Freedom From Control

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What if 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:11.080 you could unlock insights about your finances in less than 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:13.600 five minutes, with a clear picture of where you stand 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:16.399 today and where your money can work harder. Now you 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:19.480 can visit facet dot com to take the free quiz 0:01:19.520 --> 0:01:24.120 and get your financial wellness score today. That's Facet dot Com. 0:01:24.160 --> 0:01:26.240 This ada sponsored by Facet. Facet Wealth in Corporated is 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:28.240 an SEC registered investment advisor. This is not an offer 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:30.240 to buy yourself security snor is it investment, legal or 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:30.800 tax advice. 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.039 Hi, this is Joel and Victoria. Thanks for listening to 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:37.200 our podcast and thanks for supporting the ministry. If you 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:39.880 enjoy today's message, why don't you be a blessing and 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:42.600 share it with a friend. We appreciate you and pray 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:56.080 put God's very best in your life. God bless you 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:58.560 always a joy to come into your homes. 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:00.000 We love you. 0:02:00.000 --> 0:02:02.280 If you're ever in our area, I hope that you'll 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:04.680 stop by and be a part of one of our services. 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:07.360 I promise you this will make you feel right at home. 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:08.920 You'll love our new facility. 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:11.440 You can come celebrate what God has done for us 0:02:11.520 --> 0:02:13.480 right here at Lakewood and just love to have you 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:15.840 be a part of it. But thanks for tuning in today. 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:18.320 I like to get started each week with something kind 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:20.639 of funny. And I heard about this couple. They were 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.040 driving down the road and they saw this sign that 0:02:23.160 --> 0:02:27.520 said Nacodochius forty miles ahead. They began to argue about 0:02:27.560 --> 0:02:31.200 how to correctly pronounce the name Nacodochus. The husband got 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:34.200 so upset he finally said to his wife, when we 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:36.919 get there, I'm going to stop and prove to you 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:40.240 that I'm right. And they sat silently the next thirty 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:43.200 minutes as they drove, and when they finally arrived, he 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:46.240 pulled into the first fast food restaurant. He and his 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:49.120 wife barged up there to the counter, and he said 0:02:49.120 --> 0:02:51.320 to the young lady, my wife and I have been 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:54.480 arguing for the last thirty minutes. Can you tell us, 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:58.440 very slowly and very clearly, how to pronounce the name 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:00.880 of this place. The young ladies got real big, and 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:07.240 she leaned over the counter and said, Burger King, all right, 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:09.440 hold up your Bible. Say it like you mean it. 0:03:09.800 --> 0:03:12.839 This is my Bible. I am what it says, I am, 0:03:13.440 --> 0:03:16.079 I have what it says I have. I can do 0:03:16.160 --> 0:03:18.800 what it says I can do today, I will be 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:23.079 taught the word of God. I boldly confess my mind 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:25.519 is alert, my heart is receptive. 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:29.840 I will never be the same. In Jesus' name, God 0:03:29.880 --> 0:03:30.360 bless you. 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:35.040 We've been talking about not letting people control us and 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:40.200 learning how to set boundaries. Boundaries are like fences. We 0:03:40.240 --> 0:03:43.600 put up fences around our property to show people how 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:46.160 far that they can come. And it doesn't mean that 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:49.560 we're being unfriendly, doesn't mean that we're being rude. It's 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:52.360 simply a way of saying, this is the line that 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:56.200 you cannot come beyond. And in the same way, if 0:03:56.200 --> 0:03:59.760 you don't have boundaries in your own life and especially 0:03:59.800 --> 0:04:03.960 in relationships, then you're just asking for trouble because this 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:08.760 world is full of controllers and manipulators. And I don't 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:12.080 mean to sound like everybody's bad, because they're not. Many 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:15.280 times they don't realize they're doing it. They've been raised 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.280 by people that have done it and this is all 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:20.080 that they know. But God wants us to live our 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:23.839 lives free. And we're never going to really enjoy life 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:27.719 as long as we're being a people pleaser, or as 0:04:27.800 --> 0:04:30.400 long as we're trying to control everybody. 