Improving Your Relationships

0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:02.880 No one likes to talk about money. Am I saving enough? 0:00:02.960 --> 0:00:05.040 Can I buy a house? Am I paying too much 0:00:05.040 --> 0:00:07.760 in taxes? Will I be able to retire? What if 0:00:07.760 --> 0:00:10.360 you could unlock insights about your finances in less than 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:12.840 five minutes, with a clear picture of where you stand 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:15.720 today and where your money can work harder. Now you 0:00:15.760 --> 0:00:18.759 can visit facet dot com to take the free quiz 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:23.400 and get your financial wellness score today. That's Facet dot com. 0:00:23.440 --> 0:00:25.360 This ad is sponsored by Facet. Fast Wealth in Corporated 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:27.280 is an sec registered investment advisor. This is not an 0:00:27.320 --> 0:00:29.080 offer to buy your self securities or is it investment, 0:00:29.160 --> 0:00:30.080 legal or tax advice. 0:00:30.520 --> 0:00:33.120 Are you ready to move your career forward? Make your 0:00:33.159 --> 0:00:36.640 comeback with Perdue Global and get college credit for your work, school, life, 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:39.840 or military experiences. With these credits, you may have already 0:00:39.840 --> 0:00:42.680 completed up to seventy five percent of your undergraduate degree. 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:44.800 You've worked hard to get where you are. It's time 0:00:44.840 --> 0:00:46.920 to get the recognition you deserve and earn a degree 0:00:47.000 --> 0:00:49.600 you'll be proud of, one that employers will trust and 0:00:49.720 --> 0:00:51.840 respect when you take the next step in your life 0:00:51.880 --> 0:00:55.040 and career. Make it count with Perdue Global produce online 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:59.720 University for working adults. Start your comeback at Purdueglobal dot edu. 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:02.200 He'll forget about the video game you gave him on 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:02.800 his birthday. 0:01:03.120 --> 0:01:05.000 Wow, thanks Grandpa, but. 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:07.200 He'll never forget how you invest it in his future 0:01:07.240 --> 0:01:08.240 with the uns stapp. 0:01:08.760 --> 0:01:10.400 Wow, thanks Grandpa. 0:01:11.040 --> 0:01:13.560 The unit stap makes it easy for grandparents and family 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:16.280 friends to give funds to a child's investment account for 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:18.720 a limited time. Download the uns stapp and use the 0:01:18.720 --> 0:01:20.800 code I heeart fifty at sign up to receive a 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:23.319 fifty dollars bonus when you fund your account. That's code 0:01:23.360 --> 0:01:26.320 iHeart fifty when you sign up at unest dot co 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:29.280 for a fifty dollars bonus. See terms and conditions at 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:30.080 UNEs dot co. 0:01:31.200 --> 0:01:33.959 Hi, this is Joel and Victoria. Thanks for listening to 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:36.759 our podcast and thanks for supporting the ministry. 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:39.240 If you enjoy today's message, why don't you be a 0:01:39.280 --> 0:01:40.880 blessing and share it with a friends. 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:43.840 We appreciate you and pray for God's very best in 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:57.680 your life. Oh God, bless you. It's a joy to 0:01:57.760 --> 0:02:00.120 come into your homes each week. We love you, and 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:02.480 we know God has great things in store for each 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:04.960 one of you. We pray for you every single day. 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:07.480 I tell these people all the time, this is going 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:09.880 to be your best year so far. If you're ever 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:12.079 in our area, stop buying see this. We give you 0:02:12.120 --> 0:02:15.160 a personal invitation. But thanks for tuning in. I like 0:02:15.200 --> 0:02:17.440 to get started each week with something kind of funny. 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:21.080 And I heard about these two famous baseball pitchers. They 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:23.800 were discussing whether or not there would be baseball up 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:27.000 in heaven. They made an agreement that whoever died first 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:29.560 would come back and tell the other if indeed there 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:32.359 was baseball in heaven. A few months later, one of 0:02:32.400 --> 0:02:35.120 the pitchers died, and just like he promised, he came 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:37.800 back said to his friend, I've got good news and 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:40.760 I've got bad news. The good news is there is 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:44.239 baseball up in heaven. The bad news is you're scheduled 0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:49.600 to pitch next Thursday. All right, hold up your Bible. 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:52.400 Say it like you mean it. This is my Bible. 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:55.320 I am what it says I am. I have what 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:57.919 it says I have. I can do what it says 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:00.800 I can do. Today I will be to the word 0:03:00.840 --> 0:03:05.400 of God. I boldly confess. My mind is alert, my 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:09.200 heart is receptive. I will never be the same. I 0:03:09.240 --> 0:03:15.000 am about to receive the incorruptible, indestructible, ever living seed 0:03:15.280 --> 0:03:19.640 of the Word of God. I'll never be the same, never, never, never, 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:24.360 I'll never be the same. In Jesus' name, God bless you. 