Having Realistic Expectations In Relationships

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That's code iHeart fifty when 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:27.280 you sign up at unest dot co for a fifty 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:30.120 dollars bonus. See terms and conditions at UNEs dot co. 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:33.040 Hi, this is Joel and Victoria. 0:01:33.080 --> 0:01:36.120 Thanks for listening to our podcast and thanks for supporting 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:36.800 the ministry. 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:39.280 If you enjoy today's message, why don't you be a 0:01:39.319 --> 0:01:40.840 blessing and share it with a friend. 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:43.880 We appreciate you and pray for God's very best in 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:48.080 your life. 0:01:55.720 --> 0:01:58.720 For God bless you so joy to come into your home. 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:00.000 We love you. 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:02.320 We know God has good things in store for you. 0:02:02.560 --> 0:02:05.400 He rewards the people that seek after Him. I believe 0:02:05.440 --> 0:02:06.920 that's you, or you wouldn't have tuned in, or you 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:08.160 wouldn't come out today. 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:10.440 But thank you so much. It's just great to have 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:10.840 you here. 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:13.160 I like to start with something funny each week, and 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:15.440 I heard about this husband and wife. 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:16.560 They'd been arguing. 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:19.960 Now they were giving each other the silent treatment. The 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:22.200 man had to catch a flight early the next day, 0:02:22.240 --> 0:02:24.440 and he needed his wife to wake him up at 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:27.560 five in the morning. Not wanting to break the silence, 0:02:27.960 --> 0:02:29.840 he just wrote a note and put it by the 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:32.359 side of her bed that said, please wake me up 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:35.280 at five. The next morning, he woke up at eight 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:37.880 in the morning. He was furious that he had missed 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:40.040 his flight. He went back in to find out why 0:02:40.080 --> 0:02:42.359 his wife didn't wake him up, and he noticed a 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:44.320 little piece of paper by the side of his bed. 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:46.960 He opened it up and it said, wake up. It's five. 0:02:49.000 --> 0:02:51.760 All right, Hold up your Bible. Say it like you 0:02:51.840 --> 0:02:55.280 mean it. This is my Bible. I am what it says. 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:58.360 I am. I have what it says I have. I 0:02:58.400 --> 0:03:01.120 can do what it says I can do. Today I 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:04.679 will be taught the word of God. I boldly confess 0:03:05.240 --> 0:03:08.239 my mind is alert, my heart is receptive. 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:12.360 I will never be the same. In Jesus' name, God 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:12.880 bless you. 0:03:13.680 --> 0:03:15.960 I want to talk to you today about having the 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:21.400 right expectations in your relationships. Too often we expect the 0:03:21.440 --> 0:03:26.000 people in our lives, to perform perfectly, to never disappoint us, 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:29.840 to always be there for us. Especially in our marriages, 0:03:30.280 --> 0:03:32.960 we expect our mate to cheer us up when we're down, 0:03:33.480 --> 0:03:37.400 to always be understanding, always be loving and kind. But 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:42.760 really those are unrealistic expectations. There's no such thing as 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:47.240 the perfect spouse, perfect boss, the perfect friend. No matter 0:03:47.280 --> 0:03:50.240 how much those people love you, no matter how good 0:03:50.240 --> 0:03:53.240 of a person they are, at some point, they're going 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:54.080 to disappoint you. 0:03:54.480 --> 0:03:55.200 At some point. 0:03:55.240 --> 0:03:58.280 Most likely, they're going to hurt your feelings. And it 0:03:58.320 --> 0:03:59.960 doesn't mean that they're bad people. 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:01.040 They're just human. 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:04.800 And if we're going to have good relationships, we have 0:04:04.920 --> 0:04:07.839 to let people off the hook. We have to give 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:10.960 them room to make mistakes, to have a bad day 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:13.840 once in a while. We have to realize they may 0:04:13.840 --> 0:04:17.640 not always be sensitive to our needs. You may spend 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:20.080 a couple of hours cooking dinner one night and not 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:22.839 one of your family members thanks you. Or maybe you 0:04:22.920 --> 0:04:25.680 have a friend you went out of your way to 0:04:25.839 --> 0:04:28.159 include him, to make him a part of your group, 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:31.279 but then he turns around and leaves you out, includes 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:35.839 everybody except you. People will disappoint us, and many times 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:39.840 when these things happen, instead of letting it go realizing 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:42.680 that's just a part of life, we start to get 0:04:42.720 --> 0:04:47.600 resentful toward that person. We start treating them differently. Before long, 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:48.720 we're a little cold. 