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:33.400 And this is what so many people are doing today. 0:04:33.600 --> 0:04:36.880 They're trying to run the universe, trying to make their 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:40.960 grown children do what they want, manipulating people at the 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:44.120 office in order to get their way, or they'll throw 0:04:44.160 --> 0:04:46.960 a fit at home, hoping that their spouse will feel 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:50.520 guilty and eventually give in. But friends, that's a miserable 0:04:50.560 --> 0:04:53.479 way to live. It's a heavy burden trying to run 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:57.560 everybody's life around you. And being free means you are 0:04:57.640 --> 0:04:58.400 free not. 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:00.480 To control everybody. 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:02.800 It means you don't have to have your way all 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:06.920 the time. You can adapt, you can adjust. For instance, 0:05:07.000 --> 0:05:09.080 if every time Victoria and I go out to eat, 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:12.000 we have to go where I want, or I'll very 0:05:12.120 --> 0:05:14.880 subtly let her know that I'm not happy. I'll make 0:05:14.920 --> 0:05:17.320 her feel just guilty enough so that next time I'll 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:18.080 get my way. 0:05:18.480 --> 0:05:19.640 That's being a controller. 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:22.840 I'm manipulating her in order to get what I want. 0:05:23.480 --> 0:05:26.400 Don't play those games. Be bigger than that and give 0:05:26.440 --> 0:05:28.719 people the room to be who God has made them 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:31.360 to be. And maybe you're on the flip side of that. 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:34.640 Your spouse or the person you're in relationship with is 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:37.480 always doing what he wants and I'm not saying to 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:39.720 just be a door mat and let them run over you. 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:41.839 Now you've got to stand up to a controller. You 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:44.880 need to confront that say, hey, listen, let's take turns. 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:46.240 Don't be so selfish. 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:49.400 But you have to recognize when somebody always has to 0:05:49.440 --> 0:05:53.279 have their way. They're always trying to give you their opinion, 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:54.280 making you do. 0:05:54.279 --> 0:05:56.320 What they want. That's a controller. 0:05:57.120 --> 0:06:00.800 I've seen parents that have grown children, but they're still 0:06:00.800 --> 0:06:04.159 telling those children how to spend their money, how to 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:07.159 raise their kids, what car to buy, what neighborhood to 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:10.880 live in. Now, listen, parents, those children have grown up. 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:13.640 Now you've got to let them go and stop trying 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:17.760 to run their lives. There's nothing that will ruin your 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:21.640 relationship with your grown children any quicker than always telling 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:24.960 them what to do, and too much advice, although you 0:06:25.040 --> 0:06:28.520 may mean well, is eventually just going to drive them away. 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:31.960 You have to give your grown children the freedom to 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:35.040 make their own choices and even the freedom to make 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:38.240 their own mistakes. Sometimes that's the only way they're ever 0:06:38.240 --> 0:06:40.960 going to learn. And I'm not saying to never give 0:06:41.000 --> 0:06:44.120 them advice, but if when you do, you can tell 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:47.160 they're not receiving it. Things are heating up, it's turning 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:49.320 into a debate. Well, you need to be big enough 0:06:49.320 --> 0:06:51.760 to just back off and let it go, because if 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:55.960 you're constantly giving people advice, constantly telling them what to do, 0:06:56.360 --> 0:07:00.320 in the end, it's going to build up resentment. The 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:02.960 first house Victoria and I were about to buy, my 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:05.880 father didn't agree with it. He didn't think it was 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:08.800 right for us, but he didn't tell us right at 0:07:08.839 --> 0:07:11.360 the first. In fact, he had a friend of ours 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:14.280 call me, a man that deals in real estate, and 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:17.400 we discussed the pros and cons and we ended up 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:19.960 not buying that house. But I didn't find out un 0:07:19.960 --> 0:07:22.960 till later that my father was not for it. See, 0:07:23.000 --> 0:07:26.640 Daddy was trying not to run my life. He was 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:29.480 looking for that fine line of when two and when 0:07:29.560 --> 0:07:30.760 not to be involved. 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:33.400 And of course it's good to give your children counsel. 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:36.200 It's good to share your opinions and advice with them, 0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:38.040 but you too are going to have to find the 0:07:38.080 --> 0:07:42.000 balance to not go overboard and make them feel like 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:45.600 you're pressuring them and trying to control them. After all, 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:48.960 the scripture says a man shall leave his father and 0:07:49.080 --> 0:07:53.120 mother and become one with his wife, too often parents, 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:56.040 our children have left the house, but we haven't let 0:07:56.120 --> 0:07:56.480 them go. 0:07:57.040 --> 0:07:59.120 We're way too involved in their affairs. 