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:27.360 I want to talk to you today about how to 0:03:27.400 --> 0:03:32.160 improve your relationships. Our relationships have a lot to do 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:35.080 with our happiness. You can have all the money in 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:37.880 the world, you can have your health, you can have 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:40.720 great opportunities in front of you, but if you don't 0:03:40.800 --> 0:03:44.200 have good relationships, you're not going to enjoy your life 0:03:44.360 --> 0:03:48.119 very much. Now. I know people that are successful in business. 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:52.120 They've done great in their careers, but their personal life 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:55.920 is miserable. They can't get along with other people. One 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:59.880 of the keys to having good relationships is to show respect, 0:04:00.720 --> 0:04:04.160 be considerate, treat other people the way you want to 0:04:04.200 --> 0:04:07.560 be treated. Now, I found most of the time it's 0:04:07.600 --> 0:04:11.160 not the big things that keep people back in relationships. 0:04:11.320 --> 0:04:13.920 It's just the small things. And if we will be 0:04:13.960 --> 0:04:19.160 willing to make minor adjustments, very often we'll see major improvements. 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:23.159 Some of you, if you just start giving more compliments, 0:04:23.640 --> 0:04:27.400 that relationship would go to a new level. Others, if 0:04:27.440 --> 0:04:30.359 you would lower your voice tones and say things in 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:34.440 a kinder way. You would see your relationships improve some 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:37.640 of you. If you could just become better listeners and 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:42.159 give that person your full undivided attention, you'd be amazed 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:45.400 at how much better that relationship could be. And you 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:48.120 need to study the people God's brought into your life. 0:04:48.600 --> 0:04:52.680 Study your spouse, study your friends, study your boss. See 0:04:52.680 --> 0:04:56.800 what they like and don't like. Watch what frustrates them, 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:00.280 Watch what makes them happy. What do they need they 0:05:00.279 --> 0:05:05.040 respond to. Some people when they're stressed out, they need encouragement. 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:09.039 Other people need space. They need you to back off 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:12.840 and give them a little room. Some people need compliments, 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:17.880 they need constant affirmation. Other people just need a little time. 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:20.440 She'll take five minutes and say how you doing? Is 0:05:20.440 --> 0:05:24.719 everything okay? But God made us all different. There's not 0:05:24.920 --> 0:05:28.000 one size that fits all, And if you're gonna have 0:05:28.080 --> 0:05:31.240 good relationships, you have to study the people that you're 0:05:31.240 --> 0:05:34.840 in relationship with and find out what they need. I 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:38.960 learned this firsthand from Victoria. I've never seen anyone more perceptive. 0:05:39.360 --> 0:05:43.480 She constantly studies me. She knows down to the smallest 0:05:43.560 --> 0:05:46.880 detail what I like and don't like, and when to 0:05:46.920 --> 0:05:50.159 ask something, when to give me some space. It takes 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:54.120 an unselfish person to do this, but she realizes in 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:57.560 the long run, she's not only making my life easier, 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:01.000 she's making her life easier. Or she treats me that 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:03.160 happier I am, the more I want to do for her. 0:06:04.120 --> 0:06:07.800 I start studying for my weekend messages on Wednesdays and 0:06:07.920 --> 0:06:12.320 most of the time from Wednesday to Saturday. Victoria won't 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:15.359 bring up a heavy subject. If there's a problem we 0:06:15.400 --> 0:06:19.000 need to discuss, unless it's an emergency, unless it needs 0:06:19.000 --> 0:06:22.359 immediate attention, she won't bring it up till Monday. She 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:25.359 waits till I'm fresh, till my mind is clear. You 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:29.600 know what that is. That's respect, that's being considerate, And 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:31.920 a lot of the tension in our homes, a lot 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:35.280 of the pressure in our relationships we bring on ourselves. 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:38.839 It could be avoided if we be a little more sensitive. 