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:51.680 We don't show them the respect that we really should. 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:55.120 And it's these little things that are the seeds that 0:04:55.200 --> 0:04:59.039 begin to destroy our relationships. It all started because we 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:03.560 had un realistic expectations. But we have to accept the 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:07.720 fact that nobody is perfect, and the people you're in 0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:12.200 relationship with probably have a few things about their personality 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:13.799 that can get on your nerves. 0:05:14.200 --> 0:05:15.840 A few things that can irritate you. 0:05:16.320 --> 0:05:19.920 Maybe your husband is a little sloppy, leaves clothes on 0:05:19.960 --> 0:05:23.280 the floor, or you have a friend that's always running late. 0:05:23.520 --> 0:05:25.680 You get there on time, but then you have to wait, 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:29.000 Or maybe somebody at the office has a loud voice 0:05:29.360 --> 0:05:32.080 when they talk on the phone, it just booms out 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:33.440 through the whole workplace kind. 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:34.359 Of gets on your nerves. 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:38.359 Well, you have to ask yourself does the benefit of 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:42.480 being in relationship with that person outweigh the irritations. 0:05:43.040 --> 0:05:45.440 If it does, you need to make adjustments. 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:49.320 You have to train yourself to focus on the things 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:52.400 you like about that person and not the things you 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:56.560 don't like. Most of the time you'll find one hundred 0:05:56.600 --> 0:06:01.159 good qualities and only a few things that you But 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:04.480 if we're not careful, we'll focus on the irritations and 0:06:04.520 --> 0:06:08.080 the things we don't like, and that's what poisons relationships. 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:11.520 I know this lady. Her husband has a habit of 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:15.520 chewing ice. He constantly has ice in his mouth. Everywhere 0:06:15.560 --> 0:06:18.960 he goes, at home, watching TV, driving in the car, 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:21.600 he's chomping on that ice, just a little quirk something 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:25.000 he likes to do, and she can't stand it gets 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:29.239 her so uptight. She is complained and complained, and he's 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:32.360 tried to stop a couple of times. He's quit, then 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:35.400 he starts right back up again. She's so frustrated by it. 0:06:36.120 --> 0:06:40.000 And here her husband is a good man, a loving man, 0:06:40.120 --> 0:06:43.880 he's got all these great qualities, but she's allowing this 0:06:44.000 --> 0:06:48.280 one irritation to upset her and start to make her 0:06:48.320 --> 0:06:51.600 resentful toward that man. And I told her what I'm 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:55.680 telling you. You're focused on the wrong things. You're expecting 0:06:55.720 --> 0:06:58.719 that man to be perfect, not have any flaws. 0:06:59.080 --> 0:07:00.000 That's not realistic. 0:07:01.040 --> 0:07:03.920 You have to give the people in your life the 0:07:03.960 --> 0:07:08.320 grace to be human. Remember the reasons why you married 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:11.480 that man, Remember the reasons you fell in love with 0:07:11.520 --> 0:07:15.520 that young lady. Focus on those qualities and learn to 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:16.800 overlook the things. 0:07:16.600 --> 0:07:17.200 You don't like. 0:07:17.920 --> 0:07:19.800 I'm sure there's a time you can talk to them 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:22.920 about it. You can express your concerns. But even if 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:26.360 they never change, we should not allow a little quirk 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:30.560 in somebody's personality to cause us to be resentful and 0:07:30.640 --> 0:07:33.760 lose the respect and admiration we had for that person. 0:07:34.200 --> 0:07:36.400 If they don't change, you're going to have to change 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:37.000 your approach. 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:39.000 You got to change the way you deal with it. 0:07:39.840 --> 0:07:42.200 I remember one time when I was younger, I went 0:07:42.240 --> 0:07:45.040 to a summer camp and my roommate was one of 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:48.200 my best friends. We stayed in this little dormitory together 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:52.480 and we always got along. We played sports together, hung 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:56.080 together after school. And at this camp, he brought along 0:07:56.280 --> 0:08:00.600 hystereo system and he had this favorite song that he 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:02.840 played over and over again. 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:04.320 I don't mean one time. 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:07.640 Every time we were in the room or even near 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:08.440 the room. 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:09.480 He would put the song on. 0:08:10.200 --> 0:08:12.880 And at first it didn't bother me. We were at camp, 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:16.559 no big deal, we were having fun. But after about 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:19.000 the fourth day that started to get on my nerves. 