0:08:00.000 --> 0:08:02.680 You know, it's because you love your children, It's because 0:08:02.760 --> 0:08:05.080 you want the best for them, and that's why this 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:08.440 can be so blinding. And I really believe some of 0:08:08.480 --> 0:08:12.640 you don't have good relationships with your grown children today, 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:14.080 and it's because of this. 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:17.000 You're too involved. You're always telling them what to do. 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:20.000 I talked to a young lady a while back, and 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:22.360 she told how she doesn't like to go over to 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:26.240 her mother's house anymore because her mother is always telling 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:29.080 her how to eat, what to eat, and what not 0:08:29.200 --> 0:08:31.920 to eat. Growing up, she had struggled with her weight 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:35.080 and her mother had been very involved in her diet. 0:08:35.640 --> 0:08:39.400 And this mother meant well, she had good intentions. But mother, 0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:42.360 when your little girl grows up, she probably doesn't want 0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:44.880 you telling her what to do all the time. It 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:48.160 was fine for a time, but we have to recognize 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:52.680 at one point that goes from right control to wrong control. 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:56.720 And sure, we are to train and guide our children 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:59.200 while they're under our care, but if we don't learn 0:08:59.240 --> 0:09:02.200 to let them go, give them a little space, give 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:04.560 them the freedom to make their own choices. Then it's 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:08.000 going to build resentment, it can stifle their growth, and 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:11.320 it is certainly going to strain our relationship. Some of 0:09:11.360 --> 0:09:13.760 you would see your relationships go to a new level 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:16.319 if you just take a step back and quit telling 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:18.480 those people how to run their lives all the time. 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:20.679 And if you feel like your parents are doing this 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:24.360 to you, they're too controlling, giving you too many opinions, 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:27.480 too much advice, I would just challenge you to take 0:09:27.559 --> 0:09:31.640 the initiative and go to them and address it. Don't 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:34.360 let it ruin your relationship for the next twenty years. 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:37.360 Set a boundary. You can do it in love. Just 0:09:37.360 --> 0:09:40.560 say mom, dad, I love you, I appreciate your advice, 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:42.880 but you've got to do me a favor and quit 0:09:42.920 --> 0:09:45.360 trying to run my life all the time, because when 0:09:45.360 --> 0:09:47.760 I don't do what you want, I feel bad and 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:49.960 I respect you, but you've got to give me the 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:53.360 freedom to make my own choices. See, just be open 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:56.360 and honest. That's what it means to set a boundary. 0:09:56.760 --> 0:09:59.360 One principle that I've learned to live by is never 0:09:59.520 --> 0:10:04.600 give your opinion unless somebody ask, and even then realize 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:06.920 most of the time they don't really want your advice. 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.079 They just want you to tell them what they want 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:13.040 to hear. And people today are way too opinionated. You 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:14.920 hear them all the time. Well, if I were you, 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:17.640 I wouldn't do that. If I were you, I wouldn't 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:19.599 buy that car. If I were you, I wouldn't be 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:21.720 dating that man. No, you don't really know what you 0:10:21.880 --> 0:10:24.240 would do because you're not in their shoes. And it's 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:27.920 good to give advice, but don't be overly opinionated. Like 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:30.520 that cartoon I saw was this big gorilla had his 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:32.400 fist up in the air and a real mean face, 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:35.240 and the caption said, if I want your opinion, I'll 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:38.840 beat it out of you. The scripture says in First 0:10:38.880 --> 0:10:42.800 Thessalonians four, verse eleven, May it your ambition to live 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:47.760 a quiet life and to mind your own business. For 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:50.040 some of you, that was worth the drive out today. 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:58.160 Mind your own business, not your grown children's business, not 0:10:58.280 --> 0:11:01.360 your neighbor's business, not your co work worker's business. Mind 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:05.120 your own business, and never give your opinion unless you're asked. 