Boundaries: It’s Time To Stop Dancing With Dysfunction (Lysa TerKeurst)

0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.720 Hey, Elevation, I am so glad that you are worshiping 0:00:03.760 --> 0:00:06.680 with us today. The Psalmist said, I was glad when 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:09.760 they said, unto me, let us go to the House 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:12.520 of the Lord. I know that you're happy to be 0:00:12.600 --> 0:00:15.080 here today, no matter how you're watching, whether you're joining 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:17.759 us online or you're here at one of our campuses, 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:21.800 today is a very special day. Every time we come together, 0:00:21.880 --> 0:00:26.960 it's special because there's nothing like gathering together with God's people. 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:30.720 The Lord is here with us. But today is extra 0:00:30.840 --> 0:00:36.159 special because today is our pastor's birthday. And I have 0:00:36.320 --> 0:00:40.519 to say, the older this man gets, the better he gets, 0:00:40.560 --> 0:00:43.640 the wiser he gets. Each year his preaching gets better. 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:46.440 I don't even know how that's possible. And I must 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:49.639 say I think he's getting more ripped with each year too. 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:53.080 Can I say that I just did okay? But in 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:56.880 a chat, if you're watching with us online, happy birthday, 0:00:57.280 --> 0:01:01.040 Pastor Stephen, and if you're sitting one of our campuses, 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:05.520 look at your neighbor and say, how about this new series. 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:09.360 I'm feeling extra blessed because the first few weeks of 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:11.720 the year we got to learn how to do the 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:15.039 new you, and then last week Stephen told us that 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:17.920 in the coming weeks he's going to be using the 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:22.119 Book of Joshua to show us there's more to the story. Guys, 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:27.759 he was on fire last week forward not finished. If 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:30.160 you missed it, you gotta catch up. I told you 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:33.800 he gets better with age. So today we're not going 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:36.039 to make the birthday boy preach, but we do have 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:39.440 a special treat for you. My dear friend Lisa Turkis 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.600 is going to be bringing the message today. Lisa is 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:46.320 no stranger to Elevation. She actually lives here in Charlotte 0:01:46.400 --> 0:01:48.920 and she joins us at Elevation when she's not out 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:53.120 preaching at other churches and doing events. She's the president 0:01:53.160 --> 0:01:56.200 of Proverbs thirty one Ministries and the author of more 0:01:56.240 --> 0:02:00.000 than twenty five books. She just released her newest book 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:04.160 called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, and I cannot wait to 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:06.440 hear what the Lord has laid on her heart to 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:08.680 teach us today. So will you put your hands together 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:19.160 and help me welcome Lisa to the seat. Hi, well, Hi, 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:22.960 good morning, good morning. What a joy it is to 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.360 be here with you. You guys can be seated. Thank you, 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:29.400 It's such an honor to be here. At my home 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:34.400 church speaking, and I'll be honest, I am kind of 0:02:34.440 --> 0:02:38.160 relieved Pastor Stephen's not seated on the front row. You know, 0:02:38.240 --> 0:02:41.920 I speak everywhere, but when I speak and he's seated 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:43.359 right in front of me, that's a little bit of 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:47.040 a daunting situation. So although he did text me and 0:02:47.080 --> 0:02:49.440 say he's watching online, so then it kind of killed 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:54.040 my relaxation with all of that. So, Pastor Stephen, wherever 0:02:54.120 --> 0:02:56.800 you're watching from, I just say happy birthday to you, 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:59.440 and thank you, thank you for what you give us 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.560 each week, and thank you for just being an incredible leader. 0:03:02.560 --> 0:03:11.280 Can we all thank Pastor Stephen one more time? So 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:15.040 today I'm going to be talking about boundaries, and we 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:19.720 can't talk about boundaries unless we talk about dysfunction, right, 0:03:20.320 --> 0:03:25.080 And how many of us dance with dysfunction in our relationships. 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:29.960 Now here's the thing about dysfunction. We all have it. 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:34.760 And here's I could literally just hand the microphone down 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.240 here and you could tell me about your dysfunction and 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:40.000 in your family. You could tell me about the dysfunctions 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:42.360 in your family, and you know you certainly could too. 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:44.920 We could just keep passing around the microphone and if 0:03:44.920 --> 0:03:48.040 we got to someone and they said, no, absolutely, there 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:52.840 is no dysfunction. They might be the dysfunction. So we 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:56.800 are not going to do that. But where there's dysfunction, 0:03:57.720 --> 0:04:02.040 there's often chaos. And where there is chaos, that's an 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:06.160 indication that there is a need for a boundary in 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:08.720 our relationships. Now, I know a lot of us hear 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:11.160 the word boundary and or attempted to just sort of 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:14.440 cross our arms and push back a little bit. And 0:04:14.520 --> 0:04:17.280 I get it because I would have thought the same 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:20.560 thing before I studied boundaries like I have for the 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:25.400 past many years. And here's why, Because I think many 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:30.440 of us have had boundaries used in unhelpful and unhealthy ways. 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:34.240 Maybe you've had somebody try to put a boundary on 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:37.120 you to try to control you, or to try to 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:41.080 manipulate you, or to try to punish you. And so 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:43.599 sometimes we hear the word boundary, we take this step 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:45.880 back and we just think, no, somebody did that to 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:50.080 me once and it was utterly detrimental to my relationship. 