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:42.039 There's a scripture here in verse Peter, chapter three and 0:06:42.120 --> 0:06:47.200 verse seven, it says to live considerately. That means you 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:50.760 have to consider the other person. You need to study 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:54.440 then and make the necessary adjustments so you can have 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:59.159 healthy relationships. For instance, if your spouse comes home from 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:02.040 a long day of work, he sat in traffic for 0:07:02.080 --> 0:07:04.600 an hour and dealt with all kinds of problems. But 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:07.160 when he walks in the door, that's not the time 0:07:07.200 --> 0:07:10.680 to tell him the dishwasher broke and the dog is loose, 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:14.440 and your mother in law's coming for two months. Now, 0:07:14.640 --> 0:07:18.320 be sensitive and wait for the right time. If you 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:21.320 see how your boss tends to be more stressed out 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:24.280 on Monday mornings, it's not the time to ask for 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:27.240 a favor. If you'll wait till the afternoons or until 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:31.280 another day, you'll not only have more success, but there'll 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:36.000 be less tension in that relationship. Timing is everything. You 0:07:36.080 --> 0:07:38.480 can say the right thing, but if you say it 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:42.520 at the wrong time, it's still wrong. Husband's once a 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:45.480 month around that certain time, you have to give your 0:07:45.520 --> 0:07:50.160 wife a little more room. I heard somebody say PMS 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:56.080 means pretty, means sister. That's not the time to discuss 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:59.920 important issues. That's not the time to try to solve problems. 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:03.400 The time to smile and say yes, honey, whatever you say. 0:08:04.600 --> 0:08:08.160 Just simple things can make a big difference. Something I've 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:10.880 learned is when I'm not feeling up to par, when 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:14.280 I'm kind of stressed or something's bothering me, I tell 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:17.640 the people that I'm in close relationship with. The other day, 0:08:17.680 --> 0:08:22.160 I told Victoria, my shoulder is really bothering me, not complaining, 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:25.560 not as an excuse to be sour, but it helps 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:30.920 people to understand. Many times a simple explanation can keep 0:08:30.920 --> 0:08:34.120 a lot of tension out of our relationships. A few 0:08:34.240 --> 0:08:37.280 years back, I would write my sermons on Thursdays, and 0:08:37.440 --> 0:08:39.800 I work out of my home and i'd come downstairs 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:42.360 to have lunch, and every once in a while Victoria 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:44.760 would see me in there and join me, and of 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.679 course I loved having her in there, but when I'm 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:51.160 writing my messages, I don't like to think about anything else. 0:08:51.200 --> 0:08:53.520 I like to stay in that frame of mind. And 0:08:53.559 --> 0:08:56.640 I never said anything to her, but with my actions, 0:08:56.679 --> 0:09:00.520 I was kind of unfriendly, not talkative. He never said 0:09:00.559 --> 0:09:04.120 anything about it. But one day I realized that wasn't 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:07.200 fair to her, and I finally said, Victoria, I'd love 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.360 to talk to you, but I'm right in the middle 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:11.240 of this message. I don't want to get my mind 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:15.439 on anything else. Just a simple ten second explanation. She 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:18.960 totally understood. But I thought about how all those years 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:22.160 I kept that to myself and just sat there, unfriendly, 0:09:22.320 --> 0:09:26.679 not talkative. All that does is bring tension into a relationship. 0:09:27.120 --> 0:09:30.760 One person's thinking what's his problem? Why is he so unfriendly? 0:09:30.800 --> 0:09:32.679 And the other one's thinking, well, I alwish they'd give 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:34.480 me some room. I got so much on my mind. 0:09:35.400 --> 0:09:37.800 Much of this could be avoided if we just learned 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:40.960 to be open and honest with each other. And it's interesting. 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:44.559 I never asked Victoria to not do that anymore, but 0:09:44.600 --> 0:09:48.000 from that day forward, on Thursdays, when I'm writing my messages, 0:09:48.320 --> 0:09:52.000 she doesn't come in there to eat lunch. Why. She's respectful, 0:09:52.200 --> 0:09:56.839 she's considerate. She's constantly studying me to see what can 0:09:56.880 --> 0:10:00.360 make my life easier. And that's the attitude we need 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:03.320 to have. What can I do today to get along 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:06.640 better with the people in my life? How can my 0:10:06.720 --> 0:10:10.559 boss change not How can my spouse treat me better? No? 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:14.079 Turn it around? What can you do? Study that person? 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:17.400 If you will help them come up higher, that's a 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:20.880 seed God will use to bring you a higher I'm 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:24.800 asking us today to pay close attention to the people 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:28.920 you're in relationship with, find out what they need. The 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:31.960 mistake I see us make very often is we try 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:35.480 to give people what we need instead of what they need. 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:38.760 For instance, you may not need a lot of encouragement, 0:10:39.200 --> 0:10:42.920 but perhaps you're in relationship with somebody that does. You 0:10:42.960 --> 0:10:44.840 can't have the attitude. Well I don't need it, so 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:47.840 they shouldn't need it either. No, God made us different. 