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:08.080 And parents, we need to make sure that we allow 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:12.320 our children to follow their God given dreams. I see 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:15.000 so many parents that are living out their own dreams 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:17.680 through their children, you know, pressuring them to go to 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:20.760 this college, get into this career, work for this company. 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:23.920 Now, that's never healthy. Proverbs twenty two to six. 0:11:23.880 --> 0:11:26.440 Says train up a child in the way that he 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:32.360 should go in keeping with his individual gift. Notice that's 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:36.960 saying your child has a specific gift. There's something he's 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:41.040 inclined toward. And our job as parents is to help 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:44.920 our children discover their gift and then encourage them in 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:45.880 that area. 0:11:45.960 --> 0:11:46.720 And here's the key. 0:11:47.200 --> 0:11:49.800 Their God given gift may not be what you prefer. 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:53.240 I know my father always wanted me to preach. I 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:55.040 knew that from the time. 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:56.560 That I was a little boy. But I never had 0:11:56.600 --> 0:12:00.880 the desire, and my parents never pressured me. I believe 0:12:00.920 --> 0:12:03.680 that they would have. It would have driven me away. 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:06.760 And if you'll let your children follow the God given 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:09.880 dreams and desires in their own heart, they will end 0:12:10.000 --> 0:12:12.960 up exactly where they're supposed to be. But if my 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:15.960 father had just pressured me and pressured me, and finally 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:18.000 I just gave in because I didn't want to disappoint 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:20.560 my dad, I don't believe i'd be standing here today. 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:23.520 I would have been out of God's timing I would 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:26.120 have been living to just please people. I think that 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:28.400 I would have missed out on God's best and in 0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:30.640 part it would have been my fault for being a 0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:33.959 people pleaser, But it also in part would have been 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:37.520 my father's fault for trying to control me and manipulate me. 0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:40.600 And that's why parents, it's so important that we be 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:44.559 extremely careful in this area, because when we're too controlling 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:48.720 and too opinionated, we can keep our children from fulfilling 0:12:48.760 --> 0:12:51.679 their God given destiny. And Victoria and I, of course 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:54.160 we would love to have our children fallow in our 0:12:54.160 --> 0:12:57.560 footsteps and carry on the ministry in some way, but 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:00.800 I know that I can't call them, only God can. 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:02.240 So I stay open. 0:13:02.800 --> 0:13:05.040 I found a lot of times what we want for 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:08.080 our children is so much less than what God wants. 0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:11.680 And in the natural, I hope Jonathan and Alexandra minister 0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:16.360 like me, but I realize they can minister through movies, 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:19.400 they can minister through music and song, they can minister 0:13:19.520 --> 0:13:22.200 by treating people that are set. We've got to stay open, 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:26.400 don't be a controller. Just trust your children into God's hands. 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:29.560 He's got an individual plan for each one of them. 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:31.640 And I would encourage as well. Parents. 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:36.320 Don't be overly concerned if your children, you're a young person, 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:40.400 you're teenager. They're not as spiritual as you think they should. 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:40.720 Be right now. 0:13:41.440 --> 0:13:44.240 Hell, my children they don't know enough scriptures, they don't 0:13:44.240 --> 0:13:46.319 pay attention in church all the time, and I've always 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:49.000 got to write them. Joel, Well, it's good to encourage 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:52.280 your children, but keep that in balance and always remember 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:54.360 how you were when you were their age. 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:55.840 You probably weren't that much different. 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:58.760 I know when I was growing up, I sat on 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:02.160 the front row of our church beside my little sister April, 0:14:02.400 --> 0:14:06.440 and the whole service we played Tic tac toe. And 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:09.040 look at me today. God's made me the pastor. There 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:11.280 is hope for your children. Who knows what God can 0:14:11.360 --> 0:14:16.720 do for them. Growing up, I love to play practical jokes, 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:19.520 and I was always doing something to somebody in church, 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:21.920 you know, teasing my sister Lisa, or making a funny 0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:24.880 face at my sister April. But the problem was my 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:27.920 mother had eyes in the back of her head, and 0:14:28.000 --> 0:14:29.960 we'd all be there on the very front row of 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:31.720 the church, four or five of us kids, and my 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:34.080 mother would have her hands up in the air and 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:37.160 her eyes closed, and I would make sure that she 0:14:37.320 --> 0:14:39.920 wasn't watching, and at just the right time, i'd reach 0:14:39.960 --> 0:14:42.880 over and do something to Lisa, and sure enough, my mother, 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:46.080 without missing a beat, she would bring this hen down. 