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:55.680 Or maybe some of us we've tried to implement boundaries 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:59.080 in our relationships, and we try to put a boundary 0:04:59.120 --> 0:05:01.840 on another person. Don't do it to try to control them, 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:04.760 but maybe we have tried to do it to change them, 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:11.200 and we got so frustrated because we realized that ultimately 0:05:11.960 --> 0:05:16.119 we can't change another person. You see, I think I've 0:05:16.200 --> 0:05:20.360 been in both of these camps, and I was absolutely 0:05:20.400 --> 0:05:23.800 convinced that I wasn't a girl that boundaries would really 0:05:23.880 --> 0:05:27.840 work for. But the biggest reason that I had an 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:31.720 issue with boundaries is I didn't have the biblical confidence 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:35.640 that God was okay with humans drawing boundaries. And I 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.679 also didn't have the emotional fortitude. Even if I thought 0:05:38.720 --> 0:05:42.200 I needed a boundary, I didn't have the emotional fortitude 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:45.840 to actually communicate the boundary, implement the boundary, and then 0:05:45.880 --> 0:05:50.680 stay consistent with the boundary. And so I continue a 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:55.120 very dysfunctional dance in some of my most important relationships. 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:58.320 So today I do have a message that I want 0:05:58.320 --> 0:06:01.680 to preach and teach, but mostly I just want to 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:06.240 have a conversation, a conversation heart to heart with you, 0:06:07.400 --> 0:06:10.680 because I know what it feels like to walk in 0:06:10.720 --> 0:06:15.200 to this very place, this very church building, right here, 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:22.919 so broken hearted because my most significant relationship was unraveling, 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:30.560 and I desperately wanted to save my family. But I 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:34.400 couldn't be the only one to make changes, and so 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:37.080 I knew that boundaries were needed. But because I didn't 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:41.040 have the biblical confidence that boundaries were okay, nor did 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:44.320 I have the emotional fortitude, I just stayed in this 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:50.159 very dysfunctional dance and it almost killed me. So if 0:06:50.160 --> 0:06:53.960 some of you have walked in here today and you're 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:59.280 kind of desperate in your heart because maybe it's one 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.719 of your most important relationships, or maybe it's just a 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:06.520 couple of relationships in your life, and you've hit that 0:07:06.720 --> 0:07:11.120 spot where you say, I just can't take it anymore, 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:16.200 I want to assure you I've been right where you've been. 0:07:16.280 --> 0:07:19.040 I've sat where you've sat, I've cried where you might cry, 0:07:20.440 --> 0:07:22.800 And today I think I'm going to give you a 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:28.520 lot of hope now because we're talking about boundaries and dysfunction, 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:32.600 and maybe you're seated with some people and that you 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:35.520 do life with, and maybe that you have a like 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:38.640 some tension with. Sometimes we're gonna lay down a couple 0:07:38.640 --> 0:07:41.320 of ground rules because I don't want you poking your 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:44.120 neighbor and saying did you hear her? You really need 0:07:44.120 --> 0:07:46.840 to hear that. I mean, that was like straight from God, 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:49.720 to her to you. You know what I'm saying. And 0:07:49.800 --> 0:07:52.080 so we're just gonna lay down some ground rules here. 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:53.800 So I want you to pick one of your neighbors 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:58.320 and repeat after me. This message is for me. I 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:02.800 will not use it against you. Okay. Now turn to 0:08:02.840 --> 0:08:05.560 your second choice neighbor that they're not at all offended 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:09.440 you didn't pick them first, truly, and repeat after me 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:13.280 this message is for me, but you need it more, 0:08:17.280 --> 0:08:23.080 Oh dear, Just in case, we haven't had any dysfunction 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:26.000 stirred up in our life recently, I just helped you out. Okay. 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:31.040 So here's part of the issue with dysfunction. We get 0:08:31.120 --> 0:08:34.080 used to our own dysfunctions and we start calling things 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:36.920 that are dysfunctional normal because we've just lived in it 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.480 for so long. Right, My sister came to visit a 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:43.360 couple of years ago and we had just finished a 0:08:43.400 --> 0:08:46.960 big renovation at our house. Now, if you're an electrician 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:49.560 or a plumber, this is not going to make sense 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:53.040 to you, but I promise you I'm absolutely telling the truth. 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:58.240 Somehow my hot water heater got connected to the back 0:08:58.320 --> 0:09:02.120 floodlights of my house, so, in other words, we would 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:04.319 have hot water as long as the back flood lights 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:07.240 were on, but if you turned them off, the hot 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.679 water would go out. And I know that makes no sense, 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:11.840 but I am telling you the truth. That's what happened. 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:14.760 So when my sister came to visit, she'd driven quite 0:09:14.760 --> 0:09:17.520 a ways and then she decided to go take a shower. 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:20.520 So she's in the middle of her shower and suddenly 0:09:20.520 --> 0:09:26.160 I hear her like stumbling upstairs, opening the door, yelling downstairs, Lisa, 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:31.120 the hot water just went out, to which I replied, oh, okay, 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:38.920 I'll go turn on the back flood lights. So after 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:42.600 she finished her shower, she came downstairs and she got 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:45.080 really close to me, like a sister, would you know, 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:47.560 just right in my face, and she said, can you 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:51.000 please repeat to me what you said when I told 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:54.120 you the hot water was out? And I said, oh, 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:57.079 I said, it's because someone turned off the back flood light, 0:09:57.160 --> 0:09:58.880 so I just needed to turn those on and then 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:01.520 you know, you eventually got hot water back. And then 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:04.640 she got even closer and she said, you know that's 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:09.839 not normal, right, You need to have that fixed. And 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:12.840 I said, I know, I've been meaning to make a 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:15.760 little sign and maybe even laminate it, and put it 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:20.000 by the light switch for the back