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:50.600 Remember one time I was talking to this couple that 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:53.680 was struggling in their marriage, and the man said, Joel, 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:56.640 I just don't understand it. I buy my wife anything 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:59.560 she wants. He told how they had put in a 0:10:59.600 --> 0:11:01.720 pool a couple of years ago, and he'd bought her 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:06.280 a new car. But this wife, although she appreciated that, 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:09.800 that's not what she needed. She needed his affection, she 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:13.640 needed his friendship, she needed his time. The problem was 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:16.880 the man was giving her what he needed, what made 0:11:16.960 --> 0:11:19.720 him feel good. You've got to learn to give people 0:11:19.760 --> 0:11:23.040 what they need, not what you need. Well you say, 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:25.880 how do I know? Listen to what people are saying. 0:11:26.520 --> 0:11:30.040 Read between the lines. If you hear your wife say, man, 0:11:30.080 --> 0:11:32.120 you've been working a lot, wish we could go out 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:35.880 to dinner. That's her way of saying I need some attention, 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:39.600 I need some time. I'm feeling lonely. Don't say, oh, yeah, 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:42.920 i've been busy. Maybe it'll stop one day, be more sensitive. 0:11:44.280 --> 0:11:48.040 Be sensitive, you know, plan a special outing, hire a babysit, 0:11:48.120 --> 0:11:50.720 or take her out to dinner, just a simple thing. 0:11:51.160 --> 0:11:53.360 Or maybe you hear your husband one day say, man, 0:11:53.480 --> 0:11:55.600 no matter what I do for you, I can't seem 0:11:55.600 --> 0:11:59.079 to please you. That man is crying out for your approval. 0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:02.520 He's crying out for your affirmation. The way you meet 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:05.599 that need is not saying, Okay, let's go to dinner. No, 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:07.959 he needs to hear you saying I'm proud of you. 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:10.840 I think you're a great husband. I appreciate what you 0:12:10.960 --> 0:12:13.760 do for this family. If you'll learn to give people 0:12:13.960 --> 0:12:17.040 what they need and not what you need, it'll help 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:20.880 your relationships improve. I know when I've been working real 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:23.480 hard and I come home kind of stressed and uptight, 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:26.360 I don't need Victoria to say, well, come on in, Joel, 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:29.240 sit down, we'll talk about it. No, that may meet 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:32.679 her need, but I'm wired differently than she is. I 0:12:32.720 --> 0:12:35.599 know when I'm stressed, I need to go outside and exercise. 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:38.240 I need to go outside and play ball with my children. 0:12:38.480 --> 0:12:41.120 That's going to meet my need in the same way. 0:12:41.360 --> 0:12:44.840 When Victoria is a little uptight and tense, I don't 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:47.280 tell her, why don't you go outside and play with 0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:53.720 the children. I value my life more than that. Why 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:57.200 don't you go exercise? Works for me every time. I've 0:12:57.280 --> 0:12:59.880 learned after more than twenty years of marriage, what she 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:03.280 likes and what she doesn't like. And I know when 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:05.160 she's kind of uptight. The best thing I can do 0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:06.880 is just sit down and talk to her about it. 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:09.160 I just need to hear her out. She needs to 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:12.000 know that I understand and I've learned. I don't have 0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:14.440 to solve the problem. That's not what she's looking for. 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:16.440 She just wants to get it out in the open. 0:13:16.679 --> 0:13:19.560 When she does that, she feels much better. There are 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:21.720 other times I know she just needs to spend some 0:13:21.760 --> 0:13:25.079 time by herself. I'll tell her, go get your nails done, 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:27.360 go see some friends, or go up to the mall. 0:13:27.720 --> 0:13:29.440 Man an hour at the mall. She comes back a 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:35.480 totally different person. She's refreshed, rejuvenating. What am I saying? 0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:38.800 If I'm gonna have happy relationships, I got to study 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:41.280 the people God's brought into my life and give them 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:44.360 what they need, not what I need. Another way to 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:48.520 improve a relationship is be a good listener When people 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:52.559 talk to you, give them your undivided attention, look them 0:13:52.600 --> 0:13:55.200 in the eyes, and have an interest in what they're saying. 