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:22.440 I must have heard that song five hundred times. I 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:25.400 could practically hear it in my sleep. It was by 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:27.920 a popular Christian artist. I thought if I saw the 0:08:27.960 --> 0:08:30.400 God probably wring his neck. I was sick of that 0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:35.560 song and my personality type, especially back then, I would 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:38.760 never confront anybody. And even though I never said anything 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:41.600 about it down in here, I was so irritated. Every 0:08:41.600 --> 0:08:43.520 time I'd go to our room, he'd come in turn 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:46.040 the song on. I'd tried to hint, hey, won't we 0:08:46.080 --> 0:08:48.640 listen to something else? Oh, no, Joe, I really like this. 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:49.280 You don't mind? 0:08:49.280 --> 0:08:49.640 Do yet? 0:08:49.720 --> 0:08:49.760 No? 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:53.800 I don't mind a bit. I was lying through my teeth. 0:08:54.840 --> 0:08:57.959 And what's interesting is instead of just being honest and 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:00.760 say yeah, I'm ready for something new, the way I 0:09:00.840 --> 0:09:04.520 responded is by treating him differently. The rest of the camp, 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:07.880 I didn't hang out with him on purpose. I avoided him. 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:10.520 When I did see him, I was cold. I wasn't 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:14.920 my friendly self. I allowed that one irritation to come. 0:09:14.760 --> 0:09:15.800 Between the two of us. 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:19.120 After camp, we went back to being best friends. Hung 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:21.800 out the rest of the summer. For so often we 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:25.640 do just what I did we focus on a small irritation, 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:29.640 we let it get under our skin, and before long 0:09:29.920 --> 0:09:33.319 we lose sight of all the other great qualities about 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:36.840 that person and we start to resent them. The truth 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:40.080 be known, most of the time, it's not something in 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:43.800 the big picture of life that's even worth losing a 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:47.200 relationship over. I know if I'd been honest with him, 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:49.719 he would have quit playing that song. And even if 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:52.839 he didn't, I could have overlooked it. I could have changed, 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:56.320 I could have made adjustments. After all, it wasn't harming me. 0:09:57.160 --> 0:10:00.360 I just made the mistake of focusing on it. And 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:04.360 what we focus on, we magnify. It becomes bigger than 0:10:04.400 --> 0:10:07.600 it really is. And that's why it's so important that 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:11.000 you learn to focus on the good qualities of the 0:10:11.000 --> 0:10:14.760 people you're in relationship with. Every person has things that 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:17.160 can get on our nerves. You may think, man, I 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:19.280 wish I was married to him, I wish I was 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:23.160 married to her. She looks so nice, he looks so perfect. No, 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:26.120 you wouldn't be around them for a few days before 0:10:26.160 --> 0:10:28.760 you found something that kind of irritated you. But the 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:32.400 difference would be most of the time you just overlook it. See, 0:10:32.440 --> 0:10:37.680 when we're dating, when something's new, we don't necessarily magnify 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:38.360 the negative. 0:10:38.800 --> 0:10:41.840 We focus on what we like. We see all the 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:45.120 person's good qualities. But it's kind of sad to say. 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:48.480 Many times when we get married we change our focus 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:50.360 and we think, man, I didn't know he did. 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:52.480 This or that, or she's got false he's got fault. 0:10:53.320 --> 0:10:55.960 But if we're going to really have good marriages, we 0:10:56.000 --> 0:10:59.000 need to live like we were still dating. If we'd 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:02.400 put forth the same effort to keep that person that 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:04.800 we did to get the person, I'm sure we'd have 0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:07.840 a lot better relationships. We'd have a lot less breakups. 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.120 I mean, when you were dating that girl could do 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:14.199 no wrong, you'd go anywhere with her. In your mind, 0:11:14.240 --> 0:11:17.760 that guy, he had no faults. I remember when Victoria 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:20.199 and I were dating. I would go shopping with her 0:11:20.320 --> 0:11:24.000 all the time, follow her around, carry her bags, as 0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:27.000 happy as can be. Now she can't even talk me 0:11:27.040 --> 0:11:30.800 into going to Walgreens with her. One time when we 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:32.720 were dating, we were driving down the road on our 0:11:32.760 --> 0:11:36.000 way somewhere, and Victoria saw this new, big office building 0:11:36.040 --> 0:11:38.480 that had just been built. She said, Joel, let's pull 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:40.719 in there and go look at the lobby. Sure, enough, 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:42.200 we'd pulled in there, looked at the lobby. 