floodlights, just instructing people, 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:23.000 I know I need to make that fix. And then 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:25.280 she just shook her head and walked away because she 0:10:25.440 --> 0:10:31.200 realized I was dancing with dysfunction. I was calling something 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:33.560 normal that was not normal, and it was time to 0:10:33.600 --> 0:10:36.920 call in the professionals, but instead I did what's called 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:39.520 a workaround. Now, let me tell you why I did 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:43.600 the workaround. I grew up really poor, and when you 0:10:43.920 --> 0:10:46.839 grow up in that way, you don't have money to 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.840 hire the professionals. So when things get broken, you do 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:54.400 what's called a workaround. Right, So it didn't really occur 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:57.600 to me that there was another way to fix it 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:01.000 besides just putting a sign up. But that wasn't really 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:05.480 fixing it. That's dancing with dysfunction. And I think a 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:07.960 lot of us are doing that in our relationships. And 0:11:08.000 --> 0:11:10.760 so today I want to give you a picture of 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:14.600 what healthy boundaries really look like, so that we can 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:20.360 stop dancing with dysfunction some of our most important relationships. Now, 0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:24.840 remember I said that I didn't have the biblical confidence 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:28.920 that God was okay with boundaries, So I decided to 0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:34.200 open up the Bible right in Genesis one. And you know, 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:35.640 if you have your Bible and you want to open 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:37.640 it up, you can turn to Genesis one. Isn't that 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:41.000 so fun when the preacher or the teacher says, turn 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:43.240 to Genesis one because you can actually find it. I 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:49.559 just love it. You're welcome, okay. So Genesis chapter one, 0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:55.319 starting in verse two, Now the earth was formless and empty. 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:58.040 Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:02.080 spirit of God was hovering over the world. And God said, 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:05.440 let there be light. And there was light. God saw 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:09.640 that the light was good, and he separated. Everybody say separated, 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:14.400 and he separated the light from the darkness. That separation 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:18.720 was a boundary. And then it says in verse five, 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.199 God called the light day, and the darkness he called night. 0:12:21.280 --> 0:12:23.240 And there was evening and there was morning the first 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:25.199 day verse six, and God said, let there be a 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:29.680 vault between the waters to separate. Everybody say separate, to 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.920 separate water from water. So God made the vault, and 0:12:32.960 --> 0:12:36.439 he separated the water under the vault from the water 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:39.800 above it. And it was so God called the vault sky. 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:43.680 And there was evening and there was morning the second day. 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:47.440 And then God makes a separation between the dry land 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:51.000 and the water, and there was a separation. So you see, 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:57.280 even from creating the foundations of the world, God used 0:12:57.600 --> 0:13:03.640 boundaries in such healthy ways. I'm convinced right here from 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:07.080 Genesis one that boundaries are not just a good idea, 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:12.120 they are actually God's idea. But now let's go over 0:13:12.120 --> 0:13:15.880 to Genesis two, because this is where I really found 0:13:15.960 --> 0:13:21.000 some something just completely fascinating. In Genesis chapter two, starting 0:13:21.000 --> 0:13:25.240 in verse fifteen, it says this, the Lord God took 0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:27.080 the man and put the man in the garden of 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:29.600 Eden to work it and take care of it. And 0:13:29.679 --> 0:13:36.000 the Lord God commanded the man, you are free from 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:40.440 any tree in the garden, but you must not eat 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:42.439 from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:46.320 for when you eat from it, you will certainly die. Man. 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:49.000 I'm convinced at this point that the man did not 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.720 write the one rule down because the very next verse 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:55.080 it says, in verse eighteen, the Lord God said, it 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:58.560 is not good for the man to be alone. I 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:01.480 will make a helper suitable for him. And women have 0:14:01.559 --> 0:14:06.240 been making lists for men ever since. Okay, I'm just 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:11.640 reading scripture. Okay, So but here's the thing. I'm so 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:16.200 completely fascinated that, of all the topics God could have 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:22.240 chosen for this first recorded conversation with Man, that God 0:14:22.320 --> 0:14:28.120 chose the topic of a boundary. Think of how many 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:32.520 things that the Lord could have surely had to discuss 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:35.680 with this man in this first recorded conversation, and yet 0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:40.320 he chooses a topic of a boundary. Why Well, if 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.960 I look at the first three words that God says 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:51.560 in this first recorded conversation, God says, you are free. 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:55.600 You see, we serve a God of freedom, and in 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:58.480 order for there to be real freedom, boundaries have to 0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:00.960 exist so that we know. Oh, if we know where 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:04.280 those boundary lines are, then we can run freely between them, 0:15:04.480 --> 0:15:08.400 and that's where real freedom exists. Can you imagine if 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:10.920 Adam was in the garden and he was tentative, he 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:13.280 didn't know what was okay and what was not okay, 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:15.640 then it would it would always be kind of like this, 0:15:15.840 --> 0:15:18.080 like I wonder if can I eat from this tree? 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:20.320 Can I go here? Can I do this? Can I 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:24.000 do that? And you see that mystery was solved when 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:28.480 God established the boundary, and then Adam was truly free. 