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:48.920 She would grab my arm right here and pinch the 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:52.760 fire out of me, and then just so calmly, she'd 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:54.280 put that arm back up in the air. 0:14:56.880 --> 0:15:00.920 She'd still have that smile on her face. I used 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:03.920 to think, how in the world does she do that? 0:15:04.040 --> 0:15:05.160 How did she see me of it? 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:07.760 Finally, thank god, one day I got out from under 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:13.200 that control, and today I'm free. But don't let people 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:17.240 control you, and don't be a controller. One thing we 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:19.880 have to realize is the more we try to make 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.840 somebody do something, the more we try to control them. 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:24.800 Most of the time, the more they don't want to 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:27.360 do it. When I was in my early twenties, I 0:15:27.480 --> 0:15:30.520 was playing baseball four or five nights a week. We'd 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:33.280 have a tournament almost every weekend. And of course I 0:15:33.400 --> 0:15:35.840 was single. I didn't have a lot of family obligations. 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:39.000 But my friend was married and he had a newborn child, 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:41.960 and his wife just couldn't stand him playing that much. 0:15:42.040 --> 0:15:44.360 I mean, he was always gone. She talked to me 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:46.240 about it, and I agreed with her it was too much. 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:50.400 But the funny thing was she tried and tried to 0:15:50.440 --> 0:15:51.400 get him to change. 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:53.960 She nagged him, she threatened him. 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:57.080 She sat around the house and saw she tried everything, 0:15:57.440 --> 0:15:59.800 and it seemed like the more she did that, the 0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:01.600 more determined he was to keep playing. 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:03.880 And I found that's human nature. 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:07.359 When we nag and complain, when we try to control 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:10.920 and force somebody to do something, many times it just 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:15.400 builds resentment and we end up with the exact opposite results. 0:16:15.720 --> 0:16:17.640 I believe a better approach would be to go to 0:16:17.680 --> 0:16:19.960 them and just say, honey, I know you enjoy playing 0:16:19.960 --> 0:16:22.280 ball and I want you to be happy, but I'd 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:24.560 love for you to spend more time at the home, 0:16:25.080 --> 0:16:27.680 and then just turn it over to God and say, God, 0:16:27.720 --> 0:16:30.640 I know I can't change him, only you can. I'm 0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:34.040 not gonna live my life frustrated. I'm not gonna go around. 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:36.040 Having a pity party treating him bad. God. 0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:39.120 I'm just giving him to you. That's all you can do. 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:43.000 You cannot force people to change. What I'm saying today 0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:48.440 is control usually only makes things worse. I've seen ladies 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:50.720 that are trying to get their husbands to come to church. 0:16:51.040 --> 0:16:54.640 They're constantly nagging the man, harping on them. They make 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:57.240 sure they got the Bible open on the breakfast table every. 0:16:57.160 --> 0:17:00.360 Morning, got all these subtle hints happening, trying to him 0:17:00.360 --> 0:17:00.720 to come. 0:17:01.240 --> 0:17:03.280 But really, I believe a better thing to do is 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:06.520 to just love the man, leave him up to God. 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:10.480 Quit preaching to him every minute, quit quoting every scripture 0:17:10.520 --> 0:17:13.200 to him, and just be fun to be around. Make 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:16.720 him want what you have. See, you cannot pressure people 0:17:16.760 --> 0:17:21.400 into changing. Control drives people away. Many times you'll get 0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:25.560 just the opposite results. Sometimes we try to control people 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:26.960 out of selfish reasons. 0:17:27.480 --> 0:17:27.960 I know this. 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:31.199 Couple and the man really loves to play golf, But 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:33.720 this lady, for nearly ten years, tried to get him 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:37.720 to change. She would throw fits and have pity parties 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:40.560 and pressure him, but he never would. And at some 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:43.480 point you have to realize, maybe God put the desire 0:17:43.560 --> 0:17:46.720 in him. Maybe that's what he does to relax and 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:49.200 keep his life in balance. And if you want to 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:52.440 spend more time with him instead of trying to control 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:55.520 him and make him change, why don't you adapt? 