0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:58.960 These days, we're so busy and so many distractions, so 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:02.000 much multitask and going on. If we're not careful, we'll 0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:06.160 find we're really only halfway listening. When somebody's trying to 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:08.000 talk to you and you've got the computer on or 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:11.680 the TV, or you're preoccupied with something else that's sending 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:15.320 the wrong message. Learn to stop what you're doing, pause 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:18.680 a few minutes, and give them your undivided attention. So 0:14:18.720 --> 0:14:21.120 I mentioned earlier, I'll work out of my home and 0:14:21.160 --> 0:14:24.120 probably two or three times a day, my children come 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:27.200 in to say hello or to tell me something. And 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:29.880 I used to be so caught up in my work 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.800 and so determined to stay on schedule. I would do 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:35.000 just what I'm asking you not to do. I would 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:38.440 acknowledge them, but I just keep on working away. Every 0:14:38.480 --> 0:14:40.240 once in a while I say, uh huh, yes, just 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:44.080 halfway listening. But one day I realized that's sending them 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:47.360 the wrong message. With my words, I'm saying, I hear you, 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:51.800 I'm listening, but with my actions I'm communicating I'm busy 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:55.200 you're bothering me. Now I've learned to just take a 0:14:55.200 --> 0:14:58.120 two minute break, look them in the eyes, and give 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:01.600 them every ounce of energy that I can. I want 0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:04.680 to communicate to them, not just through my words, but 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:08.320 through my actions. You're important to me. I've always got 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:12.240 time for you. You're extremely valuable. Now. Our children are 0:15:12.280 --> 0:15:15.360 a lot more perceptive than we may think. They know 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:19.240 when we're halfway listening. They know when we're hurrying them along. 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:22.240 Don't send that kind of message to the people around you. 0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:26.080 There's a difference between hearing and listening. We can hear 0:15:26.120 --> 0:15:29.360 a lot of things, but when we're really listening, we're 0:15:29.400 --> 0:15:34.440 fully engaged wanting to hear. I believe part of being respectful, 0:15:34.480 --> 0:15:37.280 part of being considerate, is to learn to be a 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:41.120 good listener. This means when people are talking to you, 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:45.560 don't interrupt them. Let them finish their thoughts. You may 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:47.920 already know what they're going to say. You may have 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.720 already heard the story, but you know what, that's okay, 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:56.280 Be considerate and let them finish anyway. Maybe somebody ask 0:15:56.400 --> 0:15:58.680 you a question and you know the answer the first 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:02.000 five seconds. That tendency to jump in there and cut 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:03.960 them off. Here let me tell you what to do. No, 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:07.720 just be respectful and let them finish. It's not only 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:10.600 part of being considerate, but it makes them feel good. 0:16:11.120 --> 0:16:13.960 I've had people explain things to me, maybe asked me 0:16:14.000 --> 0:16:16.600 to pray about a situation, and they go on and 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:19.240 on and I know exactly what they're talking about, but 0:16:19.360 --> 0:16:22.760 I've realized it's important that I hear what they want 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:25.480 me to hear. When you take time to listen, it 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:27.880 just shows that you care. It shows that you're concerned. 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:30.440 Do you know how many people have told me a 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:34.360 joke that I've heard four hundred and seventy times. I 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:36.600 could easily say, well, I've heard that one before. No, 0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:39.600 I give them the joy of telling it again. And 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:41.600 I laughed like it was the first time I ever 0:16:41.640 --> 0:16:45.600 heard it, just like you do with mine. I'm so 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:48.960 in a seed. Some people have gotten into a bad 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:53.200 habit of finishing people's sentences for them. If they pause 0:16:53.280 --> 0:16:56.600 for a half second waiting for a word, they jump 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:59.240 right in there and take over. How many times have 0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:02.600 I been guilty of finishing a story that Victoria starts 0:17:03.120 --> 0:17:06.040 she's telling someone else, but because I think I can 0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:08.320 do it better, or because she will leave out one 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:11.640 little detail, I jump in and take over. But now 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:14.199 I've learned, even though I can do it better, I 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:18.760 need to let her do it, be patient, and show 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:22.359 respect by allowing people to finish their thoughts. I'm trying 0:17:22.359 --> 0:17:25.280 to improve your relationships. I think I keep making mine worse. 