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:34.560 You are free to eat from any tree in the garden. 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:40.160 But here comes the one restriction. You must not eat 0:15:40.240 --> 0:15:43.800 from this tree, the tree of the knowledge of good 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:46.920 and evil, for if you eat from it, you will die. 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:51.480 Now here's what I learned in that first boundary that 0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:55.040 we see God establishing. He did it for the sake 0:15:55.120 --> 0:16:00.680 of freedom, and that one restriction. He wasn't overly restrictive, 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:06.640 but that one restriction it was for Adam's protection. Do 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:10.840 you know what the weight of eating from the tree 0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:14.240 of the knowledge of good and evil? Do you know 0:16:14.280 --> 0:16:18.520 the weight that that would put on Adam. I'll tell 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:20.560 you what it is. It's when we turn on the 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:24.840 TV and we hear about another school shooting, when our 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:27.560 best friend calls us and says that she has cancer. 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:34.360 It's the weight of addictions and affairs and so many 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.440 things that we hear about or that we experience. The 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:44.160 human heart was not originally supposed to experience. That is 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:48.280 the weight of the knowledge of evil. And that's what 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:51.560 God said, don't do this, not because he's an overly 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:55.680 restrictive God, but because he was trying to protect Adam 0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:59.320 from what Adam didn't know. So it's for the sake 0:16:59.360 --> 0:17:02.120 of freedom. There is a restriction, but it's for the 0:17:02.200 --> 0:17:07.159 protection In that relationship. And also there's a consequence. If 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:10.080 you eat from it, you will die, because a boundary 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:13.560 without a consequence is nothing but a really bad suggestion, right, 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:18.160 And so boundaries, indeed, they're not just a good idea. 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:24.800 I see in scripture here that they're actually God's idea. 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:27.840 And so I kept reading in scripture, and it isn't 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:32.680 that interesting that in the garden there was one rule 0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:36.600 given one rule. Can you imagine if we just still 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:39.080 lived in that time, like one rule, we only had 0:17:39.160 --> 0:17:41.760 one to follow as a rule follower, that would just 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:43.760 be such a delight to my heart. I mean, it 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:48.240 would just be amazing. Right. But where there is sin, 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:52.280 there is dysfunction, and where there is dysfunction, there's chaos. 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:54.960 And where there is chaos, there is a need for order. 0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:58.480 And there are more boundaries established the more sin that 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:00.840 there is. And by the time time we get in 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:04.240 the Bible to the law and the profits, what started 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:08.360 out as one boundary, now he has over six hundred 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:15.680 boundaries because sin had increased. Therefore boundaries also increased. Then 0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:18.960 by the time we get to the way that God 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:23.639 establishes the temple, this was the biggest revelation to me 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:29.160 of all, you say, when God establishes the temple, he 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:34.680 allows certain people access to certain places, but not all 0:18:34.760 --> 0:18:38.919 people all access. And it's not because this group of 0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:42.080 people was more valuable than this group of people. It's 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:45.600 that the more access you had, the more responsibility you 0:18:45.640 --> 0:18:50.640 were required to demonstrate. So the more access, the more responsibility, 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:55.000 and the greater the consequence all the way to where 0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:58.280 the high priest had the greatest access. The high priest 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:00.600 once a year could go into the Holy of Holies 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:04.000 to make atonement for the people. But in order to 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:06.840 do that, in order to have that kind of access, 0:19:07.320 --> 0:19:12.200 he had to demonstrate the absolute highest responsibility. He had 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:15.560 to be perfectly cleansed, he had to put on special garments, 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:19.360 and if he did not, then he would step into 0:19:19.359 --> 0:19:25.119 the Holy of Holies and he would drop dead. Greatest access, 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:31.840 greatest responsibility required. Those two words became really important to 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:36.800 me as I started trying to understand the difference between 0:19:37.520 --> 0:19:47.200 healthy and unhealthy boundaries, helpful and utterly unhelpful boundaries, access 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:52.439 and responsibility. And here's what occurred to me. We all 0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:58.560 have limited capacity in our life. Like we have limited 0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:02.080 financial capacity in our bank account, we have limited time 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:05.639 capacity we have limited energy capacity, and some people have 0:20:05.680 --> 0:20:09.959 a lot more energy capacity, and some people are lower capacity. 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:12.760 Some people have a lot more financial capacity, and others 0:20:12.760 --> 0:20:19.199 have lower capacity. But regardless, in all these areas of capacity, 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:26.760 we're limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because we're human. Now, 0:20:26.800 --> 0:20:29.520 if we get selfish with our capacity, then God can 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:32.800 certainly check our hearts on this. But what I'm seeing 0:20:32.880 --> 0:20:37.199 more often in my life is that I start to 0:20:37.280 --> 0:20:41.399 have this notion that I'm unlimited in some areas of 0:20:41.440 --> 0:20:45.280 my capacity where I'm very limited, and then it causes 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:49.080 me when I hyper extend or bankrupt my area of 0:20:49.160 --> 0:20:53.560 capacity because I'm saying yes to do much and I'm 0:20:53.640 --> 0:21:01.160 not properly managing my own areas of capacity. What happens 0:21:01.200 --> 0:21:06.240 to me is I start acting like I think I'm God, 0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:13.359 because God is He is unlimited. God has all the capacity, 0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:15.400 and so when we start to act like we are 0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:19.840 unlimited in our capacity, then we start acting like God. 0:21:19.960 --> 0:21:25.480 We are limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because 0:21:25.520 --> 0:21:30.280 we are very very human. So back to that word access. 