0:17:55.840 --> 0:17:57.280 Why don't you adjust? 0:17:57.440 --> 0:18:00.280 That's what this lady did. She took up playing golf off. 0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:03.359 She told me Joel. I nagged and complained him for 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:06.399 ten years, and one day it dawned on me that 0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:07.920 he was not going to change. 0:18:08.040 --> 0:18:08.920 So I changed. 0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:11.040 I decided I couldn't beat him, so I was going 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:13.359 to join him. Now I play golf and we play 0:18:13.480 --> 0:18:14.719 all the time together. 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:16.400 If that doesn't work. 0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:18.760 For you, then find you some friends or find some 0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:20.399 way to enjoy that free time. 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:24.160 But it's a miserable way to live trying to control everybody. Well, 0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:24.639 I've got to. 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:27.320 Control my children and make sure they come to my 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:29.960 house for Christmas this year. If I don't start now, 0:18:29.960 --> 0:18:31.520 they may go to their in laws. I'm gonna let 0:18:31.520 --> 0:18:35.760 them know I'm expecting them. I'm preparing a big meal now. 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:38.360 Learn to take the pressure off of people. If your 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:42.879 child is married, most likely they have two obligations on 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:46.480 every holiday. And I'm all for getting together and for family, 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:49.439 but really, what does it matter in the big scope 0:18:49.480 --> 0:18:51.400 of things if they can't come to your house on 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:54.720 one particular day. Thank God that they're alive and they're 0:18:54.760 --> 0:18:55.919 healthy and they can. 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:58.200 Come to see you three hundred and sixty four other days. 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:00.959 We make a big deal out of things that are 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:05.400 not a big deal, and don't use that guilt trip. Well, 0:19:05.480 --> 0:19:07.399 you know what I did for you growing up. I 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:09.600 bought you your first car, I sent you to college. 0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:12.240 I baby since your children every time you ask no, 0:19:12.600 --> 0:19:16.480 let them be free and recognize if they can't come, 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:19.760 it's not because they love you any less, it's just logistics. 0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:22.680 And do you know if you pressure them. 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:25.360 And make them feel guilty and they end up coming, 0:19:25.840 --> 0:19:29.760 please understand that it is not strengthening that relationship. You're 0:19:29.840 --> 0:19:32.960 driving a wedge between it. It would be better for 0:19:33.040 --> 0:19:35.359 them to come every other year and do it because 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:38.240 they're happy, because they want to, then to come every 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:41.760 year because you have forced them and manipulated them. I 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:44.920 know in our family, we used to buy everybody Christmas 0:19:44.960 --> 0:19:48.160 gifts during the Christmas season. We didn't want anybody's feelings 0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:50.480 to get hurt. Got to a point where we're buying 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:56.720 for about twenty five different people, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Man, 0:19:56.760 --> 0:19:58.879 I love my family, but I don't love them that 0:19:59.000 --> 0:20:02.200 much at least I'm honest with you. 0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:06.400 But you know, we found that everybody in. 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:08.800 The family was feeling the exact same way. It was 0:20:08.880 --> 0:20:11.920 taking all of our time and energy, and one day 0:20:12.000 --> 0:20:14.280 we said, hey, let's just draw names and buy a 0:20:14.320 --> 0:20:15.320 gift for one child. 0:20:15.840 --> 0:20:18.040 And if for some reason we can't all get together 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:21.600 for the holidays, no big deal. Let's take the pressure off. Now. 0:20:21.640 --> 0:20:25.440 I'm asking you today to set some people free. Quit 0:20:25.480 --> 0:20:28.000 trying to control your husband and make him do what 0:20:28.040 --> 0:20:30.680 you want. Quit trying to control your family and make 0:20:30.680 --> 0:20:33.840 them be at every holiday, Quit trying to control your friends. 0:20:34.359 --> 0:20:37.399 Quit putting your demands on everybody, Quit making them do 0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:40.280 things out of obligation. I want you to go out 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:43.720 of here today freer than you've ever been before. And 0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:46.320 I know this can be a sensitive area, but be 0:20:46.440 --> 0:20:49.600 careful about somebody that always has a word for you. 0:20:50.359 --> 0:20:51.520 Do you know people can. 0:20:51.400 --> 0:20:54.720 Even use the scriptures to try to control you. They 0:20:54.720 --> 0:20:57.680 can use spiritual things to try to pressure you into 0:20:57.680 --> 0:20:58.680 doing what they want. 0:20:59.200 --> 0:21:01.080 Well, I've got a word for you. You're supposed to do 0:21:01.119 --> 0:21:02.640 this and that, and I. 0:21:02.560 --> 0:21:05.200 Know that can be good, But number one, you need 0:21:05.240 --> 0:21:07.960 to make sure that you really know that person. Don't 0:21:08.040 --> 0:21:11.560 just let anybody give you instruction. The scripture says to 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:12.920 know those that. 0:21:12.960 --> 0:21:15.679 Labor among you. You need to ask yourself, who is 0:21:15.720 --> 0:21:19.040 this person, what is his background, where does he go 0:21:19.119 --> 0:21:21.280 to church? What kind of fruit does he have in 0:21:21.320 --> 0:21:22.880 his life? Do a little research. 