0:11:42.559 --> 0:11:43.040 She said that. 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:45.560 To me today, I would think, Victoria, are you feeling okay? 0:11:47.840 --> 0:11:50.840 Some of you can remember back when your husband used 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:53.880 to take you to the high school football games on 0:11:53.960 --> 0:11:57.360 Friday nights in his souped up car, had those big 0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:00.200 wide tires on the back. Well, you shouldn't treat him 0:12:00.200 --> 0:12:05.760 any differently just because he's wearing those tires. I'm too 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:10.640 nice to say anything about the lady. But what I'm 0:12:10.679 --> 0:12:14.360 saying husband's wives don't focus on. 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:17.560 Each other's faults. Let's live like we were still dating. 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:21.240 The scripture says here in Romans twelve sixteen that we 0:12:21.360 --> 0:12:24.920 need to adapt and adjust in order to keep the peace. 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:28.240 Some of you, it's you just start making some adjustments, 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:32.240 not focusing on the other people's faults, not magnifying what 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.160 you don't like about them, and instead give them some 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:39.360 grace instead overlooks some things. If you do that, I 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:41.720 know you would enjoy your life a whole lot more. 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:44.680 But a lot of times this goes against the grain. 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:47.120 We think, well, Joel, I don't want to adapt. I 0:12:47.240 --> 0:12:48.559 want my husband to change. 0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:50.040 He's the one leaving the. 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.160 Dirty clothes on the floor. When he picks him up, 0:12:52.200 --> 0:12:54.760 then I'll be happy. Now, sometimes you're going to have 0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:57.600 to just swallow your pride, pick it up and move on. 0:12:58.280 --> 0:12:58.800 Here's the key. 0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:00.720 You got to do it with a good addeditud. You 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:02.679 can't go back and find them and just say I 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:04.240 want you to know I picked up your clothes one 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:07.440 more time, or just let it go. Don't make a 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:10.280 big deal about it. Really, it boils down to this. 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:14.240 If you're going to be in relationship with anyone, no 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:16.840 matter how loving and kind, you're going to have to 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:20.320 put up with some things. Quit expecting the people in 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:21.520 your life to be perfect. 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:23.119 Quit letting little. 0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:26.160 Irritations get under your skin. That's just a part of life. 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:29.720 Another thing we should understand is just as other people 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:33.240 have faults, we have faults, just as they do things 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.760 that irritate us. I'm sure we do some things that 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:38.360 irritate them. It's all what we choose to focus on. 0:13:38.960 --> 0:13:43.640 And if you live with these unrealistic expectations, thinking my spouse, 0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:47.560 my friends, and my kids, they're never going to disappoint me, 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:50.480 never irritate me. They'll be there to meet every one 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:54.000 of my needs. All you're doing is setting yourself up 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:58.720 for disappointment, because that's impossible. No one person can meet 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:01.760 all your needs and keep you happy. You would have 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:05.480 a lot better relationships if you would take the pressure 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:08.200 off of these people and quit making them feel like 0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:11.319 they got to perform perfectly or they're gonna fall out 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:14.760 of your good grace. A better approach is to say, no, 0:14:15.080 --> 0:14:18.080 I know they're human. I love this man, I love 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:20.680 this lady. They've got great qualities. But I know at 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:23.640 one point or another, they're gonna disappoint me. They may 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:24.680 hurt my feelings. 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:25.560 I know they're not. 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:27.400 Gonna be able to meet every one of my needs. 