0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:30.119 My personality type is if I miss an hour meeting, 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:33.840 I like somebody to give me a thirty second overview. 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:36.080 I don't like to know all the details. I don't 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:38.359 want to know all the hows and whys. I just 0:17:38.400 --> 0:17:42.760 want the bottom line. Well, Victoria is exactly opposite. So 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:46.320 when she tells me something, she gives me all the details, 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:49.800 all the hidden meanings, what the people were wearing, what 0:17:49.840 --> 0:17:52.080 they had for lunch, what kind of mood they were in, 0:17:52.359 --> 0:17:56.679 what their cousin's uncle said. We're just different, and it's 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:59.600 easy for me to want to be selfish and to 0:17:59.640 --> 0:18:01.720 think I want to hear that she needs to change. 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:05.800 But I've realized that's important to her, and so when 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:09.480 she's explaining something to me, I make myself relax and 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:12.800 be at ease knowing that me taking time to hear 0:18:12.840 --> 0:18:17.159 the details is adding value to our relationships. Now, I 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:20.119 may only want a thirty second overview. And for some 0:18:20.200 --> 0:18:22.879 people in my life that may be okay. But if 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:25.800 I'm going to give Victoria what she needs, I've got 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:29.080 to adapt and be willing to change. And when people 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:32.080 are talking to you, don't make them feel in a rushed, 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:36.760 hurried like they're bothering you. No fidgeting, tapping your fingers 0:18:36.800 --> 0:18:42.080 back in a way that's communicating disapproval. By your body language, 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:44.679 you're saying I don't have time for you, you're bothering me. 0:18:45.600 --> 0:18:48.560 A while back, Victoria was telling me this story, and 0:18:48.640 --> 0:18:52.280 she started talking faster and faster, and finally she said, 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:53.760 you don't want to hear this. I can tell you're 0:18:53.840 --> 0:18:56.679 just hurrying me along. I hadn't said one word. It 0:18:56.760 --> 0:18:59.200 was my body language. I had to do what I'm 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:02.280 asking you to do. Turn off the TV, look people 0:19:02.320 --> 0:19:05.600 in the eyes, and give them your undivided attention. It's 0:19:05.600 --> 0:19:09.640 a part of respect. Another important key when you come 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:12.200 home from work or you've been away for a while 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:15.400 and you see your loved ones, what you do right 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:19.000 at the very first is the most important. Don't just 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:21.840 run through the house and go to the back and think, oh, 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:23.560 I'm tired. I don't want to talk. I've had a 0:19:23.600 --> 0:19:26.880 long day. Know the first two minutes that you see 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.880 them has more impact than spending hours with them later on. 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:33.840 If you can get in a habit of when you 0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:36.840 haven't seen the people you care about for three or 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:40.280 four hours, I've just taken the first couple of minutes 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:44.600 and giving them your undivided attention. See how they're doing, 0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:47.880 Let them know that you're interested in them. What you're 0:19:47.920 --> 0:19:51.760 saying by your actions is I missed you. You're important 0:19:51.760 --> 0:19:55.320 to me, You're valuable in my life. How many times 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:57.760 do we come home and we're not even aware of 0:19:57.800 --> 0:20:00.800 the people around us, just in pass Hey I'm back. 0:20:00.840 --> 0:20:03.080 I got to get off my feet. You take a 0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:06.600 couple of minutes, Go kiss your spouse, go hug your children. 0:20:07.040 --> 0:20:09.800 Make them a priority right when you first get home. 0:20:10.560 --> 0:20:13.399 This means when you pull up into the driveway, you 0:20:13.480 --> 0:20:16.520 need to finish that last cell phone call. Don't go 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:19.280 in the house talking on the phone, still doing business. 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.320 How many times have I sat in my garage to 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:25.600 finish a call because I know the importance of going 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:28.560 in and right at the start giving my family my 0:20:28.680 --> 0:20:31.360 undivided attention. Well, you say, Joel, I'll do it. An 0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:33.359 hour later. I'll do it after I take care of 0:20:33.359 --> 0:20:36.040 some other stuff. Know, the studies say the first two 0:20:36.080 --> 0:20:39.919 minutes has the most impact. And before you come home 0:20:40.320 --> 0:20:43.960 you need to mentally switch gears, recognize you're moving into 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:47.480 a different environment, clear your mind, take some deep breaths, 0:20:47.480 --> 0:20:51.240 and let the tension out. You have to close one door, 0:20:51.280 --> 0:20:54.600 so to speak, the stress, the pressure, the frustration, and 0:20:54.680 --> 0:20:58.479 open another door. Too often we make a mistake of 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:01.960 bringing the pressures of the day in with us. When 0:21:02.000 --> 0:21:05.040 we're stressed and we're up tight, we may not say anything, 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:08.040 but before long the whole house is filled with tension. 