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:27.200 I see too many people being led astray all because 0:21:27.240 --> 0:21:31.359 somebody over spiritualizes something I don't know. Maybe they mean well, 0:21:31.480 --> 0:21:34.120 but that can very easily get into being a controlling, 0:21:34.520 --> 0:21:38.439 manipulating spirit. Hey, you say, Joel, they're so nice and 0:21:38.560 --> 0:21:41.639 kind and they know all the scriptures. Yeah, but the 0:21:41.640 --> 0:21:46.240 Bible talks about being aware of wolves in sheep's clothing, 0:21:46.800 --> 0:21:48.600 And if somebody's gonna lead you away, they're not going 0:21:48.680 --> 0:21:50.680 to come in looking like a wolf. They're gonna look 0:21:50.720 --> 0:21:53.959 like the nicest, kindest person in the world. And usually 0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:56.199 people like that. The word they have for you is 0:21:56.640 --> 0:21:59.280 God told me you're supposed to help me. You're supposed 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:01.520 to give me your page check this month. Man, I 0:22:01.600 --> 0:22:03.719 saw your face in a dream. God told me you're 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:06.960 going to pay my rent. Now you need to tell 0:22:06.960 --> 0:22:08.960 them if God wants me to pay your rent, he 0:22:09.000 --> 0:22:13.679 can tell me we're on speaking terms. I had a 0:22:13.760 --> 0:22:16.760 lady who tell me not too long ago, and she 0:22:16.880 --> 0:22:19.880 was very, very sincere, but she said, Joe, this man 0:22:19.960 --> 0:22:23.000 came to me and he said, God told him that 0:22:23.080 --> 0:22:25.400 I was supposed to leave my marriage. 0:22:25.359 --> 0:22:28.399 And go off in a relationship with him. What do 0:22:28.480 --> 0:22:30.720 you think? And I said, well, just put it this way. 0:22:30.800 --> 0:22:33.199 If you look up the word flaky in the dictionary, 0:22:33.400 --> 0:22:36.720 you'll see his picture right next to That's as far 0:22:36.760 --> 0:22:39.240 off as you can get. Because number one, God will 0:22:39.280 --> 0:22:41.880 never ask you to do something this outside his word. 0:22:42.520 --> 0:22:45.159 And if somebody is speaking into your life, most of 0:22:45.200 --> 0:22:47.840 the time it should confirm what you already know. 0:22:48.440 --> 0:22:50.560 There should be a peace and a rest about it. 0:22:51.000 --> 0:22:53.200 I'm not saying it won't challenge you. Maybe it'll even 0:22:53.240 --> 0:22:55.400 convict you, but down in here you'll feel a peace 0:22:55.440 --> 0:22:58.400 about it. My father told one time a man came 0:22:58.440 --> 0:23:01.760 to him and said, Pastor's a man gave me a 0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:04.199 word that I'm supposed to go to Africa. What do 0:23:04.240 --> 0:23:06.000 you think that? He said, I don't know. 0:23:06.119 --> 0:23:08.160 But if you do go, be sure you take him 0:23:08.160 --> 0:23:13.359 with you so you'll know when to come back. My 0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:18.000 point is you can hear from God for yourself. You 0:23:18.040 --> 0:23:21.280 don't need somebody always telling you what to do and 0:23:21.320 --> 0:23:23.840 what not to do. Get out from under all those 0:23:23.880 --> 0:23:28.080 controlling influences. If somebody is speaking into your life, you 0:23:28.119 --> 0:23:30.160 know again that can be good, but it should confirm 0:23:30.600 --> 0:23:32.920 you should feel a peace about it. If it's something 0:23:32.960 --> 0:23:35.080 off the wall, you need to just smile and let 0:23:35.119 --> 0:23:37.120 it go. In one ear and out the other ear. 0:23:37.760 --> 0:23:41.359 Recognize a controller and recognize if you're being controlled. A 0:23:41.359 --> 0:23:44.199 lot of times people that try to control you are 0:23:44.240 --> 0:23:46.520 people that feel like you owe them something. 0:23:47.440 --> 0:23:48.679 Maybe they helped you. 0:23:48.680 --> 0:23:51.600 Get a position at their company, and now in their minds, 0:23:51.640 --> 0:23:54.760 you owe them. They expect you to do everything they want, 0:23:55.119 --> 0:23:57.640 go to lunch every time they invite you, run errands 0:23:57.680 --> 0:23:58.480 for you. 0:23:58.520 --> 0:23:59.800 Now that's being controlled. 0:24:00.520 --> 0:24:03.280 Or maybe somebody helped you out of a difficult place 0:24:03.359 --> 0:24:06.480 in life, and now their attitude is you wouldn't be 0:24:06.520 --> 0:24:08.879 here if it wasn't for me. You better give me 0:24:08.920 --> 0:24:11.720 what I want. You better give me some attention, or 0:24:11.720 --> 0:24:14.439 even with the spouse. Hey, I bought you that new car. 0:24:14.800 --> 0:24:16.679 I've got you in my will. You better live up 0:24:16.680 --> 0:24:20.800 to my expectations. Don't fall into that trap. You are 0:24:21.040 --> 0:24:23.920 where you are by the grace of God. And yes, 0:24:24.000 --> 0:24:26.520 people may have helped you, but God doesn't want you 0:24:26.560 --> 0:24:28.879 to live your life trying to pay somebody back. 0:24:29.160 --> 0:24:30.359 That's being controlled. 0:24:30.800 --> 0:24:33.280 He wants you to be free now, of course, be 0:24:33.359 --> 0:24:36.520 good to people, be grateful, but don't live your life 0:24:36.560 --> 0:24:40.439 just doing everything out of guilt and obligation. Well, I'm 0:24:40.440 --> 0:24:42.160 gonna take you out of my will if you don't 0:24:42.200 --> 0:24:45.320 go to this college, if you don't go into this career. Now, 0:24:45.359 --> 0:24:48.040 I say this respectfully, but you don't need that money. 