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:30.920 And I've already decided though, the benefits of being in 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:35.200 relationship with them far outweigh these little irritations, So I'm 0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:37.880 not gonna focus on those things. I'm gonna focus on 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:40.920 the good qualities. I really believe this is a key. 0:14:41.600 --> 0:14:44.359 Victoria and I have been married going on twenty years. 0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:47.800 I have never once heard her ever say anything negative 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:51.440 about me, and I know sometimes I get on her nerves. 0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:55.280 Sometimes I'm caught up in my world, doing my thing, 0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:59.080 writing my sermons. But she always sees the best in me. 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:02.520 I here to tell people all the time, Joy is 0:15:02.560 --> 0:15:05.640 the most perfect husband you can ever find. I know 0:15:05.760 --> 0:15:11.000 she's either lying or calling it by faith, but my 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:14.960 point is she doesn't focus on what she doesn't like. 0:15:15.160 --> 0:15:16.480 She focuses on the good. 0:15:17.240 --> 0:15:20.440 We all need to learn to magnify the good things 0:15:20.480 --> 0:15:22.640 and the people that we love and the. 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:23.600 Things that we don't like. 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:26.640 Let's learn to overlook those things. Don't dwell on it. 0:15:27.160 --> 0:15:31.760 Understand we can't change people. Only God can. You can 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:35.520 nag that man or woman night and day, complain and 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:38.400 give them the cold shoulder, but all that's gonna do 0:15:38.560 --> 0:15:42.200 is make your life miserable. Don't be a complainer, Don't 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:44.480 be a nag. Don't go around telling that person what 0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:45.880 you don't like night and day. 0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:47.320 Just let it go. 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:49.880 I mean, you have to realize some of the little 0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:53.040 irritations that people have, they may have that their whole lifetime, 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:55.520 that may be with them till the day they die. 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:56.800 You've got to choose. 0:15:57.000 --> 0:15:59.600 Am I gonna let this upset me cause me to 0:15:59.600 --> 0:16:03.280 be resis tentful toward them and sour my relationship? Or 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:05.480 Am I going to take a better approach and just 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:06.360 overlook it? 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:08.400 Am I gonna let it go? You don't have to 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:09.360 let it upset you. 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:13.080 And when you're with your friends, don't ever say anything 0:16:13.120 --> 0:16:16.720 negative about your spouse, no matter how upset you are 0:16:16.960 --> 0:16:20.080 or what they've done. Don't call your friends and say, well, 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:21.880 let me tell you this about my husband. 0:16:22.160 --> 0:16:23.760 Can you believe what my wife did? 0:16:24.120 --> 0:16:27.320 She's sow this, she's so that she gets on my nerves. No, 0:16:27.320 --> 0:16:31.400 no matter how frustrated you are, don't portray them in 0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:34.480 a negative light. When you talk bad about your spouse, 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:35.040 it just. 0:16:34.960 --> 0:16:35.960 Makes you look bad. 0:16:36.320 --> 0:16:39.320 Comes right back on you, not only that you're sowing 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:43.160 the wrong kinds of seeds. You should be your spouse's 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:49.840 biggest encourager, biggest defender, biggest ally biggest fans. You should 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:52.760 make them look like they're the greatest person in the world. 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:55.000 And they may not be right now. 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:58.240 But the scripture says in Romans that we overcome evil 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:02.920 with good, have good things on the inside, and we 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:05.400 have some things that are not so good. And when 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:08.200 you're a nag and you just focus on the negative, 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:10.800 all you're gonna do is draw the negative out of 0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:13.680 that person. If you want to help them come up higher, 0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:18.200 start focusing on the good. When you magnify the good 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:22.320 and you encourage your spouse and appreciate and praise them 0:17:22.359 --> 0:17:23.439 for the things you like. 0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:25.680 Not only will you draw out the. 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:28.520 Good, but that's a seed that God will use to 0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:32.320 change the negative things. But we don't overcome evil by 0:17:32.320 --> 0:17:36.760 getting resentful, holding a grudge, being upset. We overcome evil 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:41.320 by staying in peace, by magnifying what's right, by focusing 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:45.480 on a person's good qualities. If we're gonna have healthy relationships, 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:48.800 we need to be secure some of you today. You 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:52.640 need to toughen up. Quit getting your feelings hurt so easily. 