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:11.119 You may have had a hard day, people may not 0:21:11.160 --> 0:21:13.119 have treated you right, but you have to get in 0:21:13.119 --> 0:21:16.679 a habit of leaving that outside. I heard about this 0:21:16.800 --> 0:21:19.399 man that had a tree ripped by his back door. 0:21:19.760 --> 0:21:22.280 There was a large plant in this pot, and every 0:21:22.359 --> 0:21:24.880 day when he came home from work, he reached over 0:21:25.040 --> 0:21:27.640 and rubbed the tree. And a friend saw him and said, 0:21:27.640 --> 0:21:30.080 what in the world are you doing? He said, this 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:33.720 is my trouble tree. Before I go inside. I put 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:36.880 all my problems, all my worries, all my stress, all 0:21:36.880 --> 0:21:40.760 my frustration on this tree. And really we all need 0:21:40.760 --> 0:21:44.800 a trouble tree, even if it's an imaginary leave that outside. 0:21:45.400 --> 0:21:47.960 Have Another friend takes him an hour to get home 0:21:48.000 --> 0:21:50.639 every day, and traffic's real bad, and he's got a 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:53.000 stressful job on top of that, and he used to 0:21:53.000 --> 0:21:55.800 come home so up tight and sow pressure. But he 0:21:55.920 --> 0:21:59.520 told how he started pulling into a park right before 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:02.320 he got home and he would take five minutes to 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:05.600 just get in peace, to relax and quiet his mind. 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:09.600 What was he doing shifting gears? He knew the importance 0:22:09.640 --> 0:22:12.679 of not bringing that inside. We need to keep a 0:22:12.800 --> 0:22:17.560 peaceful atmosphere in our homes. When we're upset, stressed, worried, 0:22:17.680 --> 0:22:20.720 it affects everyone around us, some of you. If you 0:22:20.880 --> 0:22:24.040 just make a minor adjustment like this, you would see 0:22:24.080 --> 0:22:27.960 major improvements in your relationships. Instead of going home all 0:22:28.080 --> 0:22:30.800 stressed and thinking I don't want to talk. No, leave 0:22:30.840 --> 0:22:34.320 that outside. Take the first two minutes to invest in 0:22:34.359 --> 0:22:37.480 the people you love, the fact that you made them 0:22:37.480 --> 0:22:39.920 a priority, the fact that you came home in a 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:43.480 pleasant mood. It's not only setting the tone for the 0:22:43.480 --> 0:22:46.880 rest of your time together, but you're speaking volumes into 0:22:46.920 --> 0:22:50.040 their lives. And this not only works at home, can 0:22:50.119 --> 0:22:53.000 work anywhere. We have people that you care about. At 0:22:53.040 --> 0:22:55.520 the office, if you have a good friend and you've 0:22:55.560 --> 0:22:57.720 been away for four or five hours, when you come 0:22:57.800 --> 0:23:00.720 back just thirty seconds sick your head office, Hey, how's 0:23:00.760 --> 0:23:04.520 everything going. You just made a huge deposit into their life. 0:23:04.680 --> 0:23:08.679 By your actions, you're saying I really respect you. We're 0:23:08.720 --> 0:23:11.919 going to improve our relationships. We have to watch the 0:23:11.960 --> 0:23:16.199 way we say things, our voice, tones, our body language. 0:23:16.240 --> 0:23:21.320 I read where sixty percent of communication is nonverbal. That 0:23:21.400 --> 0:23:26.280 means our facial expressions, the tone we use, our body language. 0:23:26.400 --> 0:23:30.360 That's actually communicating more than even our words. You need 0:23:30.400 --> 0:23:33.360 to learn to keep a pleasant demeanor, learn to smile, 0:23:33.960 --> 0:23:37.480 and be careful the way you say things. How many 0:23:37.520 --> 0:23:40.119 times have we come home we're kind of tired and 0:23:40.160 --> 0:23:43.320 we just blurt out something very matter of fact. We 0:23:43.359 --> 0:23:46.400 don't mean to be rude, but our whole body language, 0:23:46.440 --> 0:23:50.480 our whole demeanor, the tone we used is basically saying, hey, 0:23:50.520 --> 0:23:52.800 don't bother me. I've had a hard day. Let me 0:23:52.840 --> 0:23:56.880 do my own thing. There's much more to communication than 0:23:56.880 --> 0:24:00.240 our words. We may be saying the right thing, but 0:24:00.359 --> 0:24:04.239 how we say it is equally important. Be sensitive and 0:24:04.320 --> 0:24:07.320 learn to have a pleasant tone. Of voice, especially when 0:24:07.320 --> 0:24:10.919 you're tired, especially when you're stressed. Before you answer, you 0:24:11.000 --> 0:24:13.480 need to take a deep breath and make sure you 0:24:13.600 --> 0:24:17.399 say it in a kind, respectful way. Well, you say, Joel, 0:24:17.440 --> 0:24:20.320 my personality is just a little bit stronger than yours. 0:24:20.640 --> 0:24:22.560 I just believe in telling it like it is. I'm 0:24:22.560 --> 0:24:26.720 just very straightforward. No, don't use your personality as an 0:24:26.720 --> 0:24:30.480 excuse to be rude. You can be truthful, but you 0:24:30.560 --> 0:24:34.600 can also be tactful. The Scripture says to speak the 0:24:34.680 --> 0:24:38.040 truth in love. You can say a hard thing, but 0:24:38.119 --> 0:24:40.600 if you'll say it in love with a smile on 0:24:40.640 --> 0:24:43.480 your face, people will swallow it a whole lot easier. 0:24:44.359 --> 0:24:48.159 I heard some different definitions of being tactful. Being tactful 0:24:48.640 --> 0:24:52.040 is the ability to make your point without making an enemy. 0:24:52.920 --> 0:24:55.720 Being tactful is when you tell someone to go jump 0:24:55.720 --> 0:24:58.960 in the lake and they look forward to the journey. 