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:37.760 If I am giving level ten access to someone who 0:21:37.840 --> 0:21:44.080 is not demonstrating level ten responsibility, maybe they're only demonstrating 0:21:44.160 --> 0:21:48.800 level three responsibility. Right, the distance between the access that 0:21:48.840 --> 0:21:53.520 I'm granting them and the responsibility that they are demonstrating. 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:58.720 That distance right there, that is where dysfunction grows. That 0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:02.919 is where there's chaos, right, and that's where a boundary 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:05.840 is needed. Now here's the mistake I used to make. 0:22:06.880 --> 0:22:09.960 I would go, Okay, I'm giving level ten access. This 0:22:10.000 --> 0:22:13.439 person is only demonstrating level three responsibility. So I know 0:22:13.480 --> 0:22:15.239 what I have to do. I have to put a 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:19.879 boundary on them to force them, using external pressure, to 0:22:20.200 --> 0:22:24.000 increase their responsibility up to the level of access that 0:22:24.080 --> 0:22:28.359 I've granted them. So we can have a conversation with 0:22:28.440 --> 0:22:31.400 someone and request that they be more responsible. But if 0:22:31.400 --> 0:22:36.639 they are unwilling or incapable of anything more than level 0:22:36.680 --> 0:22:39.960 three responsibility, us putting a boundary on them is only 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:45.280 going to cause more frustration. You see, we cannot possibly 0:22:45.480 --> 0:22:52.640 permanently change another person by using external pressure. Now think 0:22:52.640 --> 0:22:57.520 about today, if someone had a cardiac event, obviously those 0:22:57.520 --> 0:22:59.400 of us who know how to do CPR, we would 0:22:59.480 --> 0:23:04.119 rush to that person's aid and using external pressure, we 0:23:04.320 --> 0:23:08.359 would apply that pressure to make their heart beat and 0:23:08.400 --> 0:23:12.040 to create a change in their situation. But at some 0:23:12.200 --> 0:23:14.879 point if their heart does not start to quicken and 0:23:14.960 --> 0:23:20.600 beat on its own, you cannot permanently sustain that change 0:23:21.119 --> 0:23:25.760 using external pressure. Right. Never have you seen two friends 0:23:25.800 --> 0:23:28.320 walking around them all one doing chest compressions on the 0:23:28.320 --> 0:23:34.199 other and think, Wow, that's a sustainable, healthy relationship. Right? No, So, 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:38.720 but I know the desperation. I know the desperate feeling 0:23:38.880 --> 0:23:42.720 of something's got to change, and you know that it's 0:23:43.000 --> 0:23:46.520 the responsibility this person is not bringing. That's what's got 0:23:46.560 --> 0:23:49.919 to change. And so most of us just stay stuck 0:23:50.000 --> 0:23:53.000 in this frustrating place. We know that changes needed to 0:23:53.040 --> 0:23:56.240 be made. We make the changes that we can make. 0:23:57.119 --> 0:23:59.840 But in a relationship, if the other person is un 0:24:00.040 --> 0:24:04.879 willing or incapable, then that's where that weird dysfunction starts 0:24:04.960 --> 0:24:09.639 to happen. So if it's utterly unhelpful to put a 0:24:09.640 --> 0:24:13.480 boundary on this other person trying to force them to change, 0:24:14.119 --> 0:24:17.480 what do we do? We put a boundary on ourselves. 0:24:18.680 --> 0:24:20.840 We put a boundary on ourselves. And if I am 0:24:20.880 --> 0:24:25.000 giving level ten access to areas of my capacity to 0:24:25.080 --> 0:24:30.080 someone who's only bringing level three responsibility, I cannot control 0:24:30.119 --> 0:24:34.000 another person. But God does say evidence of his fruit 0:24:34.160 --> 0:24:37.359 inside of me. One of those fruits is self control, 0:24:38.040 --> 0:24:42.240 and so I must reduce the access I grant to 0:24:42.280 --> 0:24:48.520 that person down to their demonstrated level of responsibility, right, 0:24:51.200 --> 0:24:55.560 so that equilibrium can occur in this relationship. Now here's 0:24:55.560 --> 0:24:59.479 the really great news. You guys are already doing this 0:24:59.640 --> 0:25:02.800 really really well in some areas of your life. Here's 0:25:02.840 --> 0:25:04.520 how I'm going to prove this to you. Okay, raise 0:25:04.560 --> 0:25:07.040 your hand. If you have a bank account, just raise 0:25:07.040 --> 0:25:09.080 your hand. I'm not coming after your bank account today. 0:25:09.080 --> 0:25:11.680 I just want you to know, okay, perfect, how many 0:25:11.720 --> 0:25:16.600 of you have a password or a security code protecting 0:25:16.640 --> 0:25:23.320 your bank account? Raise your hand? Is it because you're selfish, unchristian, unkind, 0:25:24.040 --> 0:25:28.400 not willing to give to others? No, that's not at all. 0:25:28.480 --> 0:25:30.760 You have a passcode. And I didn't say you could 0:25:30.840 --> 0:25:35.119 remember your passcode. I'm just saying you have a passcode, right, 0:25:35.160 --> 0:25:39.480 But you have a passcode? Why? Because you have limited 0:25:39.640 --> 0:25:44.600 resources in your bank account, and if you gave everyone 0:25:44.800 --> 0:25:49.840 in here access to your bank account, then there may 0:25:49.880 --> 0:25:53.280 be some people in here who would be irresponsible and 0:25:53.320 --> 0:25:56.720 they would take so much of the money that you 0:25:56.800 --> 0:26:01.720 have in your bank account that you would become bankrupt. Therefore, 0:26:01.840 --> 0:26:04.520 you put a security pass code there, not because you're selfish, 0:26:04.520 --> 0:26:07.200 but because you are wise and because you want to 0:26:07.240 --> 0:26:11.200 be a good steward of the resources that you have. 0:26:11.680 --> 0:26:14.520 We know this with our financial capacity, but we forget 0:26:14.520 --> 0:26:19.520 it in so many other areas of our life. Okay, 0:26:20.080 --> 0:26:25.159 so how does this really work? How does it really work? 0:26:25.359 --> 0:26:31.160 If you know that you have limited capacity and you're 0:26:31.240 --> 0:26:37.119 reducing the access to some area of your capacity down 0:26:37.200 --> 0:26:40.639 to their demonstrated level of responsibility, how in the world 0:26:40.720 --> 0:26:44.800 do you even communicate that? Well, in a very simple sense, 0:26:44.920 --> 0:26:48.760 let's say that you have a child in third grade. 0:26:49.440 --> 0:26:52.359 Last year, that child was in second grade, and the 0:26:52.400 --> 0:26:55.800 second grade teacher emails you and said, you know, last 0:26:55.880 --> 0:26:57.919 year you did the end of the year party for 0:26:57.960 --> 0:27:00.440 the second grade, and you did such an amazing job. 0:27:00.720 --> 0:27:02.640 We were just wondering. I know you don't have any 0:27:02.680 --> 0:27:04.840 children in second grade this year, but we're just wondering, 0:27:05.080 --> 0:27:07.600 can you come back and can you arrange the end 0:27:07.600 --> 0:27:10.040 of the year party for the second grade. Now here's 0:27:10.119 --> 0:27:13.680 the crisis that would happen in my heart. First of all, 0:27:13.720 --> 0:27:17.359 I would say they loved the way I did the 0:27:17.440 --> 0:27:19.280 end of the year party. I mean, this is such 0:27:19.280 --> 0:27:22.960 an honor. Wow. Right, But then I was starting to 0:27:22.960 --> 0:27:26.600 get this pit in my stomach because my gut would 0:27:26.680 --> 0:27:31.280 say no, absolutely not, You do not have the time 0:27:31.359 --> 0:27:34.880 to do this. But then, why in the world does 0:27:35.000 --> 0:27:39.600 my mouth say yes? And it just does because I 0:27:39.680 --> 0:27:42.880 kind of think their request suddenly has become my responsibility. 