0:17:53.200 --> 0:17:56.000 Don't be so sensitive that people have to walk on 0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:59.560 egg shells around you, afraid they're gonna upset you. Afraid 0:17:59.560 --> 0:18:02.679 they're gonna do something wrong. Now, that's a sign of 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:06.760 a very insecure person. And insecure people are some of 0:18:06.760 --> 0:18:10.480 the most difficult to be in relationship with. They've always 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:14.000 got to have somebody that keeps them quote fixed. By that, 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:16.960 I mean, if you don't cheer them up and compliment 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:19.840 them all day long, then they're gonna get all down. 0:18:20.320 --> 0:18:23.600 The slightest little thing, they're gonna get their feelings hurt. Now, 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:27.359 if that's you, you've got to change. Quit relying on 0:18:27.400 --> 0:18:30.160 the people around you to keep you happy and start 0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:34.159 keeping yourself happy, And don't be a baby. Just because 0:18:34.160 --> 0:18:36.320 somebody didn't speak to you one morning. 0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:38.400 That doesn't mean they don't love you. 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:41.639 Maybe they were having a bad day, maybe they had 0:18:41.640 --> 0:18:44.120 a lot on their mind. You've got to show them 0:18:44.160 --> 0:18:47.159 a little bit of mercy. Even if they were rude, 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:49.680 even if they did it on purpose, that's okay. 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:50.639 They're human. 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:54.440 Sometimes, I'm sure we're rude. When people hurt our feelings, 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:57.200 we need to ask ourselves. Have I ever hurt somebody's 0:18:57.200 --> 0:19:00.240 feelings when we are irritated by them? 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:00.639 Well? 0:19:00.680 --> 0:19:02.440 Have I ever irritated somebody? 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:05.080 Sure? We all have, But that doesn't mean we don't 0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:08.280 love each other. Doesn't mean we're not good people. I 0:19:08.320 --> 0:19:12.200 mean Victoria, you cannot find a more loving, caring person. 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:15.080 But sometimes she gets on my nerves. 0:19:16.119 --> 0:19:18.959 The two things I always remind myself, Number one, I 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:22.399 get on her nerves, and number two, the benefits of 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:26.240 being in relationship with her outweigh the irritations most of 0:19:26.280 --> 0:19:31.520 the time. Why don't you take the pressure off the 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:34.600 people in your life? Why don't you quit making them 0:19:34.640 --> 0:19:37.760 feel like they've got to perform perfectly or you're not 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:40.560 going to be happy the next time your spouse comes 0:19:40.560 --> 0:19:43.480 home a little tired and he's kind of short with you. 0:19:44.160 --> 0:19:47.320 Instead of letting that sour you and ruin the rest 0:19:47.400 --> 0:19:49.600 of the evening, why don't you give him the benefit 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:52.640 of the doubt. Just have that attitude all no big deal. 0:19:52.880 --> 0:19:55.640 I know he loves me, he's just having a hard day. 0:19:55.760 --> 0:19:58.280 I'm gonna let it go. When you do that, you're 0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:00.880 gonna draw the good out of him, not the negative. 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:02.880 I talked to a lady the other day. 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:06.800 She's been married for over forty years and her husband 0:20:06.920 --> 0:20:09.800 is not a big gift giver. In fact, in those 0:20:09.840 --> 0:20:13.000 forty years, he's only brought her flowers a couple of times, 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:16.320 and for her birthday and special occasions, he doesn't give 0:20:16.320 --> 0:20:16.840 her a gift. 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:18.240 He just gives her a card. 0:20:18.720 --> 0:20:21.560 And I was amazed at this lady's attitude that didn't 0:20:21.560 --> 0:20:22.160 bother her. 0:20:22.520 --> 0:20:25.080 She was as happy as can be. She said, Joel, 0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:27.359 my husband treats me like a queen. 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:30.440 I know I can buy whatever I want during the year, 0:20:30.800 --> 0:20:33.240 and I've just accepted the fact that he's not a 0:20:33.280 --> 0:20:35.959 big gift giver. And I thought, lady, that is a 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.280 mature attitude. I would try that on Victoria, but I 0:20:39.320 --> 0:20:43.480 may not be here next year. But what she was 0:20:43.520 --> 0:20:46.760 saying is, I'm not going to let this little quirk 0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:49.919 in his personality offend me. I'm not going to let 0:20:49.960 --> 0:20:52.840 the fact that he doesn't buy me gifts cause me 0:20:52.920 --> 0:20:56.320 to be resentful toward him and start treating him differently. 0:20:56.359 --> 0:20:58.200 No, I know he loves me. I'm just going to 0:20:58.320 --> 0:20:59.560 enjoy my life anyway. 0:21:00.160 --> 0:21:03.560 See, she recognized that's something she had to overlook. She 0:21:03.680 --> 0:21:06.560 had to adapt and make adjustments in order to keep 0:21:06.560 --> 0:21:09.080 to peace. But some people today, as I said, if 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:11.360 you don't stroke them all day long and keep them 0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:14.560 encouraged and complimented, they're so easily offended. 0:21:15.160 --> 0:21:17.399 Well, my husband, he doesn't love me. Didn't tell me today. 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:19.960 My wife, she didn't do this or that. No, some 0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:24.160 people are just different. Don't allow that to sour your relationship. 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:27.520 And sure, there's a time to confront, there's a time 0:21:27.600 --> 0:21:29.879 to bring things to light and say, hey, you know what, 0:21:29.920 --> 0:21:32.120 this is kind of hurting my feelings. But what if 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:34.680 people don't change, or what if they change for a 0:21:34.720 --> 0:21:36.359 little while and then they go right back. 0:21:36.200 --> 0:21:37.160 To their old ways. 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:39.440 Well that's when you have to dig your heels in 0:21:39.600 --> 0:21:42.160 and say, you know what, I am secure in who 0:21:42.240 --> 0:21:45.680 I am. And I realized my husband, my wife, my friends, 0:21:46.080 --> 0:21:48.760 they love me, but they may not be able to 0:21:48.760 --> 0:21:51.160 give me everything I need. So I'm going to start 0:21:51.240 --> 0:21:55.320 trusting God. Some of you today, though, you're expecting another 0:21:55.400 --> 0:21:59.160 person to keep you fixed. When you're discouraged, a friend 0:21:59.200 --> 0:22:02.160 has to come cheer you up. When you're mad, your 0:22:02.200 --> 0:22:04.600 wife has to calm you down, or when the boss 0:22:04.640 --> 0:22:07.399 has been negative towards you, your husband has to smooth 0:22:07.400 --> 0:22:09.960 everything over. And if they don't keep you fixed, you 0:22:10.000 --> 0:22:12.600 get all irritable. You're no fun to be around. But no, 0:22:12.680 --> 0:22:17.120 here's the key. Your joy is your own personal responsibility. 0:22:17.640 --> 0:22:21.480 Quit making your spouse, your friends, your parents keep you happy. 0:22:21.680 --> 0:22:23.639 That's not fair to those other people. 0:22:24.200 --> 0:22:27.040 If you're always depending on someone else to keep you 0:22:27.160 --> 0:22:30.359 encouraged and keep you fixed, sooner or later, they're gonna 0:22:30.400 --> 0:22:33.440 let you down. Sooner or later, they're gonna disappoint you. 0:22:33.480 --> 0:22:35.359 They're gonna have their own problems, they're not going to 0:22:35.440 --> 0:22:38.919 be available, and if you're not careful, you'll start blaming 0:22:39.000 --> 0:22:41.720 them and thinking they're the reason. 0:22:41.520 --> 0:22:42.600 That I can't be happy. 0:22:42.960 --> 0:22:46.919 Now, you've got to keep yourself happy. People will disappoint you. 0:22:47.520 --> 0:22:50.400 People are not always going to be sensitive to your needs. 0:22:50.680 --> 0:22:52.880 So instead of running to people, you need to learn 0:22:52.920 --> 0:22:55.160 to run to God and just say God, I realize 0:22:55.160 --> 0:22:58.360 these people can't keep me fixed. I'm asking for your strength, 0:22:59.040 --> 0:23:04.600 for your joy, for your encouragement. Sometimes we're trying to 0:23:04.640 --> 0:23:07.160 get something from someone that they're not able to give. 0:23:07.760 --> 0:23:09.479 You can't give away what you don't have. 0:23:10.320 --> 0:23:13.800 Some people never got the love, the acceptance, the approval, 0:23:14.080 --> 0:23:16.680 the affirmation they should have when they were growing up. 0:23:17.160 --> 0:23:20.120 And if a person wasn't raised in a healthy environment 0:23:20.560 --> 0:23:23.000 where they saw the right things modeled, they may not 0:23:23.119 --> 0:23:27.360 have that to give away. For instance, in communication, if 0:23:27.400 --> 0:23:30.560 all they saw were their parents living together with no 0:23:30.680 --> 0:23:35.280 real relationship, well that's just normal to them. Sure they 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:37.800 can change over time, but you cannot expect them to 0:23:37.840 --> 0:23:41.240 be a great communicator and meet all of your emotional needs. 0:23:41.440 --> 0:23:43.320 They may not have that to give away. 0:23:43.680 --> 0:23:47.400 You shouldn't fault them, you shouldn't be resentful, Just recognize 0:23:47.480 --> 0:23:50.880 they never learned that. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. 0:23:51.440 --> 0:23:53.840 They can learn it over time. But what I'm saying 0:23:53.960 --> 0:23:57.720 is no one person, no matter how well rounded, no 0:23:57.760 --> 0:24:01.600 matter how loving and kind. One person cannot meet all 0:24:01.640 --> 0:24:05.159 of your needs, and you should not pressure them and 0:24:05.240 --> 0:24:08.280 try to make them keep you happy all the time. 0:24:08.720 --> 0:24:09.680 That's never gonna work. 0:24:09.720 --> 0:24:12.440 You have to keep yourself happy. I know I came 0:24:12.480 --> 0:24:15.840 from a healthy environment. I grew up with loving parents 0:24:16.359 --> 0:24:19.159 and a loving home, and I felt very secure. But 0:24:19.240 --> 0:24:23.200 I realize even now I cannot meet all of Victoria's needs. 0:24:23.640 --> 0:24:27.199 We all only have so many strengths. The truth is, 0:24:27.400 --> 0:24:30.399 Victoria is much deeper than I am. She likes to 0:24:30.440 --> 0:24:34.560 figure things out, talk about history and how things are 0:24:34.600 --> 0:24:36.440 the way they are and why they work. 0:24:37.119 --> 0:24:37.320 You know. 0:24:37.440 --> 0:24:40.439 Sometimes we'll be watching TV at night and she'll go 0:24:40.560 --> 0:24:43.840 deep into the storyline, tell me all kinds of things 0:24:43.840 --> 0:24:45.919 that are happening, and why this character's doing this, and 0:24:45.960 --> 0:24:48.679 why this guy's doing that. I'm thinking to myself, is 0:24:48.680 --> 0:24:52.040 she watching the same movie I am? I don't see 0:24:52.080 --> 0:24:54.360 any of that. I mean, I'm not that deep. This 0:24:54.400 --> 0:24:58.199 is about as deep as I get. But isn't it 0:24:58.240 --> 0:25:02.040 funny how God you puts you with somebody this opposite 0:25:02.040 --> 0:25:04.800 than you are. This may surprise you, but I'm not 0:25:04.880 --> 0:25:08.760 a big talker. I'm naturally quiet and reserved, and of 0:25:08.760 --> 0:25:13.760 course I know in relationships communication is essential, but there 0:25:13.760 --> 0:25:16.160 are some nights, especially when I'm tired and I don't 0:25:16.200 --> 0:25:19.480 feel like talking. Victoria wants to talk. Well, she doesn't 0:25:19.520 --> 0:25:23.439 get upset and offended at me. She realizes that's not 0:25:23.520 --> 0:25:27.359 one of my main strengths. Instead of being resentful toward me. 0:25:27.560 --> 0:25:29.840 If she wants to talk, she'll go call her friend, 0:25:30.160 --> 0:25:31.240 She'll go call her mother. 0:25:31.400 --> 0:25:32.960 They can talk an hour about nothing. 0:25:35.200 --> 0:25:38.760 I hear in there, laughing, having fun. The point I'm 0:25:38.800 --> 0:25:42.920 making is quit pressure in your spouse or some other 0:25:43.000 --> 0:25:46.520 person to try to meet all your needs. That's impossible, 0:25:46.760 --> 0:25:49.080 and the sooner you let them off the hook, the 0:25:49.119 --> 0:25:51.439 better off you're both going to be. One thing I 0:25:51.480 --> 0:25:54.920 appreciate about Victoria is she doesn't pressure me and try 0:25:54.960 --> 0:25:57.760 to change me into something that I'm not. She doesn't 0:25:57.760 --> 0:26:01.080 make me feel guilty because I'm not quote keeping her 0:26:01.119 --> 0:26:05.520 fixed all the time. She recognizes my strengths, the areas 0:26:05.520 --> 0:26:07.959 that I'm good in and the areas where I'm weaker. 0:26:08.000 --> 0:26:10.400 She recognizes I may not be able to meet her 0:26:10.400 --> 0:26:13.200 needs in those areas. Some of you may be living 0:26:13.240 --> 0:26:15.760 with somebody that's never gonna talk as much as you 0:26:15.800 --> 0:26:16.320 would like. 0:26:16.760 --> 0:26:19.240 But that's just not who he is or who she. 0:26:19.480 --> 0:26:22.359 Is, and you shouldn't fault him, you shouldn't resent them. 0:26:22.680 --> 0:26:25.080 You have to accept the fact not one person can 0:26:25.119 --> 0:26:28.080 meet all my needs. And I'm certainly not saying to 0:26:28.119 --> 0:26:32.359 get involved inappropriately outside of your marriage. What I'm talking 0:26:32.359 --> 0:26:35.920 about is not pressuring one person to try to keep 0:26:35.960 --> 0:26:38.160 you happy and to possibly give. 0:26:38.000 --> 0:26:39.760 You something that they can't even give you. 0:26:39.520 --> 0:26:42.080 You've got to go to God ask him for his help, 0:26:42.560 --> 0:26:45.879 But don't be resentful toward that person and start treating 0:26:45.920 --> 0:26:49.760 them differently. You have to make allowances for each other's weaknesses, 0:26:50.119 --> 0:26:53.639 and remember, most likely the good qualities far outweigh the 0:26:53.680 --> 0:26:56.480 negative qualities. But I know a lady right now. She 0:26:56.680 --> 0:26:58.480 lives to try to change her husband. 0:26:59.000 --> 0:27:00.560 She's very out gone. 0:27:00.680 --> 0:27:03.840 She loves being around people, loves being at social events, 0:27:04.119 --> 0:27:07.040 but her husband is just the opposite. He'd much rather 0:27:07.080 --> 0:27:09.800 be at home alone with his family than out with 0:27:09.840 --> 0:27:13.000 a bunch of people, and for years this has frustrated her. 0:27:13.040 --> 0:27:15.520 That's all she focuses on. If I can just get 0:27:15.520 --> 0:27:17.760 my husband to come out of his shell, I can 0:27:17.840 --> 0:27:19.960 just get him to be a little more outgoing, then 0:27:20.000 --> 0:27:22.719 we'll really be happy. Then we'll start enjoying our lives. 0:27:23.359 --> 0:27:27.000 But sometimes that's just not who that other person is. 0:27:27.520 --> 0:27:30.560 If you're constantly trying to change him, you're going to 0:27:30.560 --> 0:27:34.080 be frustrated. Not only that, you'll start to resent him. 0:27:34.440 --> 0:27:37.360 And what that is is a missed placed expectation. 0:27:37.800 --> 0:27:40.040 You have to accept the fact that's who they are. 0:27:40.720 --> 0:27:42.880 If you're going to be happy, you have to adapt 0:27:43.200 --> 0:27:46.760 and make adjustments. And I'm not saying they should stifle 0:27:46.800 --> 0:27:49.159 you and keep you from being your best, but you 0:27:49.240 --> 0:27:52.280 cannot expect them to be something that they're not. And 0:27:52.359 --> 0:27:55.520 I'm asking us today to take the pressure off the 0:27:55.520 --> 0:28:00.520 people in our lives. Don't have these unrealistic expectations. Recognize 0:28:00.520 --> 0:28:02.840 people are going to make mistakes. They're going to do 0:28:02.960 --> 0:28:05.639 things that irritate you, but you know what, that's okay. 0:28:05.720 --> 0:28:06.320 They're human. 0:28:06.960 --> 0:28:09.600 Don't make the people in your life have to perform 0:28:09.680 --> 0:28:12.680 perfectly or you're not going to be happy. Give them 0:28:12.720 --> 0:28:17.320 some grace, learn to overlook things, make allowances for the 0:28:17.359 --> 0:28:21.200 sake of peace. And if you'll have the right expectations 0:28:21.280 --> 0:28:25.400 in your relationships, giving mercy, giving people room, I know 0:28:25.680 --> 0:28:29.040 those relationships will get better and better. God will honor 0:28:29.119 --> 0:28:31.840 you for doing your part, He'll pour out his blessings 0:28:31.840 --> 0:28:34.400 in favor and you'll live the life of victory he 0:28:34.440 --> 0:28:35.199 has in store. 0:28:35.280 --> 0:28:36.919 Amen, do you receive it today? 0:28:38.280 --> 0:28:41.000 We never like to close our broadcast without giving you 0:28:41.040 --> 0:28:44.040 an opportunity to make Jesus the lord of your life. 0:28:44.480 --> 0:28:48.760 Would you pray with me? Just say, Lord, Jesus, I 0:28:48.920 --> 0:28:53.840 repent of my sins. Come into my heart. I make 0:28:53.920 --> 0:28:55.160 you my Lord and savior. 0:28:56.560 --> 0:28:58.920 Friends, if you prayed that simple prayer, we believe you 0:28:58.960 --> 0:29:01.760 got born again. Get in a good Bible based church. 0:29:02.080 --> 0:29:04.840 Keep God first place. He's going to take your places 0:29:04.960 --> 0:29:05.880 you've never dreamed of. 0:29:06.560 --> 0:29:10.000 Thank you for listening to the joel Ostine podcast. Help 0:29:10.120 --> 0:29:12.840 us continue to share the message of hope with those 0:29:12.920 --> 0:29:16.840 all over the world. Visit jolostein dot com slash give 0:29:16.920 --> 0:29:18.600 Hope to give a gift today. 0:29:19.880 --> 0:29:22.800 Thanks so much for listening to today's message. I hope 0:29:22.800 --> 0:29:26.160 you'll subscribe so you can receive the latest podcast to 0:29:26.280 --> 0:29:26.640 keep you. 0:29:26.680 --> 0:29:29.760 Inspired all through the week. We're praying for you. I 0:29:29.800 --> 0:29:32.640 know God's best is still ahead. We'll see you next time.