0:24:48.320 --> 0:24:50.600 You follow what God has put in your heart and 0:24:50.640 --> 0:24:54.080 you'll have everything that you need. Or you better live 0:24:54.200 --> 0:24:57.040 with me. I rescued you out of that pit. You 0:24:57.160 --> 0:24:59.800 better give me what I want. Think about where you 0:25:00.280 --> 0:25:03.360 be now, that's a controlling spirit. God does not want 0:25:03.400 --> 0:25:05.760 you to live like that. And some of you right 0:25:05.800 --> 0:25:10.280 now you're in a relationship that's not going anywhere. You 0:25:10.400 --> 0:25:12.679 know in your heart of hearts it's not right. But 0:25:12.760 --> 0:25:16.159 that other person is so controlling. He wants you to 0:25:16.240 --> 0:25:18.840 keep living with him. But you know he's never gonna 0:25:18.840 --> 0:25:21.480 marry you. All he's concerned about is what you can 0:25:21.520 --> 0:25:24.919 do for him. That's a controller, that's a user. You've 0:25:24.960 --> 0:25:27.440 got to get free from that. God has so much 0:25:27.720 --> 0:25:31.280 better in store for you. You say, Joel, if I leave, 0:25:31.359 --> 0:25:32.960 you know I may not make it on my own. 0:25:33.080 --> 0:25:35.480 I may not ever meet anybody else. Now, if you'll 0:25:35.520 --> 0:25:38.840 take that step of faith. God will honor that decision. 0:25:39.320 --> 0:25:41.640 He'll not only make a way for you, but he'll 0:25:41.680 --> 0:25:45.400 bring somebody into your life that really loves you, somebody 0:25:45.520 --> 0:25:47.439 that will treat you the way that you should be 0:25:47.520 --> 0:25:51.960 treated with honor and respect, and not somebody that's. 0:25:51.840 --> 0:25:53.800 Just gonna use you for what they want. 0:25:54.560 --> 0:25:57.040 Now, I know it's difficult, but you've got to stand 0:25:57.200 --> 0:25:58.280 up to a controller. 0:25:59.000 --> 0:26:02.280 If not, you'll go year after year in that same mess. 0:26:02.880 --> 0:26:06.280 Unfortunately, it will not get better, it will continue to 0:26:06.320 --> 0:26:08.959 get worse. What a shame to come to the end 0:26:08.960 --> 0:26:11.760 of your life. You have to think, Man, I never 0:26:11.800 --> 0:26:14.679 did what I wanted. I just lived to please people. 0:26:14.920 --> 0:26:18.480 I did everything out of guilt and obligation. I was 0:26:18.560 --> 0:26:19.800 always being controlled. 0:26:20.440 --> 0:26:24.520 No, make the necessary changes, recognize what's happening. And if 0:26:24.560 --> 0:26:27.919 you're the controller in one of those relationships, let me 0:26:28.000 --> 0:26:30.480 challenge you. You're not going to be blessed doing that. 0:26:31.119 --> 0:26:33.639 You're not only hurting that other person, but you're hurting 0:26:33.680 --> 0:26:37.480 yourself because when you push them down, you're pushing God down. 0:26:37.960 --> 0:26:41.320 God made that other person. You need to quit using them, 0:26:41.920 --> 0:26:44.280 Quit being so selfish and having to have your way 0:26:44.359 --> 0:26:48.320 all the time. Quit dominating every decision. Instead of just 0:26:48.400 --> 0:26:50.960 living for yourself, why don't you start living to please 0:26:51.000 --> 0:26:51.760 that other person. 0:26:52.280 --> 0:26:52.840 Why don't you. 0:26:52.760 --> 0:26:54.760 Get up every morning and think about what you can 0:26:54.800 --> 0:26:58.359 do for them and how you can make their life better. Friends, 0:26:58.400 --> 0:27:01.320 it's never too late to change. And you may have 0:27:01.359 --> 0:27:04.760 gone year after year developing bad habits, but thank god, 0:27:04.800 --> 0:27:07.720 you can develop some good habits, and today can be 0:27:07.760 --> 0:27:10.920 a new beginning. Today can be a turning point. Why 0:27:10.920 --> 0:27:13.000 don't you do yourself a favor and. 0:27:13.000 --> 0:27:14.360 Set some people free. 0:27:14.840 --> 0:27:17.800 When you do that, you will experience a new sense 0:27:17.800 --> 0:27:22.200 of freedom. The apostle Paul said there first Corinthians nine nineteen. 0:27:22.920 --> 0:27:27.200 Although I am free in every way from anyone's control, 0:27:28.000 --> 0:27:31.400 I have made myself to be a servant to all, 0:27:31.560 --> 0:27:34.600 he was saying, Because I'm free, I can be a 0:27:34.640 --> 0:27:37.760 blessing wherever I go. That's what will happen to each 0:27:37.800 --> 0:27:41.520 one of us. When we're really free, we can serve others. 0:27:42.040 --> 0:27:44.800 When we're really free, we can be a blessing. And 0:27:44.840 --> 0:27:47.280 when we're really free, we can live our lives happy. 0:27:47.840 --> 0:27:51.160 So I challenge you again, quit trying to run the universe, 0:27:51.720 --> 0:27:54.600 Quit trying to control everybody and everything. 0:27:55.080 --> 0:27:56.720 Take the pressure off yourself. 0:27:57.080 --> 0:28:00.560 And take the pressure off those other people trying to 0:28:00.600 --> 0:28:03.560 control you. You need to stand up to it. Do 0:28:03.680 --> 0:28:05.840 it in love, but learn to set some boundaries. 0:28:06.320 --> 0:28:08.240 If you'll do you a part and not be a 0:28:08.280 --> 0:28:11.760 controller and not allow others to control you. I know this, 0:28:11.840 --> 0:28:14.880 You're gonna rise higher, You're gonna be happier, You're gonna 0:28:14.920 --> 0:28:17.760 experience that abundant life that God has in store. Do 0:28:17.840 --> 0:28:22.399 you receive it today? I know that you do. We 0:28:22.520 --> 0:28:25.040 never like to closure broadcast without. 0:28:24.760 --> 0:28:27.520 Giving you an opportunity to make Jesus the lord of 0:28:27.560 --> 0:28:31.240 your life. Would you pray with me? Just say, Lord Jesus, 0:28:32.480 --> 0:28:35.920 I'll repent of my sins. Come into my heart. 0:28:37.000 --> 0:28:38.840 I make you my Lord and savior. 0:28:40.160 --> 0:28:42.480 Friends, if you prayed that simple prayer, we believe you 0:28:42.520 --> 0:28:45.280 got born again. Get in a good Bible based church. 0:28:45.600 --> 0:28:46.760 Keep God first place. 0:28:47.040 --> 0:28:49.400 He's going to take your places that you've never dreamed of. 0:28:50.320 --> 0:28:53.200 Thank you for listening to the joelus Deine podcast. 0:28:53.560 --> 0:28:56.160 Help us continue to share the message of hope with 0:28:56.280 --> 0:28:57.640 those all over the world. 0:28:57.920 --> 0:29:01.600 Visit joelus Dein dot com give hope to give a 0:29:01.640 --> 0:29:06.080 gift today. Thanks so much for listening to today's message. 0:29:06.200 --> 0:29:08.920 I hope you'll subscribe so you can receive the latest 0:29:09.000 --> 0:29:12.040 podcast to keep you inspired all through the week. 0:29:12.280 --> 0:29:15.120 We're praying for you. I know God's best is still ahead. 0:29:15.360 --> 0:29:16.520 We'll see you next time. 0:29:23.320 --> 0:29:26.080 With millions of books on Amazon, there's a reading feeling 0:29:26.120 --> 0:29:30.440 for everyone. 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