0:27:44.320 --> 0:27:47.680 And here's the thing that really would wig me out. 0:27:48.240 --> 0:27:53.080 I was so afraid that if I said no that 0:27:53.480 --> 0:27:56.840 they would be so disappointed in me, and so I 0:27:56.880 --> 0:28:00.920 would rather carry the burden of saying yes rather than 0:28:01.000 --> 0:28:06.600 the burden of saying no. HM. So I'm going to 0:28:06.600 --> 0:28:08.479 give you a simple little script. This is about to 0:28:08.760 --> 0:28:12.440 change your life. With apologies to the second grade teacher 0:28:12.480 --> 0:28:14.439 out there who's wanting a third grade parent to do 0:28:14.480 --> 0:28:16.920 their end of the year party. Here we go. Here's 0:28:16.960 --> 0:28:20.479 a simple way that you can reduce the access and 0:28:20.800 --> 0:28:24.959 communicate a really healthy boundary and still reflect the beauty 0:28:25.000 --> 0:28:29.560 of your own heart. You can simply reply back, thank 0:28:29.600 --> 0:28:32.560 you so much. It's such an honor that you requested 0:28:32.560 --> 0:28:35.680 this of me. While my heart says yes, yes, yes, 0:28:36.200 --> 0:28:40.120 the reality of my time makes this a no. Thank 0:28:40.160 --> 0:28:43.400 you and sign your name. You don't need to explain it. 0:28:43.920 --> 0:28:49.239 My counselor. You know, I mean, I think we can 0:28:49.280 --> 0:28:52.200 all do this right now. My counselor has really worked 0:28:52.200 --> 0:28:55.360 with me on this, and it was really important that 0:28:55.400 --> 0:28:57.000 I learned this. You see, I used to think I 0:28:57.000 --> 0:29:00.640 had to over explain. I still struggle with over explaining. 0:29:00.680 --> 0:29:03.400 Do we have any over explainers in the room. Okay, remember, 0:29:03.440 --> 0:29:05.720 do not poke your neighbor. Let them just say that 0:29:05.800 --> 0:29:09.800 they are an over explainer. Okay. So here's what I 0:29:09.840 --> 0:29:12.520 would do. I would say my heart says yes, yes, yes, 0:29:12.640 --> 0:29:15.120 the reality of my time makes this a no. And 0:29:15.160 --> 0:29:18.480 then I would start to explain all the reasons why. 0:29:18.880 --> 0:29:21.240 And my counselor said this to me, and it absolutely 0:29:21.360 --> 0:29:25.520 radically changed my thought process, he said, Lisa, adults inform 0:29:25.720 --> 0:29:33.720 children explain good right? All right, all right, so let's 0:29:33.720 --> 0:29:38.920 go to something a little more challenging. Let's say you 0:29:39.600 --> 0:29:42.760 have a friend, possibly a family member. But let's say 0:29:42.880 --> 0:29:46.360 you have a friend and y'all love going to church together. 0:29:46.440 --> 0:29:49.840 Don't poke your neighbor. Okay, so you love going to 0:29:49.920 --> 0:29:56.840 church together. However, you have different definitions of being on time, right, 0:29:57.480 --> 0:30:02.720 and this is really causing some situationtional stress. Right. Okay, 0:30:03.200 --> 0:30:06.120 So let's say your definition of being on time is 0:30:06.160 --> 0:30:08.719 that you want to get their twenty minutes early. You 0:30:08.760 --> 0:30:12.440 do why because you have got to get a parking space. 0:30:12.880 --> 0:30:15.880 This is so funny. I see somebody holding up blinders 0:30:15.920 --> 0:30:22.640 against their neighbor right now, you're cracking me up. Okay, 0:30:22.960 --> 0:30:25.800 So your definition of being on time is to get 0:30:25.800 --> 0:30:28.440 their twenty minutes early because you want to have time 0:30:28.480 --> 0:30:32.120 to park and actually walk through the parking lot, right, 0:30:33.080 --> 0:30:35.720 novel idea. And then you want to get inside. You 0:30:35.760 --> 0:30:38.760 want to go t tea potty right, because you don't 0:30:38.760 --> 0:30:40.680 want to be sitting in there and be thinking about that, 0:30:40.880 --> 0:30:42.880 so you wanted to go do that. Then then you 0:30:42.920 --> 0:30:44.320 want to be able to come in. You want to 0:30:44.320 --> 0:30:47.480 get a seat, You want to watch the announcements. You 0:30:47.720 --> 0:30:50.560 want to be ready for the first note of the 0:30:50.600 --> 0:30:56.120 first praise song because that is being on time to you. Amen, Amen. Okay. 0:30:56.160 --> 0:30:59.040 But let's say your friend has a different definition of 0:30:59.080 --> 0:31:02.920 being on time. Their definition of being on time is 0:31:02.960 --> 0:31:05.760 that they can skirt in here before the last praise 0:31:05.800 --> 0:31:09.200 song is finished. That is their definition of being on time. 0:31:09.440 --> 0:31:15.120 Right now, here's the deal. Are you bad for wanting 0:31:15.120 --> 0:31:18.440 to be there twenty minutes early? No? Are they bad, 0:31:19.560 --> 0:31:21.480 they still want to go to church. I mean they're 0:31:21.520 --> 0:31:24.040 just getting here, like before the last praise song, espelishly. 0:31:24.040 --> 0:31:25.440 I mean maybe some of you think is bad, but 0:31:25.720 --> 0:31:29.240 I say, in general, that's not bad. It just means 0:31:29.280 --> 0:31:32.960 you have two different definitions of being on time right. 0:31:34.000 --> 0:31:39.440 And so you realize that something's got to change, because 0:31:39.480 --> 0:31:42.760 every week you're writing with them, and they are making 0:31:42.840 --> 0:31:46.480 you late according to you. And now you are sitting 0:31:46.520 --> 0:31:50.200 way up there in the balcony, right, or you may 0:31:50.240 --> 0:31:52.360 not even make it inside. You may have to be 0:31:52.400 --> 0:31:57.680 sitting somewhere in the overflow, right. And now you're so 0:31:57.800 --> 0:32:00.120 twisted up in a knot because you are ready. You 0:32:00.160 --> 0:32:02.000 could have been down here on the floor. That's where 0:32:02.040 --> 0:32:05.120 you could have been, right, and you could have gone teeepotty. 0:32:05.160 --> 0:32:07.440 You who see the announcements, listen to all the praise songs. 0:32:07.600 --> 0:32:09.880 And so now when they make you skirt in at 0:32:09.880 --> 0:32:12.480 the last moment and you're out of breath from running 0:32:12.480 --> 0:32:15.320 through the parking lot and you had to park five 0:32:15.360 --> 0:32:17.720 miles away, you know, And now you finally get in 0:32:17.720 --> 0:32:19.920 your seat, you are so twisted up in a knot 0:32:19.920 --> 0:32:23.760 that you cannot even enjoy anything because all you want 0:32:23.840 --> 0:32:27.520 is for Pastor Steven to address the issues of this 0:32:27.600 --> 0:32:30.560 person that made you lay on huh you know what 0:32:30.640 --> 0:32:37.200 I'm saying. Okay, so you have a choice. You could 0:32:37.320 --> 0:32:41.520 just start avoiding this person. That's what some of us do, right. 0:32:41.680 --> 0:32:43.400 So they call and say, oh, do you want to 0:32:43.440 --> 0:32:46.240 ride your church together? And you could say, oh, you know, 0:32:46.360 --> 0:32:49.440 I would really love to go to church with you today. 0:32:49.440 --> 0:32:51.960 I really would. The problem is I have to run 0:32:52.120 --> 0:32:54.560 errands before I go to church. I mean, and they're 0:32:54.600 --> 0:33:04.280 one person errands, just one and and so this other 0:33:04.360 --> 0:33:07.800 person when you're communicating this, they know something's up and 0:33:07.840 --> 0:33:10.480 they're going to personalize it and get their feelings hurt 0:33:10.480 --> 0:33:13.200 because they can't quite figure out why you're being distant. 0:33:13.920 --> 0:33:18.000 And then you could possibly just try to still go 0:33:18.080 --> 0:33:20.280 with them and be late. And you're going to take 0:33:20.320 --> 0:33:21.640 it and take it and take it and take it 0:33:21.680 --> 0:33:23.600 and take it until one day you just cannot and 0:33:23.640 --> 0:33:26.719 you snap and you jump from trying to take it 0:33:26.840 --> 0:33:29.080 all the way over here to where you cannot take 0:33:29.080 --> 0:33:33.960 it anymore, and you just skirt that friendship altogether. You See, 0:33:33.960 --> 0:33:36.960 what a boundary does is that helps us avoid extremes, 0:33:37.760 --> 0:33:39.600 the extreme of I'm going to take it and take 0:33:39.640 --> 0:33:42.480 it and take it until I'm so frazzled and fractured, 0:33:42.520 --> 0:33:44.920 worn out and worn down that I just don't even 0:33:44.960 --> 0:33:47.800 want to be that person's friend anymore. So you jump 0:33:47.840 --> 0:33:52.920 from that extreme all the way to you're done. Boundaries, 0:33:53.000 --> 0:33:55.680 what they really are, is a way to bring the 0:33:55.880 --> 0:34:01.040 conversation back to the middle, to avoid those extremes. Boundaries 0:34:01.080 --> 0:34:05.600 are nothing more than a conversational tool, a healthy conversational 0:34:05.600 --> 0:34:09.200 tool where you can establish what is and is not 0:34:09.440 --> 0:34:12.839 okay in this relationship, what you do have to give 0:34:12.920 --> 0:34:15.880 and what you don't have to give, what you will tolerate, 0:34:15.960 --> 0:34:19.640 and what you will not tolerate. Now, obviously we need 0:34:19.680 --> 0:34:22.719 the Lord to check our hearts here, you know, we 0:34:22.719 --> 0:34:25.879 don't want to start being just absolutely irresponsible. I mean, 0:34:25.880 --> 0:34:29.080 I had, you know, possibly one of my many children 0:34:29.120 --> 0:34:31.800 try to draw a boundary this year at Christmas, and 0:34:31.920 --> 0:34:33.799 they just said, I do not have it to give 0:34:34.120 --> 0:34:38.319 to help wash any of the dishes, to which to 0:34:38.360 --> 0:34:40.560 which I replied, and I do not have it to 0:34:40.600 --> 0:34:42.920 give to put food on any of your dishes. So 0:34:45.040 --> 0:34:48.160 neither of those are helpful or healthy, right, So we 0:34:48.239 --> 0:34:50.000 do it to check our heart. We don't want to 0:34:50.040 --> 0:34:52.640 draw boundaries to sort of be some sort of weapon 0:34:52.840 --> 0:34:55.920 to make us able to get out of our responsibilities. 