25:34.520 please everybody else, but we never take time to really 0:25:34.600 --> 0:25:38.160 please ourselves. We end up allowing somebody else to run 0:25:38.200 --> 0:25:41.920 and control our lives. Remember my father told about when 0:25:42.000 --> 0:25:45.159 he first started pastoring. This lady came up to him 0:25:45.200 --> 0:25:48.440 after the service. She was one of the longtime members 0:25:48.480 --> 0:25:51.200 of that church, and here my father was the new pastor, 0:25:51.280 --> 0:25:54.600 a very young man, and she told my father to 0:25:54.680 --> 0:25:57.920 go visit someone in the hospital. She didn't ask him, 0:25:58.040 --> 0:26:00.360 she told him, she ordered him to do it. Well, 0:26:00.400 --> 0:26:03.679 that kind of aggravated my father. He was already working 0:26:03.760 --> 0:26:06.280 himself to death night and day, and he was not 0:26:06.440 --> 0:26:09.359 able to go that week. Well, the next Sunday rolled 0:26:09.400 --> 0:26:12.439 around and this lady came up to and she was 0:26:12.480 --> 0:26:16.439 so mad. She wagged her finger in Daddy's face and 0:26:16.480 --> 0:26:19.359 she said, didn't I tell you to go visit my 0:26:19.440 --> 0:26:20.440 friend in the hospital. 0:26:20.760 --> 0:26:22.360 Well, Daddy was fed up with it by then. 0:26:22.680 --> 0:26:24.720 He put his finger in her face and he said, yes, 0:26:24.840 --> 0:26:27.720 you told me, but I didn't go, and I'm not 0:26:27.960 --> 0:26:29.960 planning on going well. 0:26:30.000 --> 0:26:32.360 She nearly hit the ceiling. She was furious. 0:26:32.400 --> 0:26:35.480 She said, John Osteen, I'm gonna have you voted right 0:26:35.520 --> 0:26:38.320 out of this church. Daddy smiled and said, the sooner 0:26:38.359 --> 0:26:39.879 you could do it, the better off I'm going to be. 0:26:41.880 --> 0:26:44.199 But my father wasn't trying to be rude, but he 0:26:44.359 --> 0:26:47.199 made a decision to just put his foot down and 0:26:47.280 --> 0:26:49.960 not let other people run his life. You got to 0:26:50.040 --> 0:26:52.360 learn to do the same thing. You know as well 0:26:52.400 --> 0:26:55.080 as I do. People they may not mean to, but 0:26:55.160 --> 0:26:58.199 if you allow them, they'll draw all the time and 0:26:58.400 --> 0:27:00.640 energy right out of you. You give it minutes, they'll 0:27:00.640 --> 0:27:03.359 take a mile. And most of the time people like that. 0:27:03.720 --> 0:27:06.840 They're not interested in you. They're not concerned about your 0:27:06.880 --> 0:27:09.520 well being. All they care about is what you can 0:27:09.560 --> 0:27:12.280 do for them. And some of you have lived year 0:27:12.400 --> 0:27:16.600 after year being controlled and manipulated by other people. And 0:27:16.640 --> 0:27:18.679 you would see your life go to a new level 0:27:18.960 --> 0:27:22.080 if you would start confronting these people and start making 0:27:22.080 --> 0:27:23.280 the necessary changes. 0:27:23.760 --> 0:27:26.120 And I'm not saying it's going to be easy. If 0:27:26.119 --> 0:27:26.800 someone has. 0:27:26.640 --> 0:27:29.040 Controlled you for a long time, they're not going to 0:27:29.200 --> 0:27:31.359 like the fact that you're putting your foot down and 0:27:31.440 --> 0:27:32.880 you're not going to allow it anymore. 0:27:33.520 --> 0:27:36.480 Always do it in love. Be respectful, but stand firm 0:27:36.600 --> 0:27:38.560 and make a decision that you're going to be free. 0:27:39.240 --> 0:27:41.280 And if you're one of the ones today that are 0:27:41.320 --> 0:27:44.399 doing the controlling, you too need to change. You're not 0:27:44.440 --> 0:27:47.639 going to be blessed that way. Quit manipulating people in 0:27:47.720 --> 0:27:50.880 order to get your way. Quit pressuring people into doing 0:27:50.960 --> 0:27:51.680 what you want. 0:27:52.119 --> 0:27:54.000 Take the high road, walk. 0:27:53.760 --> 0:27:56.919 In love, and you'll see your relationships in your life 0:27:57.160 --> 0:27:59.440 go to a new level. And I believe for some 0:27:59.480 --> 0:28:02.600 of you this can be a turning point because you 0:28:02.760 --> 0:28:07.359 just live to please everybody. You're constantly trying to fix everything, 0:28:07.840 --> 0:28:10.480 and when you can't, you feel guilty about it. Now, 0:28:10.520 --> 0:28:14.280 you've got to get rid of that false sense of responsibility. Yes, 0:28:14.440 --> 0:28:18.000 reach out to others, Yes, be kind and compassionate, but 0:28:18.119 --> 0:28:22.520 make sure that you're keeping yourself happy. That's your first priority. 0:28:22.760 --> 0:28:24.439 Take care of your own vineyard. 0:28:25.200 --> 0:28:25.520 Friends. 0:28:25.520 --> 0:28:28.399 If you will run your race and not let people 0:28:28.480 --> 0:28:32.080 control you and manipulate you, you'll not only have more time 0:28:32.119 --> 0:28:35.160 and energy, but I believe you'll be happier and you'll 0:28:35.160 --> 0:28:38.719 fulfill the best plan that God's got laid out for you. Amen, 0:28:38.920 --> 0:28:39.560 do you receive it? 0:28:39.600 --> 0:28:44.000 Today. We never like to close our broadcast without giving. 0:28:43.800 --> 0:28:46.840 You an opportunity to make Jesus the lord of your life. 0:28:47.040 --> 0:28:51.320 Would you pray with me? Just say, Lord, Jesus, I 0:28:51.480 --> 0:28:56.400 repent of my sins. Come into my heart. I make 0:28:56.440 --> 0:28:57.760 you my Lord and savior. 0:28:59.040 --> 0:29:01.480 Friends, if you pray that simple prayer, we believe you 0:29:01.600 --> 0:29:04.479 got born again. Get in a good Bible based churm. 0:29:04.560 --> 0:29:05.720 Keep God first place. 0:29:06.040 --> 0:29:08.520 He's gonna take your places that you've never dreamed of. 0:29:09.240 --> 0:29:12.120 Thank you for listening to the Joel lous Deine podcast. 0:29:12.440 --> 0:29:15.080 Help us continue to share the message of hope with 0:29:15.200 --> 0:29:19.160 those all over the world. Visit Joeloustein dot com slash 0:29:19.280 --> 0:29:21.280 give Hope to give a gift today. 0:29:22.560 --> 0:29:25.000 Thanks so much for listening to today's message. 0:29:25.120 --> 0:29:27.840 I hope you'll subscribe so you can receive the latest 0:29:27.920 --> 0:29:30.960 podcast to keep you inspired all through the week. 0:29:31.200 --> 0:29:34.040 We're praying for you. 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