0:25:00.160 --> 0:25:04.760 Being tactful is changing the subject without changing your mind. 0:25:05.400 --> 0:25:08.960 And being tactful is telling someone that he's open minded 0:25:09.320 --> 0:25:11.400 when really he just has a hole in his head. 0:25:12.520 --> 0:25:15.640 There's a difference between being frank and being rude. Don't 0:25:15.680 --> 0:25:18.639 be matter of fact, don't be blunt. You have to 0:25:18.720 --> 0:25:23.040 seizon your words with salt, and before you ever correct anyone, 0:25:23.560 --> 0:25:26.359 you need to ask yourself, do I really need to 0:25:26.400 --> 0:25:29.439 say this? Is it going to benefit them? Is it 0:25:29.480 --> 0:25:32.119 going to further them down the road, or is it 0:25:32.200 --> 0:25:34.520 just going to make me feel good? I found a 0:25:34.520 --> 0:25:37.440 lot of times we say things just to prove our point. 0:25:38.320 --> 0:25:41.400 You may know someone's wrong, you may know you're right, 0:25:41.520 --> 0:25:44.640 but understand that doesn't mean you need to correct them. 0:25:45.200 --> 0:25:49.000 You have to ask yourself is it really necessary. My 0:25:49.080 --> 0:25:51.639 friend Johnny here, I've known him my whole life, and 0:25:51.840 --> 0:25:54.399 he works with us, and after the services we go 0:25:54.480 --> 0:25:57.040 up and greet the visitors. I can't tell you how 0:25:57.040 --> 0:26:00.560 many times people have told him what a great worship 0:26:00.640 --> 0:26:04.560 leader he is. They don't realize it's not Johnny, it's Steve. 0:26:05.080 --> 0:26:07.280 They think he's the one up here leading to singing. 0:26:07.320 --> 0:26:10.480 They kind of look alike. But believe me, Johnny can't sing. 0:26:10.520 --> 0:26:14.120 I've heard him. But they'll go on and on telling 0:26:14.200 --> 0:26:16.639 Johnny boy, the music was so good and we really 0:26:16.760 --> 0:26:19.480 enjoyed you up there. We've learned time and time again 0:26:19.640 --> 0:26:21.800 just to smile, say God bless you, and move on. 0:26:22.960 --> 0:26:25.639 It's not worth correcting them. It's not a big deal. 0:26:26.320 --> 0:26:29.200 After all, it's not harming them, and if anything, it's 0:26:29.240 --> 0:26:33.840 helping Johnny believe that he can sing. But so often 0:26:33.880 --> 0:26:35.960 we think we got to correct everybody, We got to 0:26:35.960 --> 0:26:38.679 straighten them out. They're wrong, let me fix them. But 0:26:38.760 --> 0:26:41.000 there are a lot of things in life that don't 0:26:41.000 --> 0:26:44.760 really matter. To keep good relationships, you got to be 0:26:44.840 --> 0:26:48.440 willing to let some things go. Don't ever correct anyone 0:26:48.680 --> 0:26:51.679 unless he's gonna benefit them and not just make you 0:26:51.720 --> 0:26:54.760 feel good. A couple of years ago, our son Jonathan 0:26:54.960 --> 0:26:57.280 made a very poor grade on one of his tests, 0:26:57.440 --> 0:26:59.760 and it's because he hadn't read his book. And I've 0:26:59.800 --> 0:27:02.560 been telling him again and again how important it was 0:27:02.760 --> 0:27:04.919 to keep up with his reading. And so when I 0:27:04.960 --> 0:27:07.479 saw him, I had my two minute speech prepared and 0:27:07.680 --> 0:27:09.320 I was gonna tell him how I told you to 0:27:09.359 --> 0:27:11.159 do this, and I told you you want go make 0:27:11.160 --> 0:27:13.480 good grace Jonathan, though when I saw me, he had 0:27:13.480 --> 0:27:15.879 both hands up, had a big smile on his face. 0:27:16.320 --> 0:27:18.480 It's hard to be mean to people that are smiling 0:27:18.520 --> 0:27:20.920 at you, he said, Daddy, you don't need to say anything. 0:27:21.000 --> 0:27:23.600 I already know. I promise I'm gonna do better next time. 0:27:24.119 --> 0:27:26.960 But my pride wanted to give my speech anyway. It 0:27:27.040 --> 0:27:29.080 was going to be good. I'd had it all prepared, 0:27:29.960 --> 0:27:32.240 but I had to just swallow that pride and say, Okay, 0:27:32.240 --> 0:27:34.840 if you promised to do better, there are a lot 0:27:34.880 --> 0:27:36.640 of things that we don't need to make a big 0:27:36.680 --> 0:27:40.000 deal about. Just let it go now. I'm asking you 0:27:40.080 --> 0:27:44.320 today to look for ways that you can improve your relationships. 0:27:44.560 --> 0:27:47.399 Maybe you can lower your voice tones a little, Maybe 0:27:47.440 --> 0:27:49.960 you can become a better listener, maybe you can say 0:27:50.000 --> 0:27:52.960 things more tactfully, or like I did with Jonathan, just 0:27:53.160 --> 0:27:56.439 let some things go. Do your part to come up 0:27:56.480 --> 0:27:59.520 higher in this area. Why don't you study the people 0:27:59.680 --> 0:28:02.520 God put in your life. Learn to give them what 0:28:03.040 --> 0:28:06.520 they need, not what you need. Remember before you get home, 0:28:06.720 --> 0:28:09.679 switch gears. Don't bring the stress and the trouble of 0:28:09.680 --> 0:28:12.359 the day with you. Leave that on your trouble tree, 0:28:12.760 --> 0:28:14.560 and then take a couple of minutes right at the 0:28:14.600 --> 0:28:17.480 first and sow into the people that you really love. 0:28:18.119 --> 0:28:20.840 I believe if you'll make some of these simple changes, 0:28:21.280 --> 0:28:24.760 you'll see major improvements. Your relationships will get better and better. 0:28:25.000 --> 0:28:28.320 You'll have more peace, more joy, more harmony in your homes, 0:28:28.359 --> 0:28:30.840 and you'll live the life of victory that God has 0:28:30.880 --> 0:28:34.159 in store. Amen, do you receive it today? I know 0:28:34.240 --> 0:28:37.959 you do well. We never like to close our broadcast 0:28:38.080 --> 0:28:40.880 without giving you an opportunity to make Jesus the lord 0:28:40.880 --> 0:28:44.440 of your life. Would you pray with me? Just say, Lord, Jesus, 0:28:45.480 --> 0:28:49.600 I repent of my sins. Come into my heart. I 0:28:49.800 --> 0:28:53.360 make you my Lord and savior. Friends, if you prayed 0:28:53.360 --> 0:28:56.160 that simple prayer, we believe you got born again. Get 0:28:56.200 --> 0:28:59.080 in a good Bible based church, Keep God first place. 0:28:59.280 --> 0:29:01.600 He's going to take you places you've never dreamed of. 0:29:02.320 --> 0:29:05.760 Thank you for listening to the joel Ostine podcast. Help 0:29:05.840 --> 0:29:08.560 us continue to share the message of hope with those 0:29:08.680 --> 0:29:12.560 all over the world. Visit joelostin dot com slash give 0:29:12.640 --> 0:29:14.320 Hope to give a gift today. 0:29:15.600 --> 0:29:18.520 Thanks so much for listening to today's message. I hope 0:29:18.520 --> 0:29:21.920 you'll subscribe so you can receive the latest podcast to 0:29:22.000 --> 0:29:25.200 keep you inspired all through the week. We're praying for you. 0:29:25.360 --> 0:29:27.840 I know God's best is still ahead. We'll see you 0:29:27.880 --> 0:29:28.400 next time.