0:34:55.960 --> 0:35:02.560 We do have responsibilities. At the same time, we have 0:35:02.600 --> 0:35:08.640 the responsibility to stay self controlled in our relationships. So 0:35:09.400 --> 0:35:13.400 you could simply have this conversation with this friend. Hi, friend, 0:35:13.560 --> 0:35:15.480 I love going to church with you, I really do. 0:35:15.760 --> 0:35:18.080 Is that true? It is true? Right, So don't put 0:35:18.120 --> 0:35:19.920 a butt there, because if you put a butt, I 0:35:19.920 --> 0:35:21.840 love going to church with you butt, that's sort of 0:35:22.000 --> 0:35:24.240 negates the fact that you love going to church with them. Okay, 0:35:24.400 --> 0:35:26.879 so you put an and I love going to church 0:35:26.920 --> 0:35:30.440 with you, and I have a different definition of being 0:35:30.480 --> 0:35:33.080 on time than you do. That doesn't make me right 0:35:33.120 --> 0:35:35.239 and you wrong, or you right and me wrong. It 0:35:35.440 --> 0:35:41.480 just means we're different. So here's the deal. I'm going 0:35:41.560 --> 0:35:43.680 to drive to church this week. I would love for 0:35:43.719 --> 0:35:46.440 you to ride with me, and I'm pulling out of 0:35:46.440 --> 0:35:49.160 my driveway at this time so that I can get 0:35:49.160 --> 0:35:51.560 there twenty minutes early. If you would like to ride 0:35:51.560 --> 0:35:55.760 with me, great, be in my car at that time. However, 0:35:56.080 --> 0:35:59.319 let me give you some really awesome news. If you 0:35:59.400 --> 0:36:06.040 are being more creative with your time, so creative, then 0:36:06.920 --> 0:36:10.600 we can just ride separately, no big deal, and I'll 0:36:10.600 --> 0:36:12.600 save you a seat you can sit right beside me. 0:36:13.120 --> 0:36:15.560 I'll even catch you up on all the prey songs 0:36:15.600 --> 0:36:19.080 that we sang, you know. And we're still going to 0:36:19.120 --> 0:36:21.160 be great friends, and we're still going to be at 0:36:21.280 --> 0:36:24.080 church together. But we've just made the wise decision not 0:36:24.200 --> 0:36:26.960 to go to church together. Now, what's better having that 0:36:27.040 --> 0:36:31.480 conversation or getting so frustrated in that relationship you just 0:36:31.520 --> 0:36:33.680 don't even want to be around that person at all. 0:36:34.600 --> 0:36:37.880 You see, boundaries help us bring it back to the 0:36:37.920 --> 0:36:42.279 middle and simply say here's what I have to give, 0:36:42.280 --> 0:36:44.040 and here's what I don't have to give, here's what 0:36:44.120 --> 0:36:46.560 I can tolerate, and here's what I will not tolerate. 0:36:46.640 --> 0:36:51.160 And it's not out of a mean spirit, it's actually 0:36:51.520 --> 0:36:53.880 so that we can stay self controlled. I did this 0:36:53.960 --> 0:36:57.640 activity one time, and I pulled out my journal and 0:36:57.680 --> 0:37:01.440 I wrote, this is who Lisa is when she's operating 0:37:01.520 --> 0:37:07.520 at her best. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm easygoing, all 0:37:07.600 --> 0:37:11.960 kinds of different qualities. Then on the next page, I wrote, 0:37:12.000 --> 0:37:14.480 and this is who Lisa is. This is who I 0:37:14.640 --> 0:37:18.399 am when I get frazzled, fractured, worn down, and worn out. 0:37:18.880 --> 0:37:22.920 I am impatient, I'm withdrawn, I'm skeptical of everyone. I 0:37:22.920 --> 0:37:26.560 don't want to give anything to anyone. Now I ask 0:37:26.640 --> 0:37:31.800 myself the question, which version of Lisa do I want 0:37:31.920 --> 0:37:37.200 to stay front and center in my relationships? You see boundaries, 0:37:38.160 --> 0:37:41.600 me drawing healthy boundaries, ME putting boundaries on myself so 0:37:41.680 --> 0:37:47.440 that I can stay safe, sane, stable, and self controlled. 0:37:48.160 --> 0:37:52.359 It is my way of fighting for the relationship so 0:37:52.400 --> 0:37:55.160 I don't have to spend so much time fighting against 0:37:55.280 --> 0:38:02.359 other people. Now, what about the verse that says where 0:38:02.400 --> 0:38:06.280 Jesus instructs us to lay down our life for our friends. 0:38:06.280 --> 0:38:08.480 And Jesus not only instructed us to do that, but 0:38:08.680 --> 0:38:14.280 he modeled it. And you're absolutely right. Jesus absolutely modeled 0:38:14.280 --> 0:38:18.160 and taught to lay down our life for our friends. 0:38:19.239 --> 0:38:24.440 And Jesus did this. But never forget Jesus laid down 0:38:25.080 --> 0:38:30.960 his one life for a high and holy purpose. Jesus 0:38:31.000 --> 0:38:34.520 did not lay down his life to enable bad behavior 0:38:34.560 --> 0:38:43.200 to continue. Amen. Amen, Well, I want to end today 0:38:43.360 --> 0:38:45.879 with what I feel like is the most important thing 0:38:45.920 --> 0:38:49.000 for us to remember in all of these boundary conversations, 0:38:50.040 --> 0:38:52.080 and I'm going to do it by telling a story 0:38:52.480 --> 0:38:58.000 so many years ago, my family decided that they wanted 0:38:58.040 --> 0:39:01.640 to go get certified to learn how to go scuba diving. 0:39:01.880 --> 0:39:05.880 I thought this was an absolutely terrible idea for several reasons, 0:39:06.000 --> 0:39:11.160 because sharks eat people every day, and you know, I 0:39:11.160 --> 0:39:13.520 don't like to get my hair wet, So there's two 0:39:13.680 --> 0:39:16.040 really good reasons why I don't want to get certified 0:39:16.040 --> 0:39:20.200 to go scuba diving. But they were so absolutely convinced 0:39:20.239 --> 0:39:22.440 that this is what we needed to do. So we 0:39:22.480 --> 0:39:24.640 all signed up and we went to the classes and 0:39:24.920 --> 0:39:27.960 everything was okay. In the classroom, it was good. And 0:39:28.000 --> 0:39:29.960 then we went and did our first dive in the 0:39:30.000 --> 0:39:32.800 pool and we did pretty good. And then we did 0:39:32.920 --> 0:39:35.640 our next dive in a lake and that was okay. 0:39:36.000 --> 0:39:38.400 But now it was the day. It was time for 0:39:38.440 --> 0:39:43.359 our first big family dive in the ocean. So we 0:39:43.360 --> 0:39:45.440 took the boat out and we all have on our 0:39:45.480 --> 0:39:47.960 gear and we get out into the middle of the 0:39:47.960 --> 0:39:51.200 ocean and the dive master gives us some last minute 0:39:51.239 --> 0:39:53.920 instructions for what to do. Then he instructs us to 0:39:53.920 --> 0:39:55.520 get in the water. So we all get in the 0:39:55.520 --> 0:39:59.040 water and then he says, okay, you know, the first 0:39:59.040 --> 0:40:01.799 thing you need to do is to let the air 0:40:01.840 --> 0:40:05.040 out of your air vest and start to descend in increments, 0:40:05.080 --> 0:40:07.840 and then we'll all meet up thirty feet below the 0:40:07.920 --> 0:40:12.000 surface on the ocean floor. And so we had practiced 0:40:12.000 --> 0:40:14.200 this enough where I knew exactly what I was supposed 0:40:14.200 --> 0:40:16.080 to do, and so did everyone else. So we all 0:40:16.080 --> 0:40:18.359 did it. We pushed the button to let the air 0:40:18.400 --> 0:40:23.080 out of our air vests, and everyone else did exactly 0:40:23.160 --> 0:40:26.160 what they were supposed to do. They started to descend 0:40:26.200 --> 0:40:28.719 in increments. I let the air out of my air 0:40:28.800 --> 0:40:33.360 vest and nothing happened. I am just floating on the top. 0:40:33.880 --> 0:40:36.160 Have you ever seen one of those movies where it's 0:40:36.200 --> 0:40:38.879 like everybody in a group is okay, but it's the 0:40:38.960 --> 0:40:42.160 one person floating at the top that the shark comes 0:40:42.200 --> 0:40:46.160 to get. Uh huh. That's very much what I was 0:40:46.200 --> 0:40:48.360 feeling of that moment. And I just kept saying in 0:40:48.400 --> 0:40:51.120 my brain, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. But sometimes 0:40:51.160 --> 0:40:54.239 my brain does not send that message to my heart, 0:40:54.320 --> 0:40:56.920 and in my heart, I was absolutely frantic. So I thought, 0:40:56.960 --> 0:40:58.919 no big deal. I don't want to cause a scene. 0:40:58.920 --> 0:41:00.279 I'm going to put my head down, I'm going to 0:41:00.320 --> 0:41:02.480 swim to my people. That's not what you're supposed to do, 0:41:02.520 --> 0:41:04.040 but I did it. So put my head down. I 0:41:04.040 --> 0:41:07.200 started swimming, swimming, swimming to my people. The problem was 0:41:07.280 --> 0:41:11.320 that my backside was like a cork, very much drawn 0:41:11.440 --> 0:41:15.000 to the surface of the water. I could not get 0:41:15.080 --> 0:41:18.319 down to my people. Eventually, the dive master sees what's 0:41:18.320 --> 0:41:20.799 happening and he swims up and he looks at me 0:41:21.239 --> 0:41:28.520 and he said, oh, you're you're having buoyancy issues. And 0:41:29.080 --> 0:41:31.120 I got this look on my face like I didn't 0:41:31.200 --> 0:41:34.440 quite understand what he was saying. And he was like, yeah, 0:41:34.680 --> 0:41:47.440 you see fat floats when it's in salt water. Excuse me, 0:41:49.960 --> 0:41:54.400 I will cut you. You need right, you need to 0:41:54.640 --> 0:41:57.600 back it up, sir, right, you really need to be 0:41:57.640 --> 0:41:59.840 thankful you spent that I spent some time with Jesus 0:41:59.840 --> 0:42:01.680 the morning. That's what you need to be thankful for. 0:42:02.320 --> 0:42:04.160 And so he could tell that I did not like 0:42:04.200 --> 0:42:06.040 that answer, and he's like, oh, oh, oh, but it's 0:42:06.080 --> 0:42:08.080 no problem. I know how to fix this for you. 0:42:08.520 --> 0:42:10.560 So he gets on the boat and he gets this 0:42:10.719 --> 0:42:13.040 belt and he hands it to me. He says, you 0:42:13.120 --> 0:42:14.680 just need to put this belt on. We're going to 0:42:14.680 --> 0:42:18.399 add some weight and it'll force you to sink. Thank you, sir, 0:42:18.520 --> 0:42:21.480 that's awesome. And so I put the belt on and 0:42:21.520 --> 0:42:23.680 we start adding weights to the belt, and then we 0:42:23.719 --> 0:42:25.879 add more weight, and then we add more weight. Y'all, 0:42:25.920 --> 0:42:29.439 nothing is happening, and so then he feels the need 0:42:29.480 --> 0:42:33.680 to over explain what's going on. He said, Wow, you 0:42:33.760 --> 0:42:36.319 need as much weight as a very large man to 0:42:36.400 --> 0:42:40.799 make you sink. Thank you. I've waited all my life 0:42:40.800 --> 0:42:45.080 for a man to say that, really truly. And so 0:42:45.280 --> 0:42:47.640 finally he gets enough weight on my weight belt to 0:42:47.640 --> 0:42:51.760 where I do sink. The problem is that my bottom 0:42:51.840 --> 0:42:55.719 is still pointed north at all times. And so I 0:42:55.760 --> 0:42:57.560 got down to where my people were, but I was 0:42:57.640 --> 0:43:01.000 like in the formation, and there is nothing I could 0:43:01.040 --> 0:43:04.120 do at all, and so they are all my people 0:43:04.200 --> 0:43:08.160 and they're all standing around. I'm just hanging there. And 0:43:08.520 --> 0:43:11.319 have you ever been able to feel what someone else 0:43:11.400 --> 0:43:14.440 is thinking? You know what I mean? I could feel 0:43:14.440 --> 0:43:17.799 what my people were thinking. They were thinking, Hey, what's up, 0:43:18.040 --> 0:43:22.040 Mom's butt, that's what's up? Just constantly up. And it 0:43:22.080 --> 0:43:24.399 was just it was just not a good situation, right, 0:43:24.680 --> 0:43:26.239 And I was trying so hard to pretend like it 0:43:26.239 --> 0:43:28.640 was normal, but it was one hundred percent not normal. 0:43:29.280 --> 0:43:32.280 And so the dive master just gives us some little 0:43:32.360 --> 0:43:35.160 instructions using his hand, and then he divides us up 0:43:35.200 --> 0:43:37.920 into groups, and now we're supposed to go and swim 0:43:37.960 --> 0:43:40.600 off with the person we were assigned to. So I 0:43:40.640 --> 0:43:42.960 was assigned with my oldest daughter, and so we had 0:43:43.000 --> 0:43:46.360 barely turned from the group and we started to swim 0:43:46.400 --> 0:43:50.040 from the group to go exploring, and suddenly a creature 0:43:50.680 --> 0:43:56.280 out of nowhere whips right through us and rams itself 0:43:56.480 --> 0:44:01.200 into my daughter's head. Well, I am out, absolutely panicked. 0:44:01.320 --> 0:44:05.640 She is panicked, and I'm looking around and all my 0:44:05.760 --> 0:44:09.799 other people are like, it's okay, it's okay. I look 0:44:09.840 --> 0:44:12.279 at the dive master and he said it's okay, and 0:44:12.360 --> 0:44:15.239 I'm thinking, yeah, because all you people are skinny, I'm 0:44:15.280 --> 0:44:19.719 the chicken nugget down here, okay. And so yeah, you're 0:44:19.760 --> 0:44:21.640 okay because that thing's gonna come after me and give 0:44:21.680 --> 0:44:25.239 you all time to escape. So the creature kind of 0:44:25.239 --> 0:44:26.960 went away for a little bit, and my daughter and 0:44:27.000 --> 0:44:29.480 I are still tentative, and we decide, okay, we're just 0:44:29.520 --> 0:44:32.960 gonna keep exploring, and the creature comes back and it 0:44:33.040 --> 0:44:36.520 rams itself into my daughter's head so hard that she 0:44:36.719 --> 0:44:41.560 completely panics and she jumps on top of me, expecting 0:44:41.640 --> 0:44:44.080 me to be the solution to this issue. Well, she 0:44:44.200 --> 0:44:46.800 causes so much of a stir that my other people 0:44:46.840 --> 0:44:51.120 start jumping on top of me. Now everybody's looking at 0:44:51.160 --> 0:44:54.320 me to save their life. But then I remembered my gift. 0:44:54.760 --> 0:45:01.640 I ripped off that weight bell and we did rise. 0:45:02.000 --> 0:45:08.840 Oh yeah, hi, Well we got up on that boat, y'all. 0:45:09.000 --> 0:45:12.400 I was like, hmm, mabadon kenok saved ah you people. 0:45:15.600 --> 0:45:18.520 But the dive master came up and he was absolutely 0:45:18.560 --> 0:45:22.440 positively not impressed at all. He just wasn't and he 0:45:22.480 --> 0:45:24.560 looked at us and he said, you all need to 0:45:24.600 --> 0:45:26.279 sit on the edge of the boat. It was like 0:45:26.280 --> 0:45:29.480 we were in boat time out, you know. And he 0:45:29.520 --> 0:45:31.520 took his finger and he pointed it right at me. 0:45:31.640 --> 0:45:34.080 He said, do you know why you panicked down there? 0:45:35.960 --> 0:45:39.319 He said, you panicked because you took your eyes off 0:45:39.400 --> 0:45:43.319 the dive muster, and the dive muster knows things you 0:45:43.440 --> 0:45:46.680 don't know. And you were never in any trouble. The 0:45:46.760 --> 0:45:50.120 worst danger you created is by shooting up back to 0:45:50.200 --> 0:45:53.080 the boat without ascending an increments like you're supposed to. 0:45:53.400 --> 0:45:58.399 Never take your eyes off the master. Never take your 0:45:58.440 --> 0:46:14.960 eyes off the relationships. They're wonderful until they're not. And 0:46:15.000 --> 0:46:19.319 you know, I think the most important thing when you're 0:46:19.320 --> 0:46:23.480 trying to have healthy conversations and implement boundaries. And I 0:46:23.560 --> 0:46:27.360 know so many of you have much more challenging situations 0:46:27.400 --> 0:46:31.880 than the second grade teacher and than your friend making 0:46:31.920 --> 0:46:35.799 you run late. I know it because I've lived those 0:46:35.960 --> 0:46:42.920 really heartbreaking, devastating situations. And you're hesitant to draw boundaries 0:46:44.360 --> 0:46:47.320 because you're so afraid that if you draw a boundary, 0:46:47.360 --> 0:46:50.160 that that other person will take something from you that 0:46:50.239 --> 0:46:55.040 they give you that you're not sure you'd be okay without. 0:46:56.880 --> 0:47:00.600 We will always desperately want from other people what we 0:47:00.680 --> 0:47:05.480 fear our God will not provide. Keep your eyes on 0:47:05.520 --> 0:47:10.640 the Master. Keep your eyes on the Master. The Master 0:47:10.800 --> 0:47:15.040 knows things you don't know. Stay in his word, keep 0:47:15.080 --> 0:47:21.120 coming to church, keep listening to the messages, read helpful 0:47:21.160 --> 0:47:28.360 resources on boundaries, and remember boundaries. The ultimate purpose is 0:47:28.400 --> 0:47:32.799 to love others well without losing the best of who 0:47:32.840 --> 0:47:40.360 we are. God bless you well. If you enjoyed today's podcast, 0:47:40.400 --> 0:47:42.480 there are a couple things I'd love for you to do. 0:47:42.600 --> 0:47:46.920 Make sure to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. You 0:47:46.960 --> 0:47:49.399 can also help us reach others by investing today at 0:47:49.400 --> 0:47:53.440 elevationchurch dot org, slash give and thanks again for joining 0:47:53